Struggling with 4yo

[RedRobyn2021]

My DD is only just 4yo but she has been incredibly hard work since she turned 3

We recently had a second baby 6 weeks ago, this has made things harder for us but to be honest a lot of her behaviour was the exact same months before the baby was born. So although I think it been a big adjustment for her I also think the baby isn't the cause (although perhaps has exacerbated things)

Be honest with me, is this just how 3&4yo's behave and I just have to grin and bear it or is there somewhere we're going wrong?

Everything is a battle. Every morning trying to get her to get dressed for preschool (which she loves) brush teeth, have a wee etc every little thing is a nightmare and I resort to threats e.g. "we won't do xyz if you don't brush your teeth" which I don't like doing and isn't the way I want to parent but I don't know what else to do

Unsurprisingly it's the same at bedtime as well, once she's ready for bed it's calm, we read together and have a cuddle, she goes to sleep but getting in PJs/teeth/toilet it's constantly "it's time to get ready for bed, please can we put PJs on"

She's very loud, to the point where it's giving me a sore head

She's always asking for chocolate and when I say no dinner will be ready soon or it's breakfast, it's not the time for chocolate, she screams at me

She does things like jump all over the bed almost landing on the baby. I have said a million times to stop doing this, I've explained why, I've threatened, I've removed her from the room.. still it carries on

I think the problem is that the majority of the time she won't do what I ask and I have lost all patience with her. I just don't know how to connect with her anymore because she doesn't care if I'm at the end of my tether she just cares that she doesn't want to get dressed because she's busy playing or she's enjoying jumping on the bed

Myself in particular is very sleep deprived but DP obviously thinks things are worse for him because rolling over and going back to sleep is a hardship. So this is making everything harder; we are both miserable. Our relationship isn't great at the moment and DD being so difficult constantly is making it worse

Please, words of wisdom? Kind advice? Is anyone else in this at the moment? Everything is just hard at the moment.

We've had feeding problems with baby and I'm pumping and bottle feeding as well as bf and it's just all taking over.

Hi @RedRobyn2021 - sorry you're having such a tough time of it! Sounds very full on.

I think firstly, try to separate the issues.

If you and DH aren't in a good place, that is not on your 4 year old child. It is on you guys to try to communicate and make positive changes.

If the baby is struggling to feed/sleep, again this is not on your 4 year old. How's your HV or midwife, would the be supportive of you got in touch and asked for advice or said you are struggling?

Now to the 4 year old. I think for us 4 was one of the hardest ages (we have a 5 year old, only child) The energy, the persistence, it's... A lot 😬 Basically the stamina of a full on little kid but still with the logic / reasoning skills of a toddler. It gets better though, honest!

Some things that worked for us...

Don't ask, tell. Asking leaves room for manoeuvre! Simple, short explanations, acknowledge their upsets but no long rambling about feelings, especially not when they're upset. Even now my son won't want to talk about things in the moment or right after, but he'll often open up in quiet "in between" moments, like when he's on the loo or in the bath etc.

We had a positivity jar - they put a marble in when something positive happens, like they were kind to the baby or got dressed without fuss or you all had a nice dinner together. Start small, set them up for success then build on it gradually. Small bursts of quality "floor time" playing with her.

A solid routine if possible. Maybe even a visual time table so she knows what to expect? Timers, countdowns etc but in terms she'll understand. My son still has no concept of time, 5 minutes means nothing to him but 1 more episode or "2 more scenes in our game, then we tidy up" works better as he knows what's what.

The weather won't be helping either I bet! We're out in most weathers, but let's be honest, after weeks of damp cold days it's a bit of a drag. When the evenings are lighter and it's a bit brighter, getting out will be easier and that will likely help everyone.