Having another baby after 40?

[Liliputian]

I’m 42 and had my first/only child at 40. I love being a mum but I had a traumatic birth experience which led to a lot of PNA/D which also got worse with anxiety over breastfeeding. Also had PGP while I was pregnant. Subsequent weight gain (after fourth trimester when baby was about 4 mos old) has left me really depressed about my physical shape and I’m even more concerned about how weak my body feels and how creaky it is. I work full time and feel exhausted constantly and really struggle to find time to exercise or any of the self care routines that I had before having a baby.

But I think about babies and having more all the time. I’d love to have another one and a sibling for my daughter would be amazing. I’m just not sure if it’ll leave me more depleted and if my body will just crumble and I’ll have nothing left in terms of energy or stamina and any capacity I have left to improve my physical health and strength will be gone and even more difficult to gain back. And sometimes I think it’s best to be one and done. I’d be really interested to from anyone in a similar situation at the same time in their lives ….

Ah OP, I read your title and came on to say go for it.
But having read what you say I’m really not so sure. A lot to consider.
One thing I’d say…you may need to make up your mind fast! 42 is a good bit older than 40 in terms of fertility, so if you want to try you need to try very soon (I’m sorry!!!)
I had a DC at 41 (conceived easily) but by 43 it was impossible for me because of the decline in my fertility.

I googled PNA/D and am non the wiser as to what that is. PGA I found.
I had my kids at 41- and 43. I developed type 1 diabetes during my first pregnancy and did gain quite a bit between them ( it during though). But I wanted another do had one.
If younger I would have suggested a routine to get in better shape, with Pilates which might help (no idea though) keep you supple yet strong? But time is against you. Way it up - imagine you will have exactly the same as last pregnancy and birth and post birth. Only you can say it's worth it. You might also discuss this with an OB.

Thank you for this really help … I hadn’t realised the fertility decline after 40 is so much steeper however reading about it I see that fertility rate goes from 75% to 53% from age 40 to 42 which is crazy… Situation isn’t helped by the fact that DH is concerned that we’ll drown with a second baby, both mentally and financially and I don’t think he wants to go through the sleepless nights again even if it it’s just the first two years that are hardest …

Thank you, really useful points. I’ve started doing a bit more exercise in recent weeks and it’s already made a massive difference in terms of my joint pain and mobility — but if I get preggo again and the PGP comes back stronger (which it’s very likely to) I’ll probably have to work harder ….

pna/d = postnatal anxiety / postnatal depression

Nothing you have posted makes it sound like having another would be a good idea TBH.

If you aren't coping well with one how will you cope with a baby and a toddler?

Oh, tough one. As above, fertility sadly falls of a cliff from 40 onwards so you might have the stress and anxiety of trying to conceive but not managing. Normally I'd say take a chance on it, but it sounds like this might hit you hard.

I think I'm with your husband. It sounds like another baby might really make you all suffer, which includes your current child. And that assumes all goes well - do you have the capacity to fully nurture both your current child and a new child if they have additional needs which becomes more common the older the parents are?

No I wouldn't going off what you've said, I would focus on the child I have if I was you. Two is a lot more stressful and you've already been through a lot.

"DH is concerned that we’ll drown with a second baby, both mentally and financially and I don’t think he wants to go through the sleepless nights again"

Depends how much you value your marriage over another baby really. Your husband has every right not to want another one - and he'd clearly rather be hit by a brick. Also, if your health is properly buggered after another baby your existing child will suffer. I think in your case having another one is going to be a spectacularly bad idea. If it ain't broke, don't try and fix it as they say.

I wouldn’t personally.
I was much younger(20’s) when I had my first two and having two close in age is exhausting and that was with me being a sahm and a very easy first baby. I could t imagine doing it now I’m in my 40’s and when already struggling with 1dc, poor physical/mental health and a husband who isn’t keen.

The idea of another baby is lovely and I think it’s quite common to have the feeling of wanting another but it’s also ok to recognise that sometimes that isn’t in the best interests of the family as a whole.

I would say that you need to look at your diet and make sure you start taking your pre pregnancy vitamins and minerals, give up alcohol and anything else that could work against your body and then it might sound crazy but I would go for another.

I look at the longterm regret of never having tried for a second which could lead to a worse depression that you never come to terms with.

You can have a planned CSection to get over any birthing experiences and worry about losing weight at a later date.

The issues around PGP etc I would do everything to preempt and manage but it wouldn’t stop me going for a 2nd

Every pregnancy experience is different

Coming on to the points about post birth mental well being. My first couldn’t breastfeed and I felt so depressed and fed up and genuinely jealous of other mums who could do this. It was built up so much when I was pregnant that you must breastfeed or you are letting your baby down.

with my second as I knew he was my last - I refused to let anything get in the way of my well being or enjoyment. When breastfeeding was going well in the early days. I moved on and got the bottles out.

I wanted to share as somehow my perspective was totally different with baby 2.

I certainly wouldn't have a second unless I was sure dh was on board. It sounds like you're struggling with one (nothing wrong with that. I struggled too and made the decision to stop where dh would have carried on). What if your second depletes you more, has a serious disability or impacts your marriage to the extent you split up?

From what you’ve said, i’d stick with one, especially as your dh isn’t completely on board.

Of course you'll have less energy and less money and your body will feel gbe effects. There's a good chance you'll struggle to get pregnant. Also remember the risks for you and baby will be higher if you do get pregnant. Personally I wouldn't recommend it.