Very emotional 5 year old

[Mummabear04]

My 5 year old is just so emotional I'm struggling to handle it. I find whenever we have to leave somewhere she just cries and I've tried everything to help sooth the transition, count down for leaving, telling her we are pausing and there will be a next time, cuddles, distraction, nothing works. Whenever we go to someone's house for a play date she just can't handle leaving. I honestly don't see any other 5 year old behaving like this. No ASN, we're not over strict or passive. I don't know what to do but I'm finding it very hard to stay calm and understanding when it happens every time! I know a lot of people will suggest the highly sensitive child book and I've read it but I didn't find it helpful. I do think it's partly her personality that she is very emotional and I'm aware I'm different to that so maybe that's why I'm finding it hard...

Is she emotional at other points? Or is it just transitions? Maybe talk to her when she's calm about how she feels when a transition happens, and how she would like to be supported. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

Sounds like my eldest son with autism and inattentive adhd tbh. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 10 because he was very advanced in speech and very intelligent, passed his GCSEs with 4/5 in most subjects and 6s in science. Is getting merit to distinction in conservatation level 3 atm in college. What worked best for us is timers but not us doing it, it had to be a phone or egg timer. He had to know what to expect and the final activity was when we set the phone alarm. We would say this is the last activity (last game, last thing we are doing). We have upto 30mins an hour or whatever. What time do YOU want the time set for?. That child then decides the time and then reiterate that. Once they've chosen the time, let them set the time with your help. Once it's set you remind them, that once it goes off it's time to go. If possible get them ready to go before setting the alarm so they only have to go and nothing else. Them choosing the time within the time limit makes it their choice and not yours. It helps give them the sense of control and you're not being the mean nasty person (you aren't but kids do think it) making them leave all the fun.

Time for a chat with her in the cold light of day. Lay out expectations of good behaviour when leaving anywhere, and explain that she’ll no longer be able to go places if she can’t manage herself at the end.
Then, when she manages it - lots of praise.
If she falters- a reminder of expectations and consequences again.

My nearly 6 yo daughter goes through phases of being like this & always has. For example, sometimes she has weeks or months of skipping happily into school, then we'll have a week where staff have to peel her off of me. All she can tell me is she wants to be with me. Same if I am leaving the house without her etc.

I always have the solace that I know it's a phase and it will end. Is it the same with your daughter or constant?

I find talking to her directly and telling her what I expect helps. So for example, "Next time I leave the house, I don't want you to be upset because there is no need to be upset, I love you and I will be back. All mummies need to do things by themselves sometimes. I want you to say, "Have a nice time mummy, see you later!" and see a big smile on your face."

Sounds weird but it does work for us. I do worry I am teaching her to suppress her emotions but, actually, we do need to learn to do that, don't we?! And I believe the more we practice being regulated the more it happens naturally.

I’m interested in reading your responses as I’m still having this with my DD10. She’s never liked leaving me or me leaving her (lockdowns made it worse) and I’d feel terrible about her being so distraught, even though she was fine after 5 minutes or so. She’s was crying at school on Friday as they changed the dinner menu. She was crying from Spring Bank last year until September about moving into year 5. Reassuring her doesn’t seem to work. It’s so frustrating. I hope you get some good advice. 🤞🏻

Sorry I just re-read your post and realise its about leaving places not you leaving her! I think same principles apply & my daughter does struggle with this too.

What do you mean ‘no ASN’ - has she been assessed? Or are you just hoping there aren’t any additional needs?

Agree with this. I work with children with ASD, and difficulty with transitions is something they all share.

My DS is 9 and like this too. Sometimes we just need to let him know timings and schedules and that’s enough and sometimes nothing works. He is also really emotional and cries over lots of things including any sort of change (we got a new toaster and he was distraught because we got rid of the old one). He is also not currently classed as ASN and despite his teacher having noticed he’s a bit different to the other children, there isn’t anything significant at school to support any notion of ASD or ADHD. He is happiest though when he knows the plans or has an influence in the planning stage but we do need to do regular reminders as he often forgets the plans too.

Is she emotional in general or is it transitions and change specifically where she struggles to regulate herself?

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it ❤️

So she doesn't struggle with all transitions, just when she is enjoying herself and not ready to leave. She runs happily into school and I struggle even to get a goodbye sometimes! Play dates are the main thing that is really hard. If it's something else like leaving soft play or anything like that I can do the count down thing and mentally prepare her to get ready to go and she might not like it but she does very well most of the time. I'm not sure why play dates are the problem. She plays very happily with her friends but it's always dress up or some kind of pretend game and then when it's time to leave she will complain she's not even had time to play (I think with the toys), she says that her friends toys are better and she doesn't have anything (which isn't true, she has loads of toys and I try to always make sure as she grows her toys are age appropriate). I've tried to explain to her that other people's toys/houses are exciting because you don't get to see them all the time but that her friends will feel the same about her toys and that that's why play dates are so fun and that she can play with the toys next time. It just doesn't seem to get through. I think she does understand but she just can't control her emotions. She said she just can't stop crying and while I think it's healthy to cry, she also needs to learn how to calm down too. I've tried teaching her to breathe but she's so upset she won't do it, I've tried giving her a hug but it won't calm her down, I've tried talking to her, it doesn't work.

She is a very emotional child but she has slightly mellowed with age or is just able to cope a bit better. For instance she was very sensitive to uncomfortable clothing and would howl until I managed to fix an cuff of a jacket or a sock etc. I did worry about ASN and I have mentioned it to my HV and to her teacher but both say they aren't worried and her reactions/behaviour are normal for her age and actually when speaking to friends with kids of similar ages she does seem in line with them and very different to the ASN kids. I am no expert of course and I continue to keep an eye on her and will mention again to her teacher if I have concerns. I do think she just is a very sensitive child and it's her personality to cry and let out her emotions. I'm just not sure how to teach her to cope and manage her emotions so they don't rule her.

Further to the playdates and I'm not sure if this is linked (but I obviously think it is seeing as I'm mentioning it) but DD has always struggled a bit with friendships. She was with me for the first couple of years during covid etc so there was a lot of one on one time. When I went back to work my DP took her and were very one on one with her too. She struggled going to nursery when she turned 3 and didn't really settle until she found a little best friend. They were absolutely joined at the hip the whole time and then when she started school she found a BF at school and they are in turn joined at the hip. It's a very cute little relationship but I'm also aware it's important for DD to have a few friends. When he her BF was off school sick DD said she didn't play with anyone (I'm not sure this is possible spending 6 hours in a room full of kids). She has other friends and she is always invited to birthday parties but I think she struggles with just casual friendships and I'm not sure if this is from 3 years of intense family relationships? I've tried to explain to her that she can play with her BF and other kids at the same time but I don't know if she does. When we have play dates with other kids she always has such a good time and then struggles to come away so she is building other relationships but I'm not sure how much that transpires in her school day or if she is glued to her BF. Anyway I'm not sure I've answered all the questions or gone on a tangent...

Everything you mention in relation to your DD (sensitive, ignores other children apart from BFF, sensory issues related to clothing) suggest that further imvestigation for ASD might be helpful.

She will be masking in school, which is why they’re not worried. Girls internalise their symptoms, boys externalise (and can cause trouble, which is why they get picked up).

But OP tell me their kids are like this too? I'm not sure how to approach the teacher if they think she is fine?

Meet with the teacher and tell her that you’ve reason to believe she’s masking in school. Tell her about her behaviour at home. Ask her to keep an eye out for friendship irregularities, sensory sensitivities, difficulty with transitions, a spiky academic profile. Ask for a chat with the SENDCo.

Your DD will do really well with the right support.

The thing is that there is little point pushing for a diagnosis when the reasons to suspect SEN aren't causing problems currently outside of one specific area. The services are so overwhelmed they are restricting referrals in some areas to only children who are significantly struggling. Much as I loathe the model of waiting until a child is drowning to seek support, the reality is you won't get anywhere without it. And it's also not as though a diagnosis magically opens up information - you can read about ASD in girls, ADHD in girls, etc without having a diagnosis. Services like Occupational Therapy might be accessible but even so, not all families get offered this.

I do think it might be helpful for OP to be open minded to the possibility, because it may help with resources. What I mean by that is that if you come across a resource which says it's aimed at autistic/ADHD children, don't rule it out as not being relevant. If it sounds like it might help, it's worth a try. Or even looking at something like The Highly Sensitive Child, which is not specific to any diagnosis but does have some overlap with various neurodivergent conditions.

In terms of supporting emotional regulation, the best thing to do at this age is just keep talking about emotions! Give her words to describe her emotions, talk about how characters in books and TV or while playing together (e.g. with Playmobil) are feeling, what they might do next and what impact that action might have on their feelings/the feelings of the other characters around them. The original book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (rather than the Little Kids one) also has some good advice.

This might be useful for playdates, the approach won't be detrimental for a non-ADHD child. (Click on Download PDF to read the article):

chadd.org/attention-article/how-you-can-be-a-friendship-coach-for-your-child-with-adhd/