How do I explain this to my children? Is it going to create trauma and ruin their childhood/adulthood (mention of child abuse and sex offender)

[marsunin]

I have two children, my eldest turns 3 in three months and my youngest is 9 months old.
Their dad was arrested for possession of indecent images of children. Worse categories and young ages. He will likely get an interview and be put on the registry and maybe go to prison as they have already found things of concern.

He was initially allowed to see the children supervised but is now not allowed any contact at all, which social services said will continue if he is found guilty.

The kids are young and my almost 3 year old doesn't talk and has autism, so I don't know how much he understands of the situation.

But how do I explain it to them when they are older? How do I explain why their dad can't contact them at all? How is this going to impact their lives?

They are so young and I feel so guilty that I failed the see the signs and subjected them to a potential lifetime of trauma and confusion.

I have no family here. The only family the kids have are my in-laws, who have all normalised and downplayed child abuse images ("millions of men do that, it's so unfair that he got caught", "the police are dogs", "pornography is normal, I understand that it might impact your self confidence as his wife but it's normal").

OP I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this, I cannot imagine what must be going through your mind. Please hear that you are not in any way failing your children, you are their constant and clearly love and want the best for them and there is no way you could have forseen this.

I hope someone comes along with experience of similar as I have not experienced this myself. There may be somewhere social services can signpost you for more support (I hope).

I've had an extremely difficult year for very different reasons and someone told me to just take one day at a time, one hour at a time if needed. It may be a while before you need to explain anything. And family isn't everything, build support from friends, neighbours, reach out you are not alone.

YOU don’t do any of this , this is ALL on HIM .

I have a similar thing happen with my children . My DDs “dad” is in prison for the second time for the same crime and neither of my kids have ever blamed me .
My Daughter is just glad to have a relationship with me and I’m still here .

None of this is YOUR fault remember that and make sure you keep his family away too . It will be healthier for them in the future to have no family than one who condones all this .

I was in a similar position (grandparent, not parent though).

You don't need to know yet what you'll tell them when they are older - that will come and you can plan and prepare when you and they are ready. We worked with a play therapist to help figure out the best way to talk to our children about what had happened. One thing that you will be emphasise really strongly whenever the time comes is that at every stage you have done what is necessary to keep them safe. You can tell them how much you love them and how you have protected them even when it's been hard.

Some of the support services out there feed in to the rationalisation/minimisation narrative ("it's so common", "respectable people do it", "it's just a dopamine hit in the brain") along with a tendency towards encouraging the partner to stay in the relationship regardless of whether that's best for her. It's also commonly quoted that the risk of contact offending and/or reoffending is very low but the evidence base for saying that isn't particularly robust and there's some contradictory figures out there - the only thing that can be said for sure right now is that we actually don't know the risk.

There's a list of services in the UK supporting families of online imagery offences here https://www.mariecollinsfoundation.org.uk/The-GPN-/Services-Supporting-Families-of-Child-Sexual-Abuse-Material-Offending.
It's been a long time since I needed support so I couldn't say which are any good as most of these didn't exist at the time for me, but don't be afraid to shop around to find support that works for you.

This is a lot for you to handle on your own - shock, grief, fears about the future as well as continuing to manage the day-to-day life with a 3yo and a baby. It's not something that is going to be resolved quickly - what do you need by way of support for yourself to be able to stay sane and cope with this? You will get through it - you absolutely will - but you need to take good care of yourself while you're in the middle of it.

I am so sorry you and your children have been put in this position, OP.

This organisation might be of help: https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-the-behaviour-of-another-adult/support-and-advice/wellbeing-self-care-and-relationships/supporting-children-in-the-family/

Also Google ‘support for children with a parent in prison ‘ and lots of resources come up, which might help with your wider issue even if he does not go to prison.

Bernardo’s might have a help line you could chat to, and the NSPCC.

I would go no contact with his family. They sound deeply toxic and likely to be damaging , and of no support whatsoever.

@marsunin It’s not on you- it’s all him. For now you can be age appropriate and not explain anything other than “we don’t see daddy right now” and tbh I would consider whether a move closer to your own family would be a good idea as his family sound awful.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I would probably be consistent with a general vague message eg Daddy is not living with us any more. We can’t see Daddy.

Those links PP pasted look really helpful.

definitely no contact with the in laws. They sound almost as sick as your children dad to be minimising such crimes. They are enablers for perpetrators by making people think this is normal

Speak to your GP or Health Visitor to ask about therapy for you and your children.

If you haven't already done so, cut off all contact with your in-laws who are defending and excusing his illegal behaviour. He is a paedophile but they are framing it as normal pornography and your concern as jealousy. They are toxic enablers who should never be able to see your children again as they are unsafe people.

I would contact the NSPCC and ask their advice but also you maybe need to just wait and see what age they raise it with you.

I would consider stopping to at least not having any unsupervised contact with in the laws.

The father can't contact them begat are you suggesting? That the OP just doesn't tell them anything?

This is a very complicated and sensitive parenting situation
Saying blithely that it's not her problem and leave it to him to deal with is peculiar to say the least

OP it's not surprising he is the way he is with monster family like his who think men indulging in child pronography is normal

I'm so sorry.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this.

I have no advice, but just wanted to say we have a similar situation in our family, although the offender is not my DCs father. Again, a lot of minimising by the inlaws, saying how he was a good man really, a shame he got caught, other men do worse blah blah blah. Once his prison sentence was over, I was the bad one for not wanting to take my young DC to visit. I am virtually non contact and it has been the best thing I ever did.

Stay strong, try to build a group of friends and professionals to support you, and remember none of this is your fault. Does your 3 year old go to a childcare setting which could signpost you to any local support?

Echoing the advice above. Your priority is to look after yourself and your little ones, and to build a new support network around you. You have time to work out what to say to your kiddies. Concentrate now on looking after yourself and building up support.

Echoing the suggestion of calling the NSPCC not least in order to work out what to say to your In-laws. They will help you to keep your head clear
. 'Police are not dogs, they are protecting children, as young as your grandchildren' 'Everyone may do pornography (not true) but not everyone enjoys seeing children harmed. This is nothing to do with my ego. Its everything to do with saving children from terrible abuse.'

They won't agree with you but you will need firm boundaries to prevent them wearing you down. Once a trial has happened you will have some validation there, but till then keep calm and look after yourself.

Best of luck.

The way his family are making excuses for him is utterly horrifying.

My literal first instinct when I read your post was to say that he’s died and hope he never surfaces to make contact with them again.

Id be moving back closer to my own family and support system and wipe my hands of him and his family. Definitely approach the NSPCC or your GP for their input and take it from there.

Mine too.

I can't believe his family are normalising this! Keep your children away from the whole family and relocate if it's an option.

Exactly this. The children are young enough that you don’t need to worry about it for years. Stop all contact immediately with his grotesque family. Going forward, seek help from agencies/charities. For now though, try to just enjoy your children, your lovely family unit of you 3 x

It’s easiest for children if there is never a big surprise conversation. These difficult pieces of their history should just always be a part of the narrative, but in an age appropriate way.

you might start with vague details about their father committing a crime. I think the key to the framing is to not end up making them worry that if they commit a small infraction they could lose their family. Therefore you have to be clear he made a broke a very big adult rule, even if you don’t explain what rule at 3 years old. As they get older, you slowly get more specific, but just providing them what they need to know at the time. So it’s never a secret and it’s never one big conversation.

this is how I handled explaining some, admittedly less difficult because anything would be, family history to my dd.

I'm so sorry OP what a horrible shock 😔 if I were you, I'd cut contact with his family if they're making excuses for him. Is there any way you can move to be nearer your family? Can you speak to your health visitor and ask her to help find support for you and the children? I would try and tell your 3 year old as simply as possible - daddy has done something bad and it's not safe for us to see him right now. This is something a child therapist can help you with. I hope you've got good friends that you can talk to - don't feel that you have to keep it to yourself, you have done nothing wrong.

This is excellent advice. We have framed it in terms of "It's so important for us to keep you safe. X committed a really serious crime and it meant that he's no longer a safe person for you to be around so we had to stop seeing him. Y and Z (other relations) were putting pressure on us to make decisions that would leave you vulnerable and they didn't like it when we wouldn't agree to that so we had to stop seeing them too. They still love you very much and we miss them all and it's OK to be sad about that. These other aunties and uncles all love you too and we can trust them and you can always know that we are all here to look after you properly."

I can't imagine how difficult this will be for you I'm sorry you are going through this.
I would seek advice on how to approach questions at various ages. It's a delicate balance you want to convey that it's a difficult situation but also that it's not a forbidden topic. You want the story to come to them with your narrative and not the in-laws or his narratives should they try and reach out to him/them in teens/young adulthood.

For now it's an explanation that daddy is gone and not coming back and it's because daddy has done something and nothing to do with 3 yo. Reassurance about you always being there and any other constants.

3 yos are amazing at adapting. My sister was made homeless by her delightful husband when my niece had just turned 3 and they went to living in a room together at relatives house with just a weekend bag of clothes. 2 weeks later she stated "we live here now don't we"

It's also worth mentioning though that the only child who has asked any questions so far is the one who was a bit older when it happened. The younger ones have just accepted that this is the way things are now and haven't asked much at all. Not to say that we don't/ won't explain things to them in an age appropriate way but the ball really is in our court to take our time and introduce it in a way that feels right to us rather than being caught on the hop.