Selfish grandparents

[shelle07]

My MIL makes no effort with us or her grandchildren (who are now teens). She lives in the same village. My DH goes to see her every week and she has him running circles around him. I’ve given up trying so hard, as all the effort was mine. I feel sorry for my teens that she shows no interest. When they do see her she is uninterested, negative, and usually complaining about the differences in their generation.
MIL makes excuses about going to stay with SIL, and SIL only visits once a year (lives 2 hours away). MIL always boasts about other grandchildren to mine, which also builds resentment.
If DH tries to tell her how we feel she cries, so he tries to avoid it now.
Any advice? We have our hands full with our own teen parenting. Just wish she could be a mother to us and care enough, rather than expect us to run circles around her all of the time.

Why on earth do you want any of her time or attention when she treats you like that? Go NC and stop pandering to her.

Sadly some people are awful. Its up to you to decide whether you want to spend your time trying to change them.

She is who she is and she's not going to miraculously change into a loving and interested mother and grandmother. You need to take on board the first line of the Serenity Prayer - lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The only person your irritation and resentment is affecting is you, and, by association, your husband and possibly DC. It's totally wasted energy so drop the rope. Accept DH sees her once a week (but you don't want to hear about it) and let the teens decide for themselves if they want anything to do with her. Certainly don't pressure them to visit.

Yes it's a shame, yes she sounds awful, but you can't change her, you can only change how you react, so for your own wellbeing, let it go.

Sounds like you're all better off without her. Let DH see her if he wants but you and the kids can keep your distance. Are your own parents on the scene?

I have a MIL like this and it is horrible. It makes you feel like you are not worthy or valid. My MIL has all the time in the world and sill can't be bothered to give us any. Her life is honestly pretty empty.

MIL used to phone me up to tell me how fabulous her other grandkids were, i used to come off the calls miserable and emotional. It was worse because one of my children had some developmental delays and he has a cousin the same age and gender who was probably above average. I cant decide if she was being actively unkind or if she is just thick. I think she is a mix of the two attributes.

I found the most valuable thing was to block her number so she can't access us. So I don't have to listen to her. I would get upset when she wouldn't remember their birthdays or special occasions. Now I don't know what she does or doesn't remember. This little bit of control is enormous in its impact.

My son is actually living a full life now he is older, he still has challenges but it isn't the same deep embedded fear I have today that I had years ago. I can tolerate her in group settings, I don't think anyone would notice I spend the absolute minimum time with her.

Oh and now ... she has become frail it is kind of handy that we never had a relationship, so she never asks me for anything because I am so terrible at answering my phone.

I never restrict my husbands interaction with her. She was a good mother to him as a child so she will always have that credit in the bank. I don't want to sabotage her whole reputation but I also don't want to deal with her myself.

My dad had an affair a couple of years ago and has cut contact since, and my mother later decided to stick by him. So although they are around, we only see my mother at significant times of the year.