6 yr old struggling with friends

[Dayfurrrrit]

I’m looking for advice from parents who have been there or from teachers who I’m sure have seen this before.

background: DD age 6 is in a v small school. Her year group is her and 4 boys. No major issues before, her friends are generally boys as thats how it’s been at school and with my friends kids/cousins. There are older and younger children in the class and quite a few girls in the year below (the same class).

issue: I don’t know if this is a girl/boy thing or just my DD but recently she’s been coming home a bit unhappy. Normal playground stuff where they play tag but she is disproportionately the catcher and if she says no they say ‘you can’t play with us’ or ‘I won’t invite you to my birthday party’. We’ve tried encouraging her to play with the year below or to say no to the boys etc explained they’re not being good friends. But she says she would rather be the catcher all the time then have no friends. She’s scared if she says no they won’t play with her and if she tries to play with others they also will say no we don’t want to be your friend.

I don’t really know where to go from here, it’s not a massive deal at the moment but her inability to stand up for herself in friendships and her fear that no one will be her friend does worry me for the future. I’m looking for ways to help her with her confidence/ ability to stand up for herself. For what it’s worth she does lots of out of school clubs and has some friendships there (although they took a long time to build). She has no problem standing up to her younger sister or being assertive at home!

She has never been one to make friends easily, I personally think she struggles with understanding social cues but don’t know if that’s just age related. she seems quite naive, ie. If a child says something that’s clearly not true she believes them because they’ve said it. For example a kid said their dad can run as fast a motorcycle and she believes this but I don’t know if that’s normal for a 6 yr old. School report no concerns (we are not in the Uk) but we haven’t spoken to them since October at parents meeting.

any advice on how to help her? Thanks in advance!

Is moving schools a possibility? It sounds like she’d really benefit from a bigger school, bigger friendship pool and especially girls her own age. We moved DD at 7 because her school was too small, although it still sounds bigger than yours, and she’s so happy now because she has a choice of who to play with rather than being in a like it or lump it situation with the small handful of girls and the only alternative is playing football with the boys.

I'd move house if I had to to enable her to go to another school. There's just not enough children for her to find friends.

Both of my DDs had a very best friend who was a boy and then a wider friendship group through primary school so it's not that I think it's a boy girl issue particularly.

Thank you both for your replies, it’s good to hear from other experiences.

She can move schools, I think it would be quite easy but I’d still see the school year out as we will have to move our younger DD too. It’s always been in the back of our minds that we would do that if the school felt too small, we’ve just really loved it other than this. Plus love being able to walk them etc. But there have been a couple of other issues like with staffing that’s making us think about moving them anyways. I guess my worry is this will happen again somewhere else. She is not stereotypically ‘girly’. Has a wide range of interests, she loves football (but it’s been recently banned at school) and all sports plus drawing, science, etc. So a wide range interests.

That’s exactly how I felt when we were looking for a nursery/Reception place, small and nurturing seemed perfect and I prioritised walking distance. But actually it was outgrown pretty quickly. Your DD sounds a lol like mine in terms of interests. We didn’t know she was sporty when she was 3 so didn’t give it much thought but actually the old school was rubbish for sports, especially girls sports because the year group was boy heavy. At the new school they have amazing sports facilities and play regular fixtures because there are enough girls to form teams. There’s an art club which the old school didn’t have. And most importantly a wide range of girls with a wide range of interests!

Thanks @InTheRainOnATrain for your input. Yes I think we may need to start thinking more seriously about moving, have a look at the possible options and see how things progress. Tbh other DD is the only girl to 9 boys in her year, but very happily plays with girls in other years and in general happily moves around friends, but she’s also only 4 so she will no doubt benefit from a bigger friendship pool soon anyway.

Children don't really 'know' how to play automatically ( and how to stand up for themselves) if not shown.
Do you and dh play with kids in your garden or park? Ball games, Frisby etc.
I know she'd obviously be with friends but literally this is where you could start.
Whole fields of study on 'science of play'
Youtube videos/studies/Ted talks/books

You say 'shes a bit naive?' Are you interacting with her in an engaging way- you should be able to gage her development / confidence from what she's picking up. - its just as important to teach her stuff at home as school.

Dose she do activities where she'd meet more people outside of the school pool?

Something like guides with in built structure ? Or take her further afield to a park where they have playworkers who's job it is to socialise kids through interactive sessions.

Don't look at it as a 'her' problem, give her support to build her confidence.
And being out numbered by boys sounds a bit intimidating even for a tom boy.

I'm another who thinks she'd benefit from a bigger school, as well as having some female friends too. I think unfortunately some children can get pushed out of the group, but hopefully it's a very short phase and it may be easier to do it to her as she's the only girl. But in general I think that school just seems far too small, especially as she gets older.