Please help-persevere of give up?

[Gp432]

We're potty training 3y3m DD. We've left it too late and it's a bit of a nightmare. She knows when she needs a wee, she's not had any accidents but she is just holding it as she's refusing to pee unless in a nappy.

She's so strong willed, it's a battle of wills at this point but I don't know what to do for the best.

Last weekend we hung out near the potty for hours (her choice, she didn't want to be far from it despite me trying to distract her and go on as normal) and she eventually peed in it.

Yesterday she was nappy free all afternoon, she held it for about 5 hours then eventually peed on the toilet (then overnight in her nappy)

Today her nappy has been off since 8am and nothing. She's visibly uncomfortable, keeps asking for the potty but then changes her mind and won't sit on it.

Should we persevere or give up? She's not overly upset, she alternates between her happy self and whinging/crying that she wants a nappy. Any advice welcome.

Just after I posted she asked for the potty and actually did wee. It was only little so pretty sure she still needs to do more but it's a start. It's also the fastest she's managed to release it once sat down, it took seconds, compared to about 40 minutes yesterday.

The issue is that's she's back at nursery tomorrow and she's struggling so much at home despite having DH and I, I feel like she'll never manage there 😥

Don't worry about leaving it too late. You can't go back in time and do it earlier. We did it at 3y5months and it still took him over a month. I don't have any words of wisdom as we just used bribery in the end!

It sounds like she's actually doing really well. Keep going! And definitely bribe if necessary.

Carry on, she’s doing well. Make it more fun by adding in sticker charts or similar so she wants to do the wee and makes positive connections to it.

Sounds like you are making good progress. At that age I'd absolutely have rewards for each time she goes in the potty - sticker chart with stickers adding up to something special she likes doing, or an ice cream or similar (although I know you should t rewards with food etc). And make a big fuss at each success "you've done so well, such a big girl, so proud of you, etc".

Thank you! We've had 4 wees in the potty this afternoon! We even managed a quick nappy-free trip to the shop where she confidently said "I've just had a big wee so I won't need one in the shop".

I had tried bribery, I would have promised her anything at one point yesterday when I could see how desperate and uncomfortable she was but still wouldn't wee in the potty!

I think today has boosted her confidence. I think tomorrow at nursery will still be a struggle but she's made such good progress I definitely can't go back and put her in a nappy tomorrow. Fingers crossed she won't get too upset there.

If it makes you feel any better I uses bribes heavily for a fortnight and now he's completely forgotten about the bribes and will just go on his own without prompting.

Persevere, sounds like she's actually doing quite well. By that age they can hold it for quite a long time so she probably genuinely doesn't need to be using the potty that often.
I'd encourage her with the promise of a reward if she stays nappy free during the day this week

That's good to know! I was pretty paranoid about her holding it too long and getting a UTI which is what almost made me give up at first. But in the end the longest she went without a wee is 5 hours so not too bad.

Unfortunately she hasn't had a poo today so she'll have to tackle that one at nursery.

She's not even wanted daddy to take her to the potty today so I'm a bit worried that her using the potty is heavily dependent on me being with her. I've even considered taking a day off tomorrow...

By the last wee of the day she seemed so much more comfortable about it though, I just wish the weekend had been a bit longer to get even more practice in.

Help :(. She didn't wee at nursery all day. She's clearly uncomfortable and in tears now, still refusing to use the potty now when she was perfectly fine with it at home yesterday. We've taken 10 steps back. I actually can't bear to see her so upset.

Shall I give up? I feel like if I do, all the weekend efforts will have been wasted but I can't see a positive resolution 😥

I know not everyone wants to use screens but have you tried a quick video on YouTube and you'll play it when she sits on the potty and if she does a wee she gets a chocolate coin or similar? Hardcore bribes I know but it might get you over the hump!

They can hold it for a while at 3 remember. My DS doesn't always say he needs to go he sometimes just holds it in until I take him.

Yes, video worked the first time, then she refused it every time after as she associated it with doing a wee in the potty which she was trying to avoid at all costs. Food bribery isn't working either. Nursery is trying sticker charts, to no avail either.

I think im giving up. She is such a happy lovely girl, it breaks my heart to put her through this, she's been totally traumatised today!

But then I don't know if giving up is now going to confuse her even more.

I wish I didn't have to work, she was doing so well yesterday, she would have just needed a few more days like this at home until it became her new normal.

She hasn't been traumatised.
She's a normal 3yo who is being asked to make a huge life change, and she's going through a process every single child in the world goes through. Just keep at it.

Agree with this.

If you or DH could take some more time off work to practice more at home/with her parents, I do think that would help ease the process.

If that's not possible, I still think you should keep going. She's doing amazingly! I think your expectations are a bit too high tbh. She will get there very soon by the sounds of things.

I wish I had seen your messages yesterday, we sent her to nursery in a nappy this morning... I didnt want her being upset and uncomfortable all day again (she refused to eat there yesterday too).

We did come to the same conclusion though that we needed more practice at home before she was ready to do it at nursery so DH and I will figure out how to take a few days off to tackle it.

I really hope all the weekend efforts weren't wasted by us being walkovers about it this morning... I'm usually not a walkover at all but her upset over this has been something else!

It's worth mentioning that they have been trying her with it at nursery for months and months (probably before she was ready) so I think she has a bit of a mental block around doing it there.

You've not mentioned liquids. Is she having loads to drink, ice lollies, fresh fruit? If you're worried, you could put her in the bath? Better than a nappy and at least it's out then.

We're doing dd atm, she's just turned 3. She too can hold it for many hours, but she takes herself to the potty when she needs to, and it's not an emergency for her. We're having poop problems instead as she's been withholding and on movicol since 9 months old.

Ds was very different, much less control and very difficult and afraid of the potty. We left him alone and he decided by himself at 3.5 that from then on he wore pants, and he did.

Just seen your update. We went back and forth with both kids a few times. Give her a good break, take the pressure off, and try again. As long as she's ready before school then don't stress.

I don't think your/her efforts have been 'wasted' BUT if you are going nappy free again, you need to ensure she understands that This Is It next time. The danger is she will think 'well, last time I didn't want to use the potty and after refusing for a bit mummy let me have a nappy again, so I know I can do that this time again, and she will give me nappies again'. So really think about your communication with her on what is going to happen, and ensure you, DH and nursery are all on the same page that This Is It.

I'm certain she will do it great, it's just a new skill and there can be teething problems whilst the child adjusts. Sounds like you're doing great too at supporting her through it. Don't be hard on yourself, we are all just winging it!

Thank you that's reassuring. I do think she'll get there on her own without pressure. It was worth trying to force it but I think pushing it at nursery was too much too soon.

At least we know she can do it so there is no delay, she just needs to want to!

Also no school pressure as she's September born so we have ages yet.

Thank you so much! So do you think we need to park it until we have a few days off (which realistically won't be for a few weeks if not a couple of months) and then This Is It, or should we do a "nappy at nursery, potty at the weekend at home" for a while inbetween? Or will that just be too confusing?

You wouldn't believe btw that we have an older child based on how clueless I am with this, but with him we sent him to nursery in pants one Monday, and by the weekend he was fully potty trained, barely ever had an accident! Hence we were so blasé and didn't really have a plan with this one...

You can't turn back time but now you're in deep I'd continue. I wouldn't nappy at nursery either, give it at least a week there nappy less.

Instead of the potty, try the toilet at home.

Make sure she's drinking plenty.

Have you tried the book, oh crap? I used it for DD. It's got great tips on what to do in these situations. Maybe have a go over the Easter bank holiday when there's 4 solid days to crack it at home. Also, try putting a tap on if she's really holding. DD seems to have a bladder the size of a camel and can be equally wilful at times. Good luck!

Bladder the size of a camel made me laugh! Such an accurate description!

She screams when I put a tap on now when she's on the potty as she knows what I'm trying to do!

She is a very happy lovely little girl otherwise, honest! Which is why I'm giving her benefit of the doubt on this, as she is usually very easy going and not difficult at all.

Oh no! You've come this far so I'd be tempted to continue, at least for a couple of days. Have you spoken to nursery at all? They've done this countless times before so might have some suggestions. Peer pressure might also win out.
DD is now 5 and although I remind her to go to the toilet she can't always be persuaded. It's usually fine but does mean it can be a last minute dash at times.