How and when do you start discussing marriage with DD?

[ElectricLegs]

Reading through MN there are many of us talking about marriage, or arguably more pertinently, the behaviour of men in marriage or partnership. There is much talk about experiences of abuse we have suffered, be it emotional, verbal, physical, financial or sexual. Much advice is also given on these subjects, presumably by wives/partners who have lived through one or more of the abuse scenarios. The solution suggested to most problems is to get rid of the man.

I wasn’t blessed with a DD, just one DS so am curious when do or did you start discussing with your DD the marriage experiences of yourself and others including the chance of abuse in a relationship?

Do you ever wish that you had lived alone throughout your adult life so far? What would you miss? Would you advise DD to do the same? Are there any good reasons to be married? Is marriage going to die out? Would we be better off in same gender relationships?

I'm single and a solo parent, my daughter is 6. She knows that some people get married and some don't, that marriages come in different combinations and she knows married couples so has asked questions.

I think the first conversation stemmed from the use of Ms/Mrs/Miss at preschool. I never deliberately introduced the topic, it just came up naturally in conversation. When I told her my parents used to be married she was completely surprised (as I have to say am I).

I've never married, never lived with a partner.

It’s good to talk about healthy relationships as soon as they start making friends. It’s good to learn how to deal with difficult friendship situations and what makes a good friend. By the time that they are dating, the basic principles still apply but you’ve got the added layer of having to discuss sex. My teen boys did not want to talk to me but were much more receptive at primary age. From secondary school onwards their friends and the Internet played a massive part. Luckily they are old enough to have missed the Andrew Tate sort of content until they were old enough to be less impressionable.

I just say to my kids "if you ever choose to get married.....if you ever choose to have kids....if you ever have a wife/husband or boyfriend/girlfriend (I say this to both sexes)"

I want them to know that the route I took isn't expected of them, they aren't obliged to give me grandchildren, they don't have to do what me and their dad did unless they want to.

I think you should be talking to your son about not being a dick and to call out his friends when they are disrespectful and entitled.

DD is 9. We discuss:

• who she can talk to if she is uncomfortable about anything - us but also teachers etc. I do my best to be calm in response to whatever she tells me, in the hope she will keep talking as she gets older
• how to treat people kindly but also how to assert yourself when needed
• different families e.g. single parent, 2 mums etc mainly as it comes up

We are married, so there is lots of modelling. We have a respectful relationship where we back each other up in front of the children (most of the time!). We model apologising when needed.

I guess when she is older, we will have more explicit conversations with her and DS.

Dd only six but I focus on building a self confident, well rounded person who will hopefully not be reliant on a man for her self worth. I read a thread the other day where op said something along the lines of 'i changed everything about myself when I married him'. I am hopefully not raising a young woman who would ever think like this

I can’t really imagine having the sort of conversation you’re describing with my dd (or my ds). Sorry it all sounds a bit bonkers! It’s not about marriage. It’s about self-esteem and healthy boundaries in all relationships. Lots of people have horrific relationships but aren’t married or really poor boundaries with dysfunctional family or friendships.

The main thing for me is modelling healthy relationship behaviour. So I don’t need to lecture them on it, because they see Dh and I having a good relationship. And they see me putting appropriate boundaries in place with other people in my life, calling people out on their poor behaviour, standing up for myself.

But I also talk to them when something happens in their lives. So a friend did this or a boy said that, and I help them to stand up for themselves, figure out how to handle in, how to stand up for a friend who isn’t being treated kindly, etc. They learn by doing.

I think you talk about healthy relationships from the very beginning. To boys as well as girls. My children have always known that their parents aren't married and many of their friends' parents are, so we talked about that too from the beginnng.

Thank you for some great answers.

I was lucky with DS. He is really nice to everyone. Just really chilled and relaxed if still a little shy. He is tall and good looking and I notice he gets plenty of attention on the rare occasion that we are out together, but he seems oblivious to it. He works hard in a well paid job and he puts his girlfriend first. It wasn't all sunshine and roses. He could be really difficult as a teenager, but fortunately just a brief phase.

I notice that I didn't get any response to my questions:

Do you ever wish that you had lived alone throughout your adult life so far? What would you miss? Would you advise DD to do the same? Are there any good reasons to be married? Is marriage going to die out? Would we be better off in same gender relationships?

I wonder if that means that those of us who have had kids are happier? There does seem to be a lot of unhappiness on MN. Hopefully things will improve soon for those who feel that life could be better for them.