I’m worried my marriage won’t survive parenting

[LGBTMamma]

I am Mum no2 of a beautiful and healthy baby girl. My wife was pregnant and birthed our daughter in December so we are still very new and trying to find what fits for us.

I’m worried that my marriage is suffering now. I was never under any illusion that it would be the same but I didn’t realise just how tough it could be! Since our baby has been born, my wife has devoted every ounce of herself to my daughter. She is EBF and I know this takes a lot out of her. I feel like sometimes it wouldn’t even matter if I wasn’t here anymore.

Everyday I am on the receiving end of some nasty looks directed my way, a huff and puff if I dare to make a noise when the baby is feeding to sleep. God forbid I go into our bedroom when the baby is asleep it’s the end of the world and I am on the receiving end of dirty looks and silent treatment all evening.

My wife also gets serious anxiety if I try to spend any 1-1 time with our daughter. I have yet to take her out a walk in the pram by myself, I can’t take her into a different room to spend time with her. My wife says she just
gets serious anxiety being away from the baby which I get but at the same time it feels rubbish. This isn’t how I ever envisioned becoming a parent at all.

My wife is very sociable, spends a lot of time with her mum and her friends, takes the baby to baby classes. Meanwhile I don’t get a look in, can’t make plans for me to take the baby to classes or to see my family.

I’m trying to be as supportive as I can. It’s hard. I have to work full time. I take care of most of the household chores. I am also a carer for my Mum who I have to round to see every evening. I fear my wife may have PND but she refuses to mention anything about it to any healthcare professionals. She will admit to feeling more anxious lately.

I feel like she doesn’t trust me to be a parent. I took a lot longer to come round to the idea of having a baby but now I do I love my daughter more than anything in the world. I just feel so unhappy at the moment.

This sounds very tough. Firstly, having a baby tends to throw a bit of a hand grenade into a lot of marriages, so you're not alone and the good news is, that is often gets better with time.

I exclusively breastfed my two and I sort of identify with the glaring looks if someone disturbs the baby, especially in the early months. Feeding the baby and getting them settled is a full-time job in the early months and sleep and rest take on a whole new importance. I've cried about being accidentally woken or similar! Exhaustion does crazy things to a person and if you heap a load I post birth hormones on top of that, it often makes for a moody combo! This got a lot better once we managed to get a less frequent feeding schedule and sleep became more routine and reliable.

I think the area i’d focus on is your lack of involvement. I do empathise with your wife regards anxiety over being parted from the baby, I have definitely get similar, but if say it's quite extreme not letting you even have some alone time with the baby in your own house! You should be able to enjoy those newborn cuddles too and get a chance to bond. My advice would be to champion your wife's breastfeeding efforts, but also be honest in communicating how pushed out you feel. You're both parents to your baby and she needs to include you more and allow you to parent.

This gives me hope, thank you. My wife is the most wonderful person. I fell in love with her the first time I ever met her and she is the most amazing Mum. I’m in awe of her. I’m happy to hear it isn’t going to be like this forever. Rationally I know she will have a lot of hormones and stuff, my sisters have all had babies and I was heavily involved with them so was on the receiving end of their emotions too but seemed to hurt a lot less than it does now.

i miss my baby, I feel like a mother who can’t have her child. I don’t want to push this more and upset her further but you’re right. I need to try and be her champion more. There is a local breastfeeding group in our local area, I might see if she would like to go to that with me and we can chat to other parents to see how they manage things.

thanks for your response.

Congratulations on your new baby OP.

I echo what @WinterSun20 said, and empathise a with your wife in terms of being annoyed if someone makes a noise while the baby is sleeping, and feeling anxious about other people looking after the baby. I also wouldn’t expect you to be taking the baby to classes etc at such a young age - for me personally that would be too much separation. But your wife’s anxiety does sound extreme in terms of not letting you look after the baby in another room.

I suggest you continue to support your wife and help her work out some of her more extreme feelings. But you also need to try not to catastrophise too much just yet about how things are - it’s really early days. And see if there’s anything you can do to build up your wife’s trust in you as a parent. It probably feels to you like you shouldn’t have to do that because of course you are the parent, but while your wife is still so anxious I think you need to take baby steps (no pun intended!). At least, that’s what worked for my anxiety. Also, depending on your baby’s personality, it might take them a while to feel comforted by you, when they’re so used to your wife.

My eldest DC is nearly 3 and I still don’t love it if family members take her out of the house when it’s just one of them (fine if it’s eg 2 grandparents - I just appreciate the extra eyes and hands!), but now I’m absolutely delighted when DH takes her out, or even away overnight.

I’m sure you’ll get there 🙂

you sound like a lovely partner. I suffered with postnatal anxiety and so sympathise with your partner too.
did you never talk about what your role would be? Ie my partner did baths and all nappy changes when home. It’s reasonable to want a role so you can bond with your baby.

I guess if I’m being entirely honest, I’m feeling rejected. I’m a first time Mum too and not getting to experience these things is making me feel less like a mother.

I wouldn’t dare mention this to her, I know she cares about me and would hear me if I spoke to her about it but she’d carry that for days on end and push herself out of her comfort zone before she’s ready and I know her and I know that she would allow herself to feel awful for days and weeks about this when I don’t want that. I just want some time to actually feel like my baby’s mum

Thank you for your comments, we will get there. I’m not heading for divorce I’d never want to leave her, I’ve just spent another night on the couch so that they baby can safely come into the bed and have extra room and feeling extra sensitive this morning.

The problem is, I’m out the house a lot for work so at weekends etc I do tend to do most of the nappy changes which I’m happy to do. I also do bath time but normally this entails my wife hanging around the bathroom and dipping in and out. I’m fine with this. The baby enjoys the bath so that’s a nice time and I fully believe she should have some nice times with the baby too aside from purely breastfeeding and comforting the baby.

I hate that she’s feeling so awful. I wish she’d let me help 😔

You sound absolutely lovely and she sounds really selfish
I know it’s not what you want but if you got and you got 50/50 she would have to buck up her ideas about ‘letting’ you actually be a mother to your baby.

Awww, OP, I really feel for you.

Just a thought, but do you go out for walks together as a family? Could you carry your baby in a sling/carrier to give you some cuddle time, and it might be easier to discuss things with your wife while walking outside too?

I hope you have other support IRL x