Newborn and visitors

[Confusedcrowd]

A family friend came, with my mum, to visit my newborn (2 weeks old). The first thing she said when she came through the door was that the person she lives with was gutted she couldn’t come but she’s not so well and that there’s something going round. I could see my partner was really uncomfortable & knew she would be extremely anxious and worry after the visit. This is mainly because the visitor could have picked up something from the person she lives with unknowingly & pass it on.

I cracked the window slightly in the living room and opened the lovely gift she got us. I held the baby and basically just didn’t let her go. I could see she was waiting for a cuddle but I just never offered & it got quite awkward. In the end my mum said right we best be going. Family friend looked upset when leaving. I’ve not really spoke to my mum since & she hasn’t been to see the baby so don’t know if she is annoyed about it or if she even realises what I was thinking.

I know I have more important things to be thinking about right now but I can’t help feeling really bad and she probably didn’t know why I didn’t want her to hold the baby. I mean it might have been fine but I just knew it would cause my partner a lot of stress if she held her.

It was a few days ago & it’s still stressing me out. I wish I would have just been open & explained but I didn’t want to offend anyone. I guess I’m wondering what others would have done & if anyone has any advice. I mean she bought some lovely presents and didn’t even get a hold of the baby. I was dying inside…!!

If they weren't ill at all I wouldn't have had an issue with them holding the baby. If you were super worried you could have said wash hands and no kissing. But every time you go shopping you'll be next to someone with a cold so I think you've needlessly upset them.

Oh bless you. I would have been very anxious and uncomfortable in this situation too. I’ve had similar experiences in the newborn phase and I hated the feeling of wanting to act to change the situation and being paralysed by my own awkwardness. My baby was born in 2020 so we decided not to pass baby round (when out of lockdown) but it still made some people upset. However, I was being totally reasonable and visitors do not have a right to hold your baby, whatever the circumstances. You did the right thing to hold onto your baby and it wasn’t worth risking your baby getting ill.

If it were me, I’d send a message to my friend saying something like:

”Hi Susan, it was lovely seeing you the other day. I have been quite worried since you left that I may have upset you by not offering you the chance to hold my baby. I was just a bit anxious after you mentioned your housemate has been unwell and I didn’t want to risk you potentially passing it onto my baby since they’re still so tiny. When you and your housemate are definitely well again, it would be great to see you another time.”

Congratulations on your new baby!! If it were me… I would have let her hold the baby for a quick cuddle so long as she washed her hands first. She wasn’t unwell and it’s February so just about everyone has been in contact with someone who has a cold… Including probably you guys if you leave the house to go to the shops or for midwife appointments.

However, the post natal period is anxiety inducing with the hormones and lack of sleep so I don’t blame you for being worried, even if it isn’t exactly rational. It’s also easy for me to say this because my winter baby was my second so with an older sibling at nursery it was obviously a losing battle and a friend with a sick housemate would have been the least of our worries. Your friend probably knows why you didn’t want her to hold the baby- you’re anxious new parents! And I’d really hope that your mum of all people gets this too. I would send the friend a text saying thanks again for the lovely gifts and say how nice it was to see her. Call your mum and invite her over. I don’t think you need to mention the lack of cuddles last time, I’m sure they get it.

Congratulations on your baby OP! Hope you are recovering well? I would have felt the exact same way as you. I was terribly worried about DS getting sick when he was small. But I was also stupidly nervous to assert myself and do things my way. DS ended up getting Covid at just 6 weeks old. If I am ever lucky enough to have baby number 2 I will be doing things my way and not afraid to say it. It's your precious little baby at the end of the day and you and your partner are their only advocates.
You were completely right in what you did. That person could very well already have the same illness as their housemate and not yet be showing symptoms. They were in the wrong, not you. You followed your motherly instinct and protected baby by keeping them close. Now the postpartum anxiety/worries/overthinking - whatever you want to call it - is catching up with you. Just remember you've done nothing wrong and don't owe anyone en explanation. No one is entitled to your baby and it's their problem if they're upset by it. I have never ever expected to hold someone's newborn, they are not there for other people's entertainment. Put it out of your mind and invite them round in another few weeks if you really want to. Going forward don't be afraid to ask in advance of visitors' arrival if they or any household members are ill and rearrange if so. Well done on doing what felt right for you and your baby.

Where I live most mothers won’t let hold their baby unless you’ve had a few vaccines such as whooping cough, diptheria and Covid and flu shots. I don’t blame them. A sick miserable baby is not a good thing and if people are put off by that, that’s too bad. You do what’s best for your baby. Your the mother and that’s that.