Not sure what to do - grandparent

[Confusedandemotional]

My husbands mum has been difficult all of his life. They’ve had a very difficult relationship with ups and downs. When our kids came along (both primary school now) she got more involved again but again with ups and downs, tantrums from her, letting us down on several occasions around childcare, causing scenes at any family event. He eventually went low contact which has really upset everyone (though kids dont seem bothered at all) he’s having issues with his two sisters now as theyre blaming him for the family ‘division’. This is upsetting as he was so close to his sisters. We do still see her but its very ‘arms length’.
Anyway things got bad over christmas and she basically ‘disowned’ him as a son and is playing victim to his sisters even though she caused the issue that led to the final straw….he’s been very depressed as his sisters are giving him the silent treatment and its awful to watch. Anyway, she is now asking to see our children - despite the fact she wont apologise to her son. She wants to take them on a day out next weekend on her own. Husband is torn by this as he really doesnt feel okay about it but he knows if he says no itll cause more drama and he’ll be further pushed out by his sisters. Ive said I’ll stand by whatever he feels. I feel the same to be honest - really angry she thinks she can treat him like this then demand access to our kids like he doesnt even matter anymore. Any advice? We don’t want to rock the boat further but we also feel like it’s not okay to act like she has then just want to continue to play happy families with our children. There is no FIL they divorced ages ago and he barely sees his dad.

I think this is one of those situations where you either have a relationship or you don’t. You can’t keep dipping in and out. Your dh needs to make a decision about what’s best for him and stick to it. Me personally, therapy helped a lot with that.

As to your question about the kids, we are NC with my mum and several other family members and no they don’t see our dc. If they aren’t someone I can have a healthy relationship with as an adult because of their manipulative behaviour, there is no way I’d push that onto my kids to figure out how to deal with. We’re a whole package.

Thank you for replying. That’s how we both feel. We come ‘as a package’ - our little family is really important to us as we both come from dysfunctional birth families. I can see how depressed it’s making him about his sisters though - he’s pretty much be saying yes to this request in the hope they might start being nice to him again. They haven’t been awful (well actually they said some awful things in Jan) but they’re just not engaging with him. It’s so sad. It’s such a mess. All they can say to him is ‘you need to stop this you’re tearing our family apart’ - it’s awful.

Cut her out. Let the sisters learn for themselves the hard way. I'm sure they'll end up getting messed around just the same.

No she can't just see your children while treating her son like that. Get rid.

If your MIL is too toxic to be around your husband, she is certainly too toxic to be around your children, particularly without either of their parents being there.

It is very likely that she will try and turn your children against their own parents. You need to protect them and keep them away from your husband's dysfunctional family.