How has your experience as a child shaped how you parent?

[BeetleBear]

For example, growing up I never heard my father apologise for behaving unfairly and poorly. I’m not a parent yet but something I value with my partner is that we always apologise to each other. I know I will want to model apology when I do have a child. It’s something I value due to my (otherwise happy) childhood and experiencing the confusion and frustration of having a non-apologetic father.

So I’m curious - what parental behaviours did you experience as a child that have shaped the way you parent/your relationship with your partner? What do you value as a result of experiences when you were young?

I think most generations aim to do a better job than the generation before. My Mum was distant but I suspect ASD and my Dad was not as emotionally involved as my DH and I are as parents or as involved in education. But I know my Dad’s parenting was way better than the DV upbringing and poverty he experienced.

I agree with @Organisedwannabe

My DM was emotionally and verbally abusive and neglectful. HOWEVER she was not (for the most part) physically abusive. She grew up with violence and neglect being the norm, and swore to not put her kids through the same.

Now, I overthink everything and have read books and gone to therapy to make sure I don't inflict any of what I experienced growing up on DS. That being said, as hard as I try in 20 years I'm sure DS will find something to blame me for, and try and change for the next generation!

Sort of. I changed schools several times as my DM changed jobs as she got promoted. I started secondary school with a bald patch where I'd pulled my hair out.

When the time came and my career was getting in the way of being a mum I chose to become a SAHM and later work around school hours so that they wouldn't have the same.

My mother was a narcissist who controlled my life even after I married and left home. I was never hugged or told I was loved.
I basically took her parenting model and did the complete opposite with my children.

My mum is amazing and we are so close. But growing up she put herself down all the time and lacked positivity. This made me very negative about my own appearance and capability's. I have had therapy and I am so much better now. And I make a point of not putting myself down or anyone else down.

She was also very over protective, which made me shy and scared to do anything. I encourage my kids to put themselves out of their comfort zones and they are much more confident.

My mum never hugged me or told me she loved me. I hug my kids every day and tell them I love them. My mum never supported me and I have multiple memories of her saying "I don't have time for you right now" I make sure to pause the chores I'm doing if my kids say they need me. I was smacked, obviously I don't smack. I could go on and on. Basically my parents gave me an education in how not to parent.

Oh and my parents taught me as a woman I should get married have kids put up with whatever my husband does and still do all housework etc etc. Fuck that. My reality is I do everything as I have a disabled child bf am a single parent but I make sure my dd knows I do it because I'm a parent not because I'm a woman and my ds is being taught chores as much as dd. He does more housework that his useless father did at age 8!

I was also told never to speak out or put myself forward as my mother said I would appear bold.
I've suffered my entire life from low self esteem and lack of confidence so am beyond rubbish at interviews and social situations.
I made sure my children were confident and not afraid to speak out

My parents weren't perfect but nothing bad stands out so I just try and do my best like they do, parents are human and will never get it 100% right

What I've learned Way too late in life, is that some family's (like mine) pigeon hole children at a very early age. And it's often helpful.

I was designated the "intelligent" child, my sibling as the " pretty child".

Of course i grew up thinking I was bright, but ugly, my sibling thinking they were pretty but thick.

Neither is true of either of us. I think I recognised this when I was 12/13 or so, and hated this pigeon holing.

I saw my sibling doing the same with her two children. One was an easy child, one was difficult. The same pattern has repeated itself with her four grand children.

I sometimes wonder if this is, subconsciously the reason I only had one child?

My parents would do literally anything for me, it's been so good as a child and as an adult to know that someone is "in my corner" so I've always tried to do the same for my kids.

My mother had an anxiety disorder and as such was very controlling. I was allowed a lot less freedom than all my friends - early curfews, father always sent out to collect me when I was out, no boyfriends (and hell to pay when she found out).

I was a pretty square kid at the time but she carried on like I was hanging around with a load of rapey drug dealers and not the computer science club at the all girls convent grammar school. I wasn’t even allowed to go on school trips if they were overnight.

With my own children my default is yes, unless there is a good reason to say no. As a result they are much more confident and independent as young adults. They always knew I’d pick them up if they wanted me to, but if they wanted to come home later that was fine too. They knew I’d always have their backs, and would want them to go and explore, rather than forbid them or try to get them not to go somewhere. My mother used to tell me I looked tired or ill in an attempt to get me to stay home where I was ‘safe’.

I still have FOG. I’m a people pleaser and have poor boundaries because my natural inclination is to keep the peace rather than assert my own needs and wants. I watch my own children (19 and 16) happily articulate their own preferences and priorities and I am proud they are confident doing that.

My parents had very loud shouting matches (never physical towards each other but sometimes door slamming and side banging). I grew up thinking that shouting was the way to handle conflict and a normal part of relationships. It took til my mid-twenties to realise that actually it’s not ok to be shouted at aggressively by someone you are in a relationship with, nor to shout at them. I’ve done quite a lot of work I think, on being better at dealing with conflict in a calmer more constructive way. I’m really happy in my relationship and the way we have figured this out together, and hope that we can model better conflict-resolution to our future children.

another thing was they couldnt handle how me and my sibling were fussy with food as young kids. They saw it as defiance from us and would get really angry, whereas I have very clear memories of it and it was definitely a sensory thing for me which I eventually grew out of. My mum has acknowledged that they didn’t handle it well and she has regrets (left at the table for hours and hours until we finished our food, one one unfortunate evening when a plate of food got thrown up the kitchen wall in anger). I don’t have any resentment towards them for it - it was a different time and they didn’t have the information and resources that we have now. But it’s something I would try to deal with differently if it came up.

Shouting, mainly. My mum shouted all the time and now, as a parent, I can see that we were so scared of her that we were NO trouble at all.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've shouted at my dds in the last 20 years.

Also, modelling and teaching emotional regulation. And listening. And being a consistent emotional presence.

I was abused, witnessed violence, punished for my undiagnosed ND condition, and financially deprived. I was also brow-beaten about not conforming to my parents political and religious beliefs.

my parenting is pretty much the exact opposite. I aim for calm in my home at all times. I have a tendency to spoil my child financially that I have to fight against. We have raised her to have her own beliefs and to engage us in healthy debate about any issue she wishes. I make sure she gets plenty of support for her neurodiversity and anyone who dares even criticize her for being different has no deal with me.

so basically, in most things I ask what my parents would have done and do the opposite.

they got two things right. They valued education and they spoke to us like adults instead of using simplified language. Those I carried on.

I think my parents were good parents so I don't think I've shaped my parenting particularly to be the opposite, but there are a few things I'm conscious that I've done because of the way they raised me.

1. I went to a school a decent distance from home and spent 3 hours every day travelling from age 10 to 18. I've prioritised my kids going to school walking distance from home.

2. I've stayed in work after having kids. We could have afforded for me to be a SAHM but I watched my mother give up her whole self to care for us while my dad worked 6 days a week building his business. He provided financially but that was his only contribution to the family and he was largely absent. She tried to go back to work when my youngest sibling was about 7 or 8 but she couldn't make it work and had no support from my dad. I was about 14 and remember thinking I would never land myself in that situation.

I was fortunate. My parents encouraged thinking discussions and independence. They made me feel I could do anything. My mum always worked and made sure I never relied on a man. I've done the same with my children. I wanted to replicate what I had.. My children are lovely, independent and adventurous.