Help me help my daughter

[Verlaine]

I have a 10 year old girl. She is funny, incredibly social (unlike me!), popular (according to school), very intelligent (exceeding in everything again according to school), kind, confident, the lot. A dreamy child.

But she also struggles with ANY criticism. If I even very slightly tell her off she often sobs saying she hates being naughty or disappointing me. And it’s not performative. I end up telling her it’s okay to be a bit naughty!

And with her friends, if anyone is a little bit mean or unkind (as 10yr olds can be from time to time!) she takes it that the person hates her and extrapolates it out to ‘no-one likes me’ for an evening or so until it passes.

I’ve tried to build her resilience and we talk a lot about emotions etc but I’m worried at how much she over thinks and internalises even slight issues. And I don’t know why she seems to be turning into a people pleaser when I am most definitely not, the opposite.

Does anyone know of any books or resources that would help us deal with this?

Does she have any hobbies or sports that she has to work at? That might help her get used to the idea that not being perfect at something really isn't the end of the world.

Yeah she does clubs and stuff - I guess it’s not perfectionism in that sense but more that she gets devastated if anyone criticises her or if there’s any perceived slight.

In my job I’ve met several adults who struggled with any kind of negative feedback, even though they knew it was given in a positive way, so I’d certainly help your daughter to find a way to accept it.

Firstly I’d ask her what she thinks would help? Give her a couple of days to ponder it then discuss her thoughts.

You could also try to reframe criticism to help her see it differently. Johari’s window technique would help with this. Explain that positive criticism from others is the only way we find out about certain aspects of ourselves, and therefore a great way to be the best we can be.

You could also explore with her whether her reaction is based on intellect or emotion - the head or the heart. Often we can accept feedback intellectually but emotionally we feel disappointed not to be perfect!

She sounds a wonderful girl.

Sorry, meant to include the link. https://www.mindtools.com/au7v71d/the-johari-window

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-Star-Childs-Guide-Self-Esteem/dp/1786852357/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=3SNXFAWS92ZKR&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.3R1LV2F1KQViQrATVyA-u1GpQC1uGPV_s_OG6Yc3u7TnsvGZhmEXV0_lm2ARSvUrEMNOIYIgKhFZsPJwQjhmHFdLadIjXRFTGQ2XEcVt2E6bN8yFUN1KVq_aYh8JPru5oFND9jLLhWGKR09NNHMookyL0OlBIzXEmIlFloN6D_EqVkc7qdNGefdnncdpojuy9NNbQmZfEjNzeWCARpy_Zg.7PMxoAomRs1hbmU01uI8CCNAO3AGi-pMaqSpwhr3KXU&dib_tag=se&keywords=self+esteem+workbook+for+kids&qid=1738791259&sprefix=self+esteem+workbook+fo%2Caps%2C139&sr=8-4

Look up rejection sensitive dysphoria.
My teen DD experiences this - not all the time but certainly when she's a bit stressed or overwhelmed it's worse. She is also autistic. Has always been very thin skinned to criticism

The smiling minds or headspace app are good as well.

I have had 3 DDs and this is very common at about this age. It does pass. Hormones play a part.

I just looked up rejection sensitive dysphoria and it’s not that - nowhere near that extreme. I will look at the other resilience building resources - thanks all!