Mum of twins - struggling with partner

[northernmomma]

I'm a mum to seven month old twins. They are absolutely wonderful and so much fun, but it's definitely been tough navigating the newborn phase and first time parent worries.

It's also put significant pressure on my relationship with my OH. I know I'm not alone in that and that the first year is particularly hard, but it has definitely brought out different sides of our personalities and created a void between, and if I'm honest a bit of a dislike for, each other.

There are small spells of it being okay between us, but those are mostly the exception, and I'm really not sure what to do about where we are.

I feel that my partner completely misunderstands me quite a lot of the time.

I'm a natural worrier and unfortunately a bit of a perfectionist. Having two babies to look after has definitely magnified all of that. I feel like I'm juggling lots, and I know it's resulted in me saying things in the wrong way or being a little overbearing which isn't fair of me.

That said, I've seen a selfish side in my partner since the twins were born and I often feel unsupported. I'm on maternity leave while he works full time, so I get that it's my responsibility to look after the boys while he's working but he doesn't seem to be able to acknowledge how intense that can be. He's told me previously that I just 'need to shape up'.

If I ask him to do something to help out when he's not working, I'm micromanaging him, giving him 'more tasks' or I'm 'leveraging' things.

I really try to take a step back, but if I don't mention things, he isn't so proactive and things won't really get done. An example is today - it's a weekend day, and we took it in turns to get out to the gym. When I came back, there were dirty bottles in the sink waiting to be sterilised, a really full nappy bin and a dirty flat.

More importantly, I worry about him keeping them safe. He left one of the babies on our sofa last weekend to get a muslin and he rolled off onto a wooden floor. I know accidents happen, and most importantly, he was okay. I know I need to be fair and let him parent. I know I should let him get on with it but I do worry - he just seems to forget simple things with them sometimes.

Early on, we agreed that I will generally be up during the night if one of the boys gets upset during the week, so he can get a good sleep for work. That's generally been manageable, but there have recently been a couple of occasions when both the twins have woken upset crying at the same time. Despite him waking up with the noise, he refused to help me - saying it 'wasn't what we agreed'. I get that but I know I would have gotten up if things had been the other way around - it's really hard to settle two upset babies on your own, at least for me it is! I've felt pretty alone in moments like this but moreover, I'd expect him to put our babies before himself. It makes me sad he doesn't. I visited my parents with them recently and they picked up a bug. He didn't even send messages to ask how they were, I had to remind him.

We've tried to give each other a little bit of space and time as the twins have gotten a little older. He says his quality of life is being eroded everyday. I want to try to be supportive of him with that but I really don't feel as though I'm getting the same back.

I'm exhausted - I'm up first, last to bed and doing 99% of things around our home as well as looking after the babies. I guess maybe we have differing views on how things should be - I'd expected us to be on this journey together but a lot of the time, it's feeling a bit lonely as much fun and incredible as the boys are.

I'm sorry for such a ramble. I'm not sure what I'm looking for - some advice on what to do differently? Maybe I'm being unreasonable, I'm really not sure anymore.

He's not pulling his weight in the slightest

Oh OP I’m so sorry. It sounds very exhausting for sure. Is he up with the babies Friday to Saturday and Saturday to Sunday to give you some rest? Uninterrupted sleep is so important to feel like you can cope.

Hi Ph3, we try to share it at the weekends but I've got the monitor beside me so it's hard to switch off fully. I asked him if he could manage one of the nights on his own last weekend as a one-off as it had been a particularly tough week of night sleeps, but he wasn't keen!

Um sorry but he doesn't get to refuse to help out if they both need settling, it's twins, you need ALL hands on deck during the early years, he's a waste of space, so selfish.

Hi @northernmomma So I don’t have twins. I have 3 kids they are now 12,10 and 9.
So I have not had twins but they are all very close in age so I have had some experience of having to settle more than one at the time but obviously not like you! It’s relentless and exhausting. Husband is in the financial sector so really long hours - which is also tiring specially mentally. However he ALWAYS did the Friday and Saturday feeds/changing/settling. He has to do more. Yes it’s your responsibility to settle the babies when he’s at work but when he’s home it’s a SHARED responsibility otherwise one if working more than the other. And in this case it’s you. Don’t let him convince you otherwise.

edited to say: The monitor can be put on his side of the bed or you can sleep on his side of the bed for those nights.

Maternity leave? So you’re going to have to rely on him soon. You are becoming the default parent and resentment is starting to build on both sides.
You need him to understand his life has changed. Leave him with them sometimes and try not to worry. Hope he starts to enjoy them more as they get older.
Am trying not to be too negative but he does sound like my ex who just couldn’t cope with ours (toddler and twins) when I returned to work part time. He went through the motions until I could come and take over again.

You have both been through a life changing time.

Is there anyway you pay for a bit of help?

It would help you both to be able to step back a bit, to see the "wood for the trees".

I had twins and there is no way I would have survived if my husband had behaved like this.

I do understand what he's saying about 'quality of life', as do you, clearly - but no one with twin babies is living their best life, it's tough and as a pp said you need all hands on deck. And you both need to help each other get the time out and the rest you need.

You're right to recognise that you have to step back and let him do things his way, and maybe try to drop your standards a bit. You're obviously aware that this is an issue, and do try to listen to his take on this.

But equally him telling you to 'shape up', refusing to help when there are two babies crying in the night, is just not good enough. He needs to have your back in that scenario

I did once hear the suggestion that you shouldn't make any major decisions about relationships in the baby years, as no one is at their best, and I do think that stands. My husband and I have never fought as much as we did during the first two years. I promise you it does get easier and your relationship will improve.

But I don't think you're being unreasonable in your expectations, and it sounds like you need to have a good chat with him about overall strategies/teamwork and generally how hard it actually is caring for two babies on your own all day. What you "agreed" clearly isn't working in reality - who can adequately prepare for the reality of twins? - and however hard he thinks he's got it, you've got it harder right now.

The dirty flat when you came back from the gym ....that is just differing standards I'm afraid. My husband would not have 'seen" the mess, only the childcare part.
But, he would not have ever said the words to the effect that his "quality of life was being eroded" or not gone to help a crying baby. He got up in the night all the time and spent a lot of time playing and entertaining them when not at work.
I had three under two when they were born, toddler plus twins and yes it is an incredibly stressful time when you have no family or friends to share the daily load and weekend load and it is familiar territory that tempers fray.
But he has clearly decided his needs are being neglected and that to me would be unforgivable.
But mess...men often do not notice it. Grownup Meals, childcare, clean clothes are often prioritized and tidying up, bottle washing is bottom of the list.

How will this pan out if you go back to work ?
I was a sahm and waited for DH to come back and help me after long days of child rearing definitely not doing it all even when at home all day!!!

Thank you all so much for your replies and the advice.

You're right, I need to relax about the things that just don't matter that much and leave him be with the boys a bit more. I'm hoping things get a little easier as they get older too.

But we do need to have a conversation about how we work better as a team both now at weekends/when he isn't working so we can both get a bit of a break, and how things are going to work/be shared between us when I go back to work (I'm due to go back part time at the end of May) so we support each other.

Thanks again 💛

I agree with twins you need all hands on deck. I'll be honest and I'm not sure why a husbands sleep needs to be prioritised just because he as works. You're a SAHM with twins to look after, if anything you need both be making sure are sharing the night waking and both getting rest.

I don't have twins but I'm a twin myself and my dad shared night feeds from the night we came home from hospital. He jokes now about going to work with matchsticks in his eyes but my mum wouldn't have coped otherwise and my dad would have never seen my mum struggling.

The all hands on deck question is more complicated than you might think because each person has differing ideas of what is necessary to keep the ship buoyant.
My husband really couldn't have cared less about worktops clutter hoovering clean bathrooms It was important to me. So almost immediately you have a fracture line as you are working hard spending your time to do something the other partner thinks is unnecessary in the greater scheme of things. And he perceived there was no work to do but you could have rested or done something entirely different that HE would have prioritized.
And that's where the arguments start!!
Tbh I used to find the weekends more exhausting than the weekdays.
Later it changed when we worked out what was more important to each of us and adapted accordingly. My husband was good at taking the children out on adventures or to the park. I was good at that too, particularly playdates but even better at decluttering or tidying than him. So it became more of a tradeoff ...you do this bit of actual childcare and I deal with this essential part of running the household. What fell between the cracks js this perception of family time where both adults are harmoniously caring for the children alongside each other. I found that quite difficult. He would put half the kids to bed and I would wash up then put other kids to bed.
We are still together 25 years later. I still look back on those early years as a slightly hideous series of wrangles. But I couldn't have managed without him. He was incredibly involved in the nuts and bolts of looking after them, groceries etc. DIY and housekeeping, not so much.

Are you married? He is the babies' father, right??

The dirty fault thing is one thing: not sure how he's meant to clean the fault whilst looking after twins tbh

But the lack of willingness to get up in the middle of the night and see to his kids is something else.

Bear one thing in mind op: he sees you struggling, and he is fine with it. He thinks it's acceptable that things are harder for you than him.

From experience, I will be blasted on Mumsnet. However I would still recommend Surrendered Wife book. She has plenty of good ideas tested with other mums. I read the book and the first thing I did was to go to a concert with a friend. When I got back I was pleasantly surprised the boys were still alive and the place hasn't burned down. It only got better from that point. The book really changed my perspective on a lot of things. You don't have to take every single bit of Laura Doyle's advice to see an improvement in your life.

Not married and financially dependent to a jackass who thinks caring for his own children is optional.

What are your plans to change this?

His quality of life is being eroded everyday…

You’re going to hear of this as time goes on.

OP, I have twins and a Singleton and it's full on most days.
DH is similar that he isn't the most proactive at seeing what needs to be done. However, he is helpful that when I say something has to be done, he does it.
I've taken the "work" approach to this, and asked him if he thinks what we both do around the house is fair, he said no. I asked him how he feels he can step up, and he gave some vague suggestions.
Believe that I gave him SMART targets for what to do 😂 every weekend, he gets up with them one weekend day, nappies, breakfast, tidies kitchen, plays, the wash needs to be on, beds stripped and starts lunch. When i come down, I need to see a tidy house, not a bombsite. Expect me down around midday. This has worked for us and is all done because expectations are laid out beforehand.