4 Year Old Development

[Zestywesty]

My son was 4 in November. He attends a pre school for half a week.
He had a speech delay due to glue ear (all now sorted and speech therapy has got his speech to where it needs to be). Just started to wear glasses as he is very slightly far sighted.

He's an only child and we don't have any friends or family nearby so it's just him, me and his dad (my husband!) most of the time.

Pre school have created a My Support Plan for him. Broadly, his fine motor skills are weak, they find some of his gross motor skills to be behind (can't hop or balance on 1 leg), some of his social skills are behind (he doesn't initiate or lead play) and his lacks focus and concentration.

It's a pretty bleak picture. He's a lovely, happy, bright little chap, sleeps well, great sense of humour and his vocabulary is amazing. He loves playing and is very sociable.

I feel a bit dazed by it all to be honest. His pre school are great, very supportive and understanding. I just feel like I'm not doing the right things to help him develop.

He starts school in Sept and I feel like I now need to be a pre school at home to help him get to where he needs to be.

He is fully toilet trained, can dress himself, eats well (if a bit of a picky eater), and can use a knife, fork and spoon. Doesn't like drinking without a lid but can do it. Is sensitive to loud noises.

We do loads together, reading, days out, long walks, scooting, going to the park, museums, shopping, board games, playing with cars/trains etc. He doesn't like arts and crafts bit will do a bit of colouring, drawing, play dough.

Where am I going wrong? What else do you all do? I feel a bit lost. I've got lots of ideas from the MSP to do with him but I worry it won't be enough.

Aw OP, I'm no development expert so I can't offer much insight there but I also have a 4 year old and your little boy sounds amazing!

Just read your post back. He eats, sleeps, is bright, happy, talkative, toilet trained, independent - you do lovely things together and you clearly love him and want the best for him. You're doing great!

Work with the preschool, and school when he starts, who knows what challenges he will or won't face (like all 4 year olds!) but it's so easy to beat yourself up when you're clearly a wonderful mum to a wonderful boy. Give yourself a break!

My daughter started school at 4 and a few weeks in September and the difference between then and now is huge.
Some of her gross motor skills were slightly behind. She's short and reaches some of those milestones with her dress size rather than her age. When she started school she had only just moved into 2-3 clothes!
The progress they can make in 6 months at this age is huge! Also, the right school will help them develop the skills they need to develop. It would be unusual to have a full class of 4-5 year olds where they are all on target in every area! So I wouldn't be fretting just yet about school as so much can change in that time especially with joined up support at home and at nursery. My daughter had a speech delay at 2 and switching nursery and support at home made a huge difference
Have you had your ready for school assessment yet? Have you spoken to your HV?

@hentheeighth thank you so much for your reassurance! I feel lost sometimes, wondering whether I'm doing the right things and enough of them. This report has knocked me for six a bit.

I feel myself tensing up as we're playing, wondering if I'm saying the right things to stretch him and what else we could be doing. I'm trying to relax as I'm not an early years practioner, I'm a mum, but it's not easy!

@Superscientist I've had very little contact with the HV service from his birth. Except for them to tell me nothing was wrong with his speech when it clearly was! His pre school is excellent so I'm not worried about support in that area, it's more I feel like I haven't done enough or maybe haven't done the right things which is why he is behind in some areas.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong! He sounds lovely.

All you can do is give him plenty of opportunities to develop at his own pace, encouraging running and jumping games etc. If there’s a child he likes at nursery you could possibly invite that child (and their mum?) round to play and gently encourage them playing together, but you can’t force it. He'll do it when he’s ready.

@Miffylou thank you, that's very kind. He does love playing with other children and has friends at pre school but they are saying he doesn't lead the play or initiate it - he follows. We have had a couple of play dates but a lot of the children are at pre school full time so it's tricky!

Interestingly, when.we are at a soft play/park he does initiate play and lead it and is great at introducing himself to othet children and making friends. A lot of the feedback seems to be he doesn't do these things in a school setting but I'm not sure how to help with that!

It's great that they are feeding back but in my experience, they are expecting more than most pre schools would. Is this a pre school leading to a private school? I would just focus on improving the skills, play with play dough, go to the park and work on gross skills maybe join a pre school gymnastics class if there are any near you, draw a hop sketch in your garden. It sounds like he's doing great.

@Seedorganisation thank you for replying.
It's not a private school pre school but it is outstanding and has a great reputation for the care and support it offers.

I have read lots of anecdotal information about how ready other children are for school and their development and I thought we were doing well in terms of the soft skills - ie getting dressed, eating with cutlery, toilet trained, turn taking, tidying up etc. So this has been a bit of a shock and it's reassuring the read you think they are expecting quite a lot.

I'll keep working with them and supporting him in every way I can but I really just want to enjoy these last few months before school and not be burdened with worry that he is behind!

I really wouldn't worry about it at all. Even if it were true (and it doesn’t seem to be, all the time), so what? Not everyone needs to be the one to initiate or lead play! Children, just like adults, have differing personalities.

As an ex-primary school teacher I can say I would have been absolutely delighted to have your son in my Reception class!

He's still very young but sounds a bit like mine at that age, who was much later diagnosed with ASD and dyspraxia. Dyspraxia might explain his difficulties with motor skills, it's just something to keep in mind as he gets older. If he struggles with knife and fork/hand writing/tying shoelaces/riding a bike then that would suggest it's worth getting him assessed. DS used to ride a bike just fine then all of a sudden every now and then he'd go 'zonk' on the floor.

If you do suspect dyspraxia (school are not at all good at picking it up IME) the two things I'd recommend as he gets older (or to any child really) are swimming lessons and piano lessons. These really help with strength and coordination IMO.

DS suffered with glue ear, it's common in children with ASD I think and even as he got older his hearing would come and go if he got a cold. It was really important for him to be sat near the front of class because he couldn't hear well at times and also because he couldn't filter out any distractions. DS was also sensitive to loud noises, it was one of the things that was noticed when he was observed at school by a lady from SEND, her report led to his being assessed and diagnosed.

I wouldn't describe it as a bleak picture though! Your son is happy, bright kid. What more can any parent wish for? You do loads with him, keep doing it, follow and encourage his interests. It sounds like you're really doing great. My DS is a young adult now and working as a software engineer. He loves it.

You can't! It's just what they've noticed, I wouldn't worry about it. Not every child has to be a leader all the time - or any of the time if they don't want to. There may be kids there with big personalities who tend to lead the play because of that. It's ok to be a quieter child who enjoys joining in other people's games.

@Gemma893 and @Miffylou thank you both! It's great to talk to other parents about it all, it really helps with the bigger picture. I feel like I can take a breath and just keep going with what we're doing.

@Gemma893 thats really interesting about your son. I hadn't considered that bit it's something to be aware of as he gets older. Thank you.

As others have said, hold onto this:
He's a lovely, happy, bright little chap, sleeps well, great sense of humour and his vocabulary is amazing. He loves playing and is very sociable It's not bleak!

It's also not surprising that some of his skills are behind given that he's not been able to see or hear fully for most of his life. IMO just things like soft play/the park are the best for improving gross motor skills.

You can also get balance beams and stepping stones which I like to use to make obstacle courses at home.

Re the social side - are most of the kids full time? I do think there can be a split whereby the full time kids are more central and the PT kids are a bit on the outskirts. Not saying you should necessarily send him full time as time at home with you is obviously valuable too.

It's also great that he has another 8 months to develop before starting school, and has support in place at pre school. He sounds fab!

Thank you @RosePosse. The picture they paint of him is bleak and such a contrast to what I feel I see. Thats why it was a shock to read it so bluntly written down.

We have the stepping stones! He loves them. We do loads of running, climbing and jumping too at parks and a local softplay or 2.

It's really cheered me up to have such support on here and you're right, I must keep focus on all the positives while encouraging the areas that need a bit more help.

If your son is delayed it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or not done enough of certain activities. Teachers won't be judging you if he starts school and doesn't tick all the school readiness boxes. I do think it might be good to get a referral to the community paediatrician, physio and OT if you haven't already done that to look into the underlying causes but it doesn't sound like he will necessarily struggle at school with the right support.

It’s normal to feel like you’re not doing enough as a parent if your child has delays, but it sounds as though he’s doing great. A lot of motor skills can be affected by hearing loss and speech delay. At 4 they’re only just starting to initiate social interaction, give it time. Otherwise he just might be a more passive personality.

Just to add, the school should absolutely not be ‘painting a bleak picture’ as in being overtly negative to you as the parent. A support plan meeting should be both realistic and positive. All children, even the profoundly disabled can be supported in an educational setting and for it to be a positive relationship between parents and school.

Teacher here, there's no ticklist for school readiness, just things that would be helpful if they can do, which will differ slightly from teacher to teacher. From what you've said I'd be delighted to have your DS in my reception class!

They do make a lot of progress quite quickly in reception, they'll do fine and gross motor skills and activities every day and it all makes a difference even if only 5mins a day.

I'd continue supporting his gross motor skills - get him some stilts and/or a skipping rope, get him to climb up the slide (when noone is coming down, obviously), dig in the sand pit or mudpit, build with low level soft play, swing and hang at the park, swim - climb out the poolside etc etc. Arrange playdates with nursery friends - at the park, at home, wherever.

But really - I'd just enjoy your last few months of freedom and nursery years, doing things you love together.

He is doing well is many areas so you should be proud. My very intelligent daughter had a gross motor delay, we took her to sports classes (helped with following instructions and focus too) but it was just on her own timeline really. She is fine now but not amazing at sport but has one very niche sport she competes in and can swim and rike a bike. Fine motor just carry on offering only drinks without lids when at home, it's great he uses a knife and fork well, offer lots of arts with pencils, paint brushes etc. crafts with small items to stick on. Learning Resources sell some great fine motor activities. Remember pre-school have picked up what he needs to work on and will be doing a lot with him too so the pressure is not all on you.

Thank you all.

I don't think he has many gross motor skills issues to worry about - he runs, climbs, jumps, rarely falls or trips and is really fit - got the hang of his scooter quickly as well. But pre school do - as he can't yet hop or balance well on 1 leg. He's a big boy, 98th percentile for height and weight and was late to jumping and fairly late to walking so I think it will all come but they have concerns.

My husband is in education and has written hundreds (literally!) of support plans and thought this one was very negative and blunt. It jars with how the pre school are as they are so supportive and lovely in real life.

I've discussed it further with them and they are reassuring me it's just to get support in place if he needs it and it's to help his transition to school. I get it, I support them fully, but such a different picture to the son I see at home. I work in operations and am fairly pragmatic and objective so I don't think it's rose-tinted glasses from me. I have gone over each point with my husband and we've been surprised at so much of it.

Thank you all for the support and advice. I think we will continue to do what we do, have fun and gently support his areas of development that need it. And try not to worry about the areas we seem to differ with the pre school about!

Lot of contradictions in your post

Poor fine motor skills but uses a knife and fork well??

He sounds like he's doing well to me

Plus let's face it, when does anyone ever hop in real life?

Hi, just wondering how your son is doing now? He sounds similar to my son who has just turned 4.

Hi @SW100
My son is now in Reception and we've just had his first parents evening.

It's a totally different picture now. By the end of the year at pre school his My Support Plan was out of date as he made such good progress. Primary school have no concerns at all, he's settled well and is super happy.

How is your son?

That’s good to hear.

He’s just turned 4 and they’re just saying that they think he’s around 6 months behind on a lot of things. He is hypermobile like me so his gross motor skills are always a bit behind. He also has zero interest in drawing so still at the scribble stage with that. They said he struggles to reengage with a task once he gets distracted and to follow any more than a two step instruction.

By the time he starts reception he will be almost 5 so I’m hoping he catches up soon.