Resentment of stepson

[BeccaL1987]

I have two stepsons, neither of which I am particularly fond of because to me, their behaviour is unacceptable, however, the youngest is becoming so unmanageable that I am considering ending my marriage.

The youngest is 7, but had a brain injury which causes him to have acute behavioural and cognitive impairment, so he is more like a toddler.

As much as I appreciate the fact that he is not average, his behaviour is beginning to really impact on me when he is in our home, to the point where I feel like I am being bullied by him, as he ignores any kind of discipline I try to give, primarily to stop him breaking things or hurting someone. He will mock me and scream, shout and falsely accuse me of hurting him. He is also not toilet trained, refuses to use a toilet and means he wears nappies, which has a hugely negative impact on our ability to function.

When I try to bring up these issues with my husband and explain that I am getting to the stage where I feel I can no longer be in the house when the 7 year old stays, I am called every name under the sun and made to feel even more like I can’t be in my own home because the needs of the 7 year old always come first.

Am I being unreasonable by wanting to have my feelings appreciated and understood by my husband?

Sounds like you and DH need professional help here. I don't think YABU to want to not be abused but I do also think it's not something he can change sadly. DH is probably stressed himself hence the arguing when you bring it up - not an excuse to call you names though. You guys need external help.

Your husband calls you names?

You don't have to tolerate that

Yabu about not wanting SS to be there. If you don't like it then it's time to end things.

Sounds like hell. Never stay with some man that calls you names.
You could divorce and have an enjoyable, peaceful life. Does that not sound way better?

I can see both sides here. You're essentially telling your husband that you can't stand the company of your SS, but it sounds like his behaviour stems from his disability. Your husband probably can't do anything about it. OTOH, you are allowed to extricate yourself from this situation and live a more peaceful life without your husband and his son. Just don't make your H feel guilty for having a disabled child.

For everyone’s sake you should separate.

I think you know the right thing to do would be to separate. The current situation is unfair on all of you.

Of course your husbands son comes first and will always come first for the rest of his life.

'the needs of the 7 year old always come first.'

As they 100% should. This isn't the relationship for you, which is fine.

Leave him OP. He has to stand by his son but you don’t have to accept the abuse from either of them.
Good luck.

Being a stepmum is hard. Being a stepmum to a disabled child must be a million times harder.

You possibly need to consider ending the relationship. It sounds as if his son will need lifelong support and your resentment will only build year on year. That’s not fair on anyone. It’s not fair on you, on your DP and especially not on your DSS who obviously needs a level of tolerance, adaption and compassion that’s beyond your reach.

Your partner shouldn’t call you names, but he is right to be annoyed by you feeling inconvenienced by his son’s disability. I imagine that since the injury and his son becoming more vulnerable than other children his age, your DP’s protective instincts have gone into overdrive.

You are probably experiencing being a glass child despite not being a sibling to DSS. As you are not part of the parenting team for the disabled child, you are in a sibling role of competing for dad’s attention.

Glass children are the siblings of children with disabilities and complex illnesses, so called because they feel invisible when their parent’s attention and time is dominated by the child with extra needs. It would be worth you reading about this.

Exactly!

Of course his disabled 7 year old child comes first!!!!!

Leave. You aren't happy, and you aren't meant to be a stepmother and that's fine. But staying and subjecting a child to your resentment of him is not fine. He didn't choose for you to be in his life, but you chose to be in his by getting married to his father when you knew he existed.

This isn't meant to sound disrespectful but some people simply aren't cut out to deal with a disabled child. It's hugely challenging and it has to be understood. You make it sound like the child is choosing to disrespect you and is just naughty. It's far more complicated than that with a head injury. All sorts of disfunction could be going on in this child's brain which they have absolutely no control over. . For all of your sakes, I think it would be better to split. That way, you get peace and a fresh start, and he gets to have his son around without tension in your relationship. You might both be able to meet new people who are more suited your circumstances. Good luck.

It's understandable that your DH is putting this child's needs first and I'm going to assume that his behaviour isn't likely to drastically change (I don't know a lot about brain injuries). Your DH isn't going to choose you over his child and it doesn't sound like this relationship is right for you so I think you should leave.

I'm hoping you aren't one of those stepmums whose had a child with a man with kids from a previous relationship without actually considering the reality of the situation.