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Original poster

Dad cut me off during pregnancy and has never seen his grandchild

19 replies

andreaanderson · 05/02/2025 19:24

Hello,

I will try to keep this brief but I am curious to hear others opinions as it is something I think about daily.

During my pregnancy my auntie agreed to buy me a pram, and then my dad decided to get involved because he felt bad that she was going to pay for it all herself so they decided to split the cost (which I was very grateful for).

During my third trimester I went to mama's and papa's and was guided by one of the workers about all the essentials to buy for the baby (I am a first time mum so was not sure on everything I needed to buy). During that visit the worker recommended getting the doona and a seperate pram.

That day I went back to my dad's house and my auntie was also there. I was really happy about the mama and papa's visit because I finally felt like I knew what I needed to get for the baby, so I was expressing this to them and explained about the doona and pram. Anyway, my auntie eventually left and my dad said to me "I didn't want to say this when your auntie was here but you had a cheek asking for two prams." He then went "I saw your aunties face when you said it (implying she made a negative face)". I was really shocked, as my intention was never to ask and be entitled to two prams, I was just discussing what happened during the mama and papa's trip. I felt anxious and probably started to over explain myself and I then messaged my auntie to clarify that I wasn't asking for two prams and was grateful for anything to gifted me. She responded really nicely and there seemed to be no issue.

My dad got really annoyed and kept telling me to shut up. He told me I was "yap yap yappy." He then told me "you are acting like a spoilt little b". I couldn't stop crying and he left the room, did not console me etc. I then left. He never tried to get back in contact. My baby shower was soon (which he was invited to), so I called him to ask if he is still coming, he said "hmm I don't know, it's just a baby shower. Probably not." (he also never asked me how I was during the call). He then messaged me the next day saying he's not going to come. I did not reply to that message. After that he never messaged me etc. I gave birth and he never phoned or anything. I waited a week after I gave birth and expressed how I felt about what happened and sent pictures of the baby. He ignored it. My baby is now 4 months old and we still have not spoken and he has never met his grandchild.

Also, to add on, my auntie started to ignore me as well. Initially she was messaging me happy about the baby and then suddenly she started to ignore all my messages and essentially cut me off too.

Any opinions on the situation?

OP posts:

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SpringBunnyHopHop · 05/02/2025 19:27

I think if someone was buying me a pram I’d be looking for a way cheaper option. I guess they didn’t expect you to go so expensive.

Emonade · 05/02/2025 19:27

Omg I’m so sorry, you haven’t done anything wrong, has he been like this before? What do your other family members think?

Greenbottle123 · 05/02/2025 19:28

This is appalling. I’m so sorry OP. He doesn’t deserve to be around your baby but I’m sure this must have ruined your first experience of motherhood. He sounds abusive

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JimHalpertsWife · 05/02/2025 19:32

What was he like before the pregnancy?

Lolapusht · 05/02/2025 19:34

Assume this isn’t the first time he’s behaved like this and has a history of bad behaviour designed to make those around him put themselves second to appease his foul moods?

Making other people change their behaviour by acting out (getting angry, crying, stonewalling etc) is abusive and manipulative. It’s done for control. Bet once you’ve apologised enough and in the right way he’ll start talking to you again. If the situation were to be replayed, your apologies would be wrong because he would change the goalposts. Wrong footing the “victim” is a favourite technique as it keeps you second guessing yourself and questioning what you’ve done wrong rather than focusing on his appalling behaviour.

You either ignore him and concentrate on your gorgeous new baby (best option! Grey rock. Drop the rope. Do not engage. If he’s got narcissistic tendancies this will infuriate him as you won’t be making him the centre of attention) or you wait until he’s punished you enough to let you back in. You will always have to pander to his inadequacies.

QueSyrahSyrah · 05/02/2025 19:35

SpringBunnyHopHop · 05/02/2025 19:27

I think if someone was buying me a pram I’d be looking for a way cheaper option. I guess they didn’t expect you to go so expensive.

Me too, but it sounds like an incredible over-reaction from the Dad / Auntie!!

merryhouse · 05/02/2025 19:39

SpringBunnyHopHop · 05/02/2025 19:27

I think if someone was buying me a pram I’d be looking for a way cheaper option. I guess they didn’t expect you to go so expensive.

Yes but then you end up with something you don't want. Fair enough, if you're struggling to fund the baby you go for basics and are grateful for any help; but otherwise people like to have choices.

I was dissuaded from getting the Stokke Tripp-Trapp because PiLs had offered to Buy The High Chair and H thought it was too much to ask. So we got a plastic one instead.

It was a good quality fancy plastic one, nothing wrong with it. But it wasn't what I'd wanted.

(and it ended up being only about £10 cheaper than the Tripp-Trapp system would have been...)

Powderblue1 · 05/02/2025 19:43

Very similar situation here OP except with a bigger argument/blow up that caused it all. I've tried to mend the rift for years (despite it not being my fault) but my dad has always been unwilling to sort things.

To reconcile with myself though I can sleep peacefully knowing I've tried EVERYTHING. I know eventually dad will pass away and I won't feel guilt over the falling out.

It's a really awful situation though. Have you tried to reach out to your dad or aunt at all?

Hiccupsandteacups · 05/02/2025 19:53

I think they are both being really unreasonable.

as long as it was clear you were happy to pay for the prams and just accept a contribution I think it was completely fine!!

hannah897 · 05/02/2025 20:14

Did you auntie think she was helping you out/you were struggling financially to get everything for baby so she thought getting a pram would be a big help? And then talking about getting two might have seemed like you didn't need the help so much after all? And possibly caused some offence.

I had a bit of a similar thing, seems like a bit of a generational thing- my pil offer to buy a pram for baby. I really wanted a particular one which my DH rightly said was too much to ask them for, totally fair enough I agreed but I wanted this pram I was going to use it a lot. So asked them if they wanted to contribute but they wanted to buy the whole thing, and the budget wouldn't cover the one I wanted. I asked them then to get something else instead like the cot if they wanted to buy something for baby, it really didn't go down well.

johnd2 · 05/02/2025 20:22

Fundamentally it's nothing to do with the pram or money I'm sure.
All I can say is getting a new family member is a real shock. Is it the first grandchild of the generation? Everyone has expectations and they all stay hidden until it gets to the time, then they all come to the surface and turn out not to be as imagined in any number of ways. This can and does cause all sorts of friction, and a lot of us aren't too good at negotiating all that, so fallings out and the full works are possible.

My recommendation would be for everyone to avoid getting too entrenched, keep the door open, and see how things pan out once people get used to things
Easier said than done, but it's all you can really do.
Hope you and the baby are doing well.

Chillilounger · 05/02/2025 20:22

My mil bought us a pram without asking. I had already researched and knew I wanted a different one and my mum had already offered to pay. I felt bad but got my DH to thank her but talk to her and explain. My mum said she would get something else but we had spent weeks looking and this was one item I really wanted a say in so I got the one I wanted. If mil was offended she didn't let it show. She was very gracious and we have a brilliant relationship. So no, your dad shouldn't have reacted like that.

AliceMcK · 05/02/2025 20:25

SpringBunnyHopHop · 05/02/2025 19:27

I think if someone was buying me a pram I’d be looking for a way cheaper option. I guess they didn’t expect you to go so expensive.

Or they could have not offered to buy a pram until they asked op what she was looking for..

I hate it when people offer to buy something making the receiver feel like they can’t actually get what they want and are expected to choose something the gifter can afford rather than what they would have bought themselves.

doopdoopdidoop · 05/02/2025 21:14

Very similar situation here too. Child is 4, has not met grandfather. His loss

Original poster

andreaanderson · 05/02/2025 23:10

SpringBunnyHopHop · 05/02/2025 19:27

I think if someone was buying me a pram I’d be looking for a way cheaper option. I guess they didn’t expect you to go so expensive.

I kept the post as brief as possible so I probably missed some important details. So just to clarify, when my auntie found out I was pregnant she was really happy for me and wanted to get me a big gift (she decided on getting me a pram). My dad then decided he would split with her and I was told the budget was £1,500. The TWO prams combined fit within that budget. Plus, I never asked for those two specific prams, I was just telling them about everything I learnt during mama's and papa's, and that included mentioning the prams the worker spoke about. I never said they should buy them for me. The whole intention was actually for us to all go out shopping and pick one together (which never ended up happening since me and my dad argued). Hope this makes sense

OP posts:

Tourmalines · 06/02/2025 01:45

That was very generous gift from your aunty . I wonder what happened to make her go nc with you .

Snoopdoggydog123 · 06/02/2025 01:51

They've chosen to go no contact.
Which in itself isn't wrong, people have the right to chose which relationships they have in their life.

I'd focus on the relationships you do have and the time with your LO.

Squidtentacles · 06/02/2025 06:52

Makes it difficult when people decide on a specific thing they want to gift, rather than just contribute money. Had this with MIL and FIL with our wedding. They had to know what specific thing they were buying (ie flowers) rather than just give us the money towards it.

They didn't set a budget though, so it was appreciated. That is where it doesn't work. If you have a budget, don't offer to get the item. That stops them buying what they want/need.

mindutopia · 06/02/2025 10:02

Drop the rope. I’d stop dancing around them both. If he wants to be involved in his grandchild’s life, he will be. It sounds like he’s not bothered and is using this to punish you. The pram was just an excuse (btw if someone offered to buy me a pram, I’d say thanks, this is the one we’re planning to buy, if that’s too much, we’d still be grateful for a little contribution towards it or here’s some other things that would really help us out, no one had to buy you a pram if they didn’t want to!).

But this would have been about something else if that pram shopping trip hadn’t happened. He will have done this before, to you and to others. That’s how they work. You let him know baby was born. Now drop the rope and let him wallow in the situation he created. Get on with life and enjoy your baby.

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