Child has trouble controlling emotions - advice needed

[Ledger]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some advice on my nearly 4-year-old son. He’s incredibly clever, not just a "proud dad" saying that, but his nursery has mentioned that his vocabulary and intelligence is incredibly advanced for his age. They expect him to excel when he starts Year 1, as the focus will shift more towards learning-based activities. He communicates really well with adults and can pick up social cues, but he struggles with free play at nursery.

For example, he loves building detailed train tracks at nursery where the teachers at nursery say they are in awe, but if another child puts a toy on it or changes something, he gets really upset, sometimes to the point where the other kids back away. The nursery has said that he tries to get involved in friendship groups, but the other kids sometimes back away due to his outbursts. At this age, it is where the children apparently start to form little groups of friends, and I'm worried that his behaviour will isolate him.

They also mention that he thrives in structured activities, follows instructions well, and enjoys group tasks. But during unstructured play, he has trouble adapting and gets frustrated when things don’t go as planned.

Everything for him is competitive. He always wants to be the first child in line and the quickest to put his coat on. They have said that some days, he copes well, and nothing phases him, but other days, he really struggles.

The nursery wants to help build his tolerance levels, and I’d love to support him at home too. Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this something he’s likely to grow out of as he gets older? Any tips for helping him adapt to unpredictable play and improve his social interactions?

Having done a lot of research into this, i've seen that having trouble controlling emotions like that could possibly be a sign of autism. However I don't see any other signs when it comes to any other aspects of his life. He can hold a conversation with anyone, he's funny, can pick up on social cues etc. I know that the spectrum is complex so it may be a little naïve of me to ask this question but I was wondering if any others parents have gone through this stage and whether it would be considered 'neurotypical' ?

Thanks in advance!

I’d assume he was autistic

It’s also a sign of ADHD

I would also assume ND. This is some thing you need to explore.

Next her needs some pyschoeducation, learning how to recognise when he is experiencing different emotions and coping strategies for each emotion.

The other questions to ask are about how much child interaction he has had - if he communicates well with adults because he has a lot of adults in his life but has y much experience of playing with children he maybes hasn't learnt how to

Adults do tend to let a child have their way - rarely challenge a child at play so perhaps he has just got used to having his own way in certain set ups like play

Depends how long he been at nursery and for how many hours / days a week

The difficulty when another child adds or changes something in his train set up and trouble when things don't go as planned during free play would also fit with neurodivergence, particularly autism. Equally, as @wherearemypastnames says, it could be lack of practice – even children a couple of years older will often give way to or work round the quirks of the younger child. Either way, it's good that nursery have noticed he's having more difficulty with it than is typical and are putting support in place.

For unpredictable play and adapting round others, I think you can support this at home – if you're building a train track together or playing pretend or whatever, just gently start to add in your own ideas, rather than letting it all be led by him. Depending on what he likes, you could also try acting out scenarios with toys, where teddy has to make all the decisions about how they play, so then rabbit doesn't want to play because it isn't fun for her, and so on. Or books along similar lines, or there's at least one Bluey episode about something similar.

If you go to a play park, will he engage with other children there, or does he play by himself/with you? If he tries to engage with other children, that's a time when you can watch closely what he does and see if a well-timed suggestion can help him 'get' the back-and-forth, give-and-take playing with another child with their own ideas and preferences.