Help convince me this is not forever

[Impatient6227]

Hi, I'm hoping someone can pull me put of my despair as I feel like I'm never going to feel human again.

DD is 5 and half months old, and her sleeping is getting worse rather than better, she was achieving longer stretches (5-6 hours over night) up until about 3 months old, from then it's really really inconsistent, some nights it'll be one wake up and others it will be 3/4 wakes ups...I'm so so tired, I feel like i can't do this much longer.

I think it's not helping that DS (turns 2 in 2 weeks) was a really really solid sleeper from early on and although we knew you never get 2 the same, I don't think we anticipated just how hard it would be to run long term on lack of sleep.

DD is also very very clingy (DS never was) and screams if she's not being held by me or DP. Is this a phase? How can I help her not be in so much distress with other people?

Does anyone have any advice? People keep telling me to sleep train but I can't bear the sound of crying, it makes my heart physically hurt.

In my over emotional state, I'm also starting to get really paranoid family are comparing her to her brother and think she's just an annoyance. I know rationally this isn't the case but it's really really upsetting me.

Help me with some positive stories please 🙏

It's always a phase and it will pass.

I've been there and I'm so sorry it's so so tough. You are doing amazingly well.

It WILL get better. In the mean time a few questions..

• do you have a partner who can help?
• do you have any support e.g. from parents?
• are you breastfeeding?

@Impatient6227 sending so much solidarity (and caffeine!!). My first DD, now 3.5 years old, was exactly like this. From about 4 months old she would wake hourly - and usually scream the house down unless immediately on a boob!! She was horrific, and when I finished mat leave I'd regularly cry when I got to work as I was so exhausted. She didn't really improve until she was almost 2 years old! Like you, I couldn't bear sleep training - we did try but even the 'no cry' methods resulted in tears!! She was very stubborn!! She now, mostly, sleeps through and never screams or cries. If she does wake, she usually toddles in to our bed (hoping this is also a phase and more in response to her new baby sister)

We now had DD2 who is 3 months old. Whilst she currently sleeps well, she is fussy and a velcro baby like you describe your daughter. She whinges and cries unless someone is carrying her around - but screams bloody murder if put in a carrier. She has to be physically held by someone!! I am bracing myself for the 4 month regression again, honestly we waited longer than usual to have her as we were so done in from our firstborns awful sleep!!! So I can safely say it is a phase, however knowing that doesn't make it any easier!!

I've told my husband it's now very clear we only seem to make very fussy babies!!

It’s a phase, I promise, my DD was the same.
One thing that saved me? Earphones.
I sleep trained her at 9 months with earphones in. It took one night, 2 hours and she was done.
I think I started it at 2 minutes, went in, put dummy in, left the room. Doubled it to 4 minutes, then to 8 etc.
I kept telling myself “she is safe, she is fed, she has a clean nappy, she’s just tired”. It worked, she’s been a 7pm to 7am sleeper since.

It’s just a phase, however you deal with it, it will pass x

Hi @Purple89

Thank you!

Tes DP is here, he is very supportive but I don't think he truly understands the demands physically and mentally.

Parents are around, I see them once a week but DM has been diagnosed with early onset alzheimers so not so much hands on help. DPs family are involved and a massive help but I feel that's where the comparisons between DS and DD come from. Regardless, I'm grateful for them.

Yes she is EBF, ideally I was hoping to combination feed her, but we've tried a bottle of formula a couple of times and it really doesn't seem to agree with her (seems uncomfortable, sleeps terribly after having it). We've tried cow and gate and aptimil and both seem to be the same, I don't think taking a bottle is an issue as she'll happily have breast milk from a bottle!

Love this! At least they're consistent! If I'd have had my 2 the other way round there would have been a much bigger age gap!

Was she sleeping 7-7 straight after that one night!?

I'd take one wake up and an early morning right now.

She looks so asleep, every day I think this is going to be a good night and by midnight my hopes and dreams are dashed!

She sounds like quite a good sleeper still. I'm assuming she's formula fed, if so buy the ready made bottles for overnight to get her back to sleep quicker.
Of course it won't last forever though! You'll be out of the baby/toddler stage before you know it, and most children sleep reasonably OK even if there's a bit of effort needed at bedtime still.

Just saw your update about breastfeeding, she's sleeping fantastically for a breastfed baby!
Have you thought about co sleeping? DH moved out of the bed while ours breastfed as we wanted to prioritise good quality sleep for everyone.

You could try sticking your LO in a high chair while you do things (wash up, fold clothes, whatever) and put some toys like Duplo or soft stacking cubes in front of them - something they can chuck off if they like! I found, when mine could sit but not for long periods unassisted, they would cry whenever I put their on them back. However they were happy in the high chair enjoying the view.

Also at five and half months, you could start giving solids and get the ball rolling. You could make eg baby porridge with peanut butter one of the foods you introduce earlier, and put that near bed time - might help if some early night wakes are hunger-associated. You've done this before so you'll know if your LO is ready to wean :) There's a scientific study that found weaning helps EBF babies sleep a little longer (15 minutes, on average) and wake a little less often jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2686726

Also - even as a combi fed baby, at 5.5 months mine was still waking at 2am and sometimes 5am to feed. The 2am feed went around 6.5 months when we started offering formula in the night instead (because LO stopped feeding to sleep after BF, V stressful...)

It's not easy when they wake so often, but you've got this. Research shows we can feel well slept and rested for 4 hours as a BF mum?

Tips and solidarity; try to sleep in the evening when you first put children to sleep - quick way to build those zzzz, you can have your 'me time' at other opportunities.

Do you co sleep? If not, look to safety on 'lullaby trust' and see if this works for you and your family.

CIO is old info that has been proven creates more harm than good for children later in life, so listen to your instincts on this one.

My 2y old is BF and still wakes.. as did her sister and brother before her (they're teens). I returned to work when 2y old was 10m old full time. Still function and I'm woken through the night. What helps me, is the co sleeping and the mindset that 'it is what it is, she will sleep through one day' took the pressure off to have no expectations of society's 'baby sleeping through'.

My two both slept through for the first time when they went to nursery at 10mo. It will pass but it's much easier to wear them out once they're mobile!

(Reliably sleeping through .... pffft not sure maybe 5yo? But it is much easier when they can get in and out of bed on their own!)

Oh God solidarity.

My second was much like this. He'd lulled us into a false sense of security after appearing to be a fairly good sleeper from 6 weeks until 5 months. After which he then spent the next 6-8 weeks waking on the hour every hour. And ofc the only way he'd go back to sleep was with boob. He was also a stubborn little shit (still is) and rejected his Dad wholesale (only recently that has changed), so only I would do.

We (eventually) figured out that he was a light sleeper (not as bad now, but still fairly light) and we were waking him when moving/making sounds in our sleep. We weren't ready to put him in with his sister, so my husband's study became a temporary nursery for a couple of months. I think it got a bit better after that, but I don't remember how, why or when as I'd developed PND as a result of not sleeping for over a month.

It did get better though. He crawled at 10 months, and started sleeping through not long (at 12 months I think) after that. Better than his sister who waited until after she was walking at 15-16 months to sleep through. It will pass though. It's shit while you're in the thick of it, but it will end eventually.

It will pass and will happen sooner than you think, but I know right now it seems like forever. Both my children were the same, they slept great from around six weeks to three months old then went downhill. Some nights multiple wakes. I was a mess most days, dizzy and sick from tiredness. Six - eight months was worse than the newborn stage for me. Even sleep training may not help if it is something like hunger waking them. I feel like we had a shift around nine months where they started waking only once a night and both mine started sleeping through consistently from about 12/13 months. Now my youngest is 15 months and the sleep issues seem like forever ago.

We did some co sleeping wgeb she was smaller but now she's rolling around a bit i just don't feel comfortable with it, we've also had to move her from the next to me into her cot (in our room) as she's outgrown it.

Thank you for that I'll take a look at the link - I think she's ready for a bit of gentle weaning yes, she's in the past week sitting assisted with a much straighter back and watches me like a hawk while I'm eating. Might try some weetabix today and see how that goes down.

Great idea re the highchair, this will at least give me some handfree time!

Yes I have on occasion gone to bed at the same time as the children, funnily enough that was one of the RARE nights she slept until 2am!

I feel so bad for wishing this time away, this will be our last baby as I'm no spring chicken and tge pregnancies being quite close has really taken a toll! But also secretly dreaming of being able to tire DD out!

Does anyone remember what time they were putting LO down around 5.5months? I have no clue what is a good time.

Very normal to experience sleep regression and separation anxiety phases around 6 to 8 months. And again just over a year.

Hang in there it's not forever.
Your little girl is an overachiever and doing it early! Has she started developing new skills? Or teeth?

5 month old with bottom teeth was a nightmare.

Very frustrated 4 month old who was determined he wanted to be walking and tried to pull himself up every time he was put down, was feeding every two hours and slept NEVER, 😂certainly felt like that.

Introducing baby rice helped.

She's just started to roll over and spin around and is desperate to be sat up all the time she's awake (and so far off being able to sit up unsupported!)

We've been blaming teeth for a while she wants everything in her mouth and is very drooly but looking at her gums I don't see any teeth cutting so not sure.

Baby rice is a powder you add to thicken milk right? I might give that a whirl and see if there's any improvement, thank you

Yup you make it up with milk or water, it's effectively rice flour. Worth a try anyway.

You would think they'd be exhausted from all the energy expended practicing and gaining new skills but it feels more like they are kinetically charging themselves!

It will pass, of course! But at the time it doesn’t feel like it.

Aside from the eleventy billion pieces of helpful advice you can find online my main advice to you is to get help. Go stay with family/ in-laws for a few days, and throw yourself on their mercy.

And once the lighter, milder weather arrives in a few weeks time get both kids outdoors (as long as they don’t have a cold). I find everyone slept much better after a day out fresh air, and I certainly felt more human if I dragged myself out. Even better if you can find another mum locally to keep you company!