Parenting a strong willed child

[Horsefall]

Dd is 4.5. Has always been high energy, risk taking, boundary pushing personality. Super strong willed.

more recently she is becoming more defiant and I am starting to struggle. Up until now I put it down to toddler tantrums, threenager etc. but now she is 4.5 it feels like things should be getting easier?

she will never do something first time she’s asked, she’s always trying to think one step ahead like mental gymnastics to ensure she’s in control, she is rude and cheeky at times, sometimes physical hitting etc, will push every boundary she’s given, is often just outright defiant and will do the opposite of what is asked.

we’ve tried consequences, time out step, toys put away,giving choices, treats fr good behaviour, reward charts. I’m not sure what else to do. I love her so much I just want to enjoy my time with her but I’m finding it so hard. She gets plenty of attention and has a loving secure home.

She is an angel at school and very compliant apparently.

Anyone parented a strong willed child and have any tips on managing behaviour?

I have no advice except for pick your battles. Some things I just let go over my head now because it’s not worth the conflict. My son got a lot easier after 5, 4 was the worst for us.

Our boy was very strong willed at that age, still is! We found anything combative didn’t work and only escalated the situation. The naughty step was a disaster and usually ended up in a slanging match! I found telling him quietly that I was disappointed and then withdrawing attention until he did something good worked better. And we read the book about Love Bombing by Oliver James really useful. It theorises that children’s behaviour improves if you spend quality time with them, letting them choose what to do for the day sometimes. Good luck!

I agree with pick your battles. Also the language you use can be powerful. So rather than put your toys away now you say do you want to put away the Lego or the cars first. I think lots of children use up their good behaviour at school and then can be foul at h9me where they feel safe.
It will get better with age as they get used to school.

Pick your battles is one of the best things I learned from my mum.

Besides that; the only advice is to keep her included. I don't have children but I was a nanny to two boys. The older one was very very intelligent but struggled with his emotions and had a younger brother which brought on extra issues. Praise worked but anger didn't. Making a conscious effort to give him attention, regardless of what else i needed to do also helped. I made a big point to explain what we were doing (or even what I was doing) and when. Even the boring things like "we need to go down 5 flights of stairs to take out the rubbish later" or "oh I have to do the dishes later but let's play for a bit first". He was more prepared and less argumentative when I kept him informed.

His favourite thing ended up being cooking. While his 2 year old brother was glued to the 15 minutes of "tv " on the laptop, I'd invite him into the kitchen to help. Sometimes he would be glued to the tv (and I let that go), most times he came in and as I got ingredients out I explained what they were for, invited him to smell things, let him help with measuring. I explained cooking as if it were magic and he really absorbed it. Making a conscious effort to speak to him and include him worked wonders for helping him stay calm.