15 month old won’t be put down at all.

[Zd24]

My 15 month old ( will be 16 months on the 18th) will not be put down and wants me to carry her everywhere. This isn’t just a stage she’s been like this from a very early age, around 4 months old, but not as bad as now. I’ve got 2 older children and they were never ever like this. She doesn’t sleep at night, which I can just about deal with but what I can’t deal with is that she will not let me get anything done. I mean anything, won’t let me cook, won’t let me make food for us, won’t let me eat, won’t let me go to the bathroom I have to take her with me and even then she just watches me and screams and wants to be picked up. I just don’t get. All kitchen living room is all open plan, as long as I am sitting down confined to the sofa she goes off and plays but the minute she sees me standing up to walk a few feet to the kitchen she runs screaming and won’t stop until she’s picked up. She can see me constantly as it’s all open plan but she won’t have any of it. She’s only like this with me. Honestly it’s ruining my life. I cant do anything anymore, when I even go food shopping she won’t sit in the trolley and I have to hold her and do everything whilst being on my own. I’m exhausted and genuinely feel depressed. I know it sounds bad but she’s genuinely breaking me. The lack of sleep, her not being put down, she’s not light anymore either, my back is constantly hurting and my arms. I’ve got no life anymore and break down atleast a few times a day. I just don’t know where I’ve gone wrong and what I’ve done for us to get to this point. I’ve had 2 before and I’ve never seen anything like this, my first child was difficult ( so I thought) but nothing to this extreme. I’m strongly considering nursery for a couple of days a week before I loose my sanity but feel so guilty as my other two where at home until 4. Does anyone please have any advice what this could be? I’ve tried speaking to HV and even a sleep consultant and I’m just at my wits end with all of this.

You’ll get some aghast at what I’m about to say but…. Let her cry it out. She’s not 15 weeks she’s 15 months and you’re at the end of your tether bless you and no wonder. I don’t agree with how they parented 100 years ago when kids were seen and not heard, but I think we’ve gone too far the other way now and you’re literally expected to break your back because a toddler doesn’t want to be put down.

Terrified incase we “invalidate their feelings” or somehow damage them with the trauma of putting them down would mean. No wonder we’re in a society where children can’t cope. Not having a go at you OP but the type of responses you’ll no doubt get. You’re doing great.

Mine is the same age and a bit like this. There are main points it happens like the car, where the best thing I’ve found to work is to let them have a cry. A quick acknowledgement of “You don’t need a hold right now.” And then ignore. I was thinking this morning how much better things are (slowly) getting, so it seems to be working.

Also absolutely look for a nursery. It’s enough to drive you mad, you need a break and she’ll get so much out of it too.

Couldn't have said it better myself.
You have a two year old, not a baby, leave her to it, yes she'll cry but eventually she'll settle

I'd definitely try nursery. But ultimately you can't carry around all of the time. You'll have to let her scream. She knows you're there, she won't hurt herself and she knows you'll be coming back.

Get some ear defenders so it's not as distressing for you.

This poster is spot on! A toddler doesn’t get to decide what she LETS you do. You are the adult and you choose. Put down, leave to scream. Say I want to spend time with you playing, cuddling etc but I am not carrying you.

And try nursery. Sounds like you need a break from each other

I work with 3 year olds, not children this young but I'd say she's got to learn. Start in small amounts - 5 minutes of being in the kitchen or wherever and no picking her up. Smile. Reassure occasionally but but too much. Gradually increase. She's screaming and it's working!

I nannied a child just like this and we all wore loop earbuds to cope with the noise when we said no to picking up. . I would have to firmly say 100x a day, ‘no, I am not picking you up right now, you are a big boy and I need to get xyz done’ then I’d give him a quick hug and get on with what I was doing. Sometimes he’d hang off my leg screaming bloody murder. Sometimes he’d hit me to try and get me to pick him up. Same message, firmly, on repeat. He was a big lad and no way was I doing my back in on the account of him not ‘letting me’ do things.

It was obviously easier for me as it didn’t tug on the heartstrings the same way as it would to his mum, but eventually, after about a month of this (!!) he started to get the message. A toddler tower helped once he was through the raging stage, I’d give him something to do alongside he or let him play with water in the sink.

I’d not come across a child like that before and mine wasn’t like it either, it was draining.

Does she walk? This one couldn’t at the time and part of his frustration was down to that I think.

Please update 😊

Thanks for all your replies. Yes she walking! She seemed to be even worse yesterday wouldn’t get in her pram and then screamed as soon as we got home till she went to bed if I put her down! I was thinking it’s an attention thing as she doesn’t like being alone, her older siblings are 9 and 7 and she’s the only baby in our extended family too but when the older kids are home she’s stopped wanting to be with them and play with them and just wants me.

i am strongly considering a nursery, husband is on board but it’s just me feeling guilty as I didn’t feel the need to with the older two, I do remember having hard days and points where I would cry but this is something else.

i also don’t think it is separation anxiety as I’m never “leaving the room” our house is all open plan so she can always see me and see I’m not leaving her.

I tried all your suggestions yesterday of letting her cry it out, I was doing that and trying not to look at her because I end up feeling guilty, next minute I know I saw blood on the floor ( she had been standing next to me the entire time I was in the kitchen just screaming so she hadn’t hurt herself) and I saw blood coming out of her mouth, she wouldn’t let me look inside her mouth but I can only assume she has bit her lip/tongue from screaming so much, so it didn’t end well letting her cry it out. She’s not a child who gives up. I’m trying to persevere now with telling her no, I won’t be picking you up, and letting her cry it out and see in a few days if that hopefully starts to make a difference.

it’s honestly the weirdest thing, she’ll scream all day for me to pick her up, even when the older children come home from school. But the minute Dh comes home she is fine and playing and letting me do everything, she’s fine when I leave her with my in laws too or we visit. She only seems to do this behaviour when we are alone together at home/outside when the kids are in school or when it’s just me, her and the older kids at home.

This may not work at all, but, get 2 things, a toddler tower, and an egg timer.

Egg timers come on different time lengths, so I would get a set with 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes etc.

Stand her in the toddler tower at the kitchen worktop with something to play with, anything really, I would go for something tactile like pastry. Stand her in the tower and set the egg timer for 5 minutes and have a very clear simple sentence. I will pick you up when all the sand is in the bottom.
Then engage her in the activity.
The next time, set the sand timer but don't stay next to her, move a few steps away and chat while she can play (or scream)

Once she will play for 5 minutes with you NOT next to her, then extend the time.

Once she can do 10 minutes, try it with an activity on the floor, and again start with 5 minutes.

Sand timers are wonderfully visual and they can see the end in sight, being up in a toddler tower means she is at your level and engaged.