Be brutally honest: what is it like having a newborn and toddler

[Brooomhilda]

I'm due quite soon with my second (both girls) and am cautiously optimistic that it'll be okay after the shitshow that was my first PP period. But that's because I know more what to expect this time. But I know nothing about having a toddler and newborn. Mums with experience, could you please give me your brutally honest advice? I'd rather be prepared and I won't be scared by it, I promise.

What's the age gap? TBH the first few months until you've adjusted and got the baby into something of a routine are just a case of do what you need to, adapting/bodging as necessary and the rest will have to wait...

Same for me, all my mum friends at the time had two under twos and some three under five, I don't remember it being a topic of discussion. It was what it was and we just got on with it

Maybe too much social media is making it a thing

Agreed.

I also took ALL the help and kept oldest i childcare 4 days a week.
i also lowered my standards at home.

mine are coming up 3 and 1 now i love them and am happy they have a small gap.

Hard but fine. Helps obviously if you have a support system. A lot of mum guilt at the beginning as you try and find your feet trying to balance the two. But you eventually get there. Lots of cuddles and play time with the toddler and I can't stress this enough .... baby carrier/wrap so you have free hands for toddler!

To be brutally honest, I fucking hated it. I found it SO much harder to adjust from 1 child to 2, than 0 children to 1. DH is/was very hands on, eldest was at nursery 4 days a week and I still struggled.
When I was pregnant with DS2 all my friends with 2 kids kept saying 'oh he'll just slot in'. There was no "slotting in", it was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Looking back now, I almost certainly had PND second time around, which I didn't with my first. I definitely had a false sense of security, having "done it all before" and now carry a lot of guilt and shame around the first 12 months of DS2s life because I didn't recognise it and therefore didn't seek help.

But now, it's brilliant. I have a 6 year old and a 3 year old and they're just amazing little people. So different from one another, but in all the best ways. They bounce of each other and I enjoy being with both of them together and individually.

I remember having a 1 and 3 year old as awful. No sleep with baby and 3 year old screamed a lot.
Other than that it's the best thing ever (11 and 13 now)

I'll also add that I think it's quite normal for their to be times when you regret going from 1-2. The problem is that you know how much logistically easier so many situations would be to handle with just 1 and you can't un-know this.

This!

Maybe I’ve blanked out the worst of it though, as I’m about to have number three (others are 3.5 and 1.5). Definitely remember all three of us crying at one point, probably something to do with naps? Oh and bathtime was a logistical challenge for someone clumsy like me, but we soon nailed it.

Get a great sling. Enjoy!

hardest thing ive ever done. Had a very screamy and sleep resistant baby from 0-6 months so they lived in the sling more or less. Much happier now theyre on the move at 7-8 months but no doubt that will present a whole host of new challenges in the near future. Was also a massive shock to the system to have a dummy and bottle refuser. Toddler adapted really well but I missed her so much in the early weeks. Carving out 1-1 time every day is key. Snacks, tv, lots of walks and accept any help you can get.

The first few weeks were the hardest for me. My daughter had a lot of jealousy for a couple of weeks when her brother arrived and it brought out a lot of intense emotions which were difficult to manage, especially when I was dealing with my own hormones! Fortunately baby was happy to nap in his cot (in the same room) and I got to have 1 on 1 time with my daughter, kept snacks/favourite toys on hand for when I was breastfeeding and did bedtime with her most nights.

I think in time you work out what works best for you. I would often be out the house around 9am each day because that was when baby would start to be getting tired and grumpy. There was also a phase where I would often just go for a drive to get a drive through coffee - baby and toddler would fall asleep in the car and I just appreciated the peace and a hot drink!

Don’t be scared to ask for help. My son was a terrible sleeper and I was sleep deprived for the first 9 months so I needed all the help I could get!

My two are now 3 years old and almost 11 months old and it is much easier!

I've got twins coming when my eldest will be 2.5 so hopefully it's not too awful

Tbh, awesome. They adored each other from the get go- ds got baby's first smile, his name was the first word.
Worst bit was trying to help ds in the loo as just out of nappies whilst watching the pram in public loos. Luckily we lived overseas and it was all malls with child sized sinks and loos.

But we were never in a hurry. Even bf was nice in cafes, reading a book with ds as dd got on with it.

My advice would be ignore your phone for the next few years, enjoy it and no rushing about being bad tempered. And teach them to play nicely together and stick up for each other.
My dcs are teens now and each others champions despite being v different. Best thing ever.

I can see this thread is old but I wanted to comment as reading through has made me feel quite sh*t frankly and I didn’t want another new mum of 2 feeling the same way!

I have a 3 week old and 25 month old so I’m in the thick of it now and I haven’t found it easy like other posters at all. I think the other well meaning mums have probably forgotten what it’s like to be in the midst of it - I never have a moment to myself, I’m extremely overwhelmed and it’s A LOT. I’ve just sat down to eat for 2 mins while my toddler naps and my baby is beside me currently crying n cue waking up for a feed - it really is relentless! I also cannot nap anymore as I have a toddler and their naps never line up so I am surviving with a permanent headache due to getting 2-5 hours (max) sleep at night.

That said, it is just a phase and as someone pointed out as with all things kids it will pass quickly and I am looking forward to having a bit more routine and down time.

I had a 5 year old 2 year old twins and a newborn. I was very lucky they were very chilled and wasn't a velcro baby probably because I bottle fed. He just fitted in with everyone else.

Hell on Earth.

Its hard but the best! I still remember getting both new born and toddler to nap at the same time a few times- that's a winning at life moment that's hard to beat!! Then my toddler dropped the baps and sleep deprivation took hold fast!! But anyway, amazing, hard, relentless, rewards. Mine are 9 &11 now and so close, I wouldn't change a minute.
I was slightly maniac looking back- first day DH went back to work and I was alone i decided to make cupcakes with my toddler- just to prove i could still do things with her. Newborn was most definitely a sling baby! Do things they both enjoy as you get older- keep it simple- days in are OK, garden, park etc playgroups may save your sanity. I also walked- double buggy and walked to park- baby asleep toddler play, picnic, feed baby, with in buggy walked home etc

Something I never did and wish I had was ask for help sometimes! You will be fine though.

It's the best of times and the worst of times.

I have a 3 year old and 2 month old and was dreading this but in all honesty I've enjoyed it so far and it's not been too difficult for me.

However for me I have a lot of things that have helped with is. My 3 year old sleeps through the night and the baby has been a great sleeper since day one so I've not been sleep deprived at all. My toddler also attends nursery and on days he doesn't, I am incredibly lucky to have a great support network so I've not really had to spend all day on my own with them. I also have a lot of friends with babies and toddlers and there's something about the more adults and kids about making it easier! My toddler is also very chilled and happy to play by himself.

If I didn't have the above in place, I'd have found it a 100 times harder and appreciate how lucky I am!

18 months between mine. I loved it. Dc1 soon forgot a time before their sibling. Once I got their nap and bedtime in sync I was singing. We'd all nap together on a floor bed in the day, no worries of school runs or need to be anywhere. We went out at least once a day to chance the scene and sometimes to get a break while they just chilled in the buggy. Dc1 is disabled and had development delays so tbh they pretty much were like twins, just one bigger than the other 🤣

I can't remember much of the first 3 months but we also moved counties in that time so was rather hectic! Apart from that it's been brilliant, they are wonderful together and being close in age it's always been able to create activities and experiences they can both enjoy.

Good advice here! But yeah, don't expect much of yourself. My girls are ~22 months apart, and I had awful ante- and post-natal depression with my second. That definitely didn't help! My advice:

• take any and all help you're offered. For us a friend offered to bring us dinner. We're not religious people at all, but he is, and he organised a whole load of his church friends (complete strangers to us) who lived in our village to come and give us dinner every day for the first week after we brought DD2 home. It was incredible kindness, so helpful and I'll never forget it.

• toddlers don't need much entertainment. I remember sitting on the floor holding DD2, while DD1 toddled around us in circles, clambering over my legs one at a time. She had fun, that's all you need.

• cbeebies is your friend. Genuinely. Sometimes having a friendly adult face in the house is all you need.

• let your toddler help you. DD1 loved fetching and carrying nappies/wipes etc, choosing her sister's clothes, helping to push the pram. Yes everything takes ages, but there's rarely a real time pressure.

• decide with your partner who's in charge for night wakings BEFORE you're woken up. As I was breastfeeding, I would get up for the newborn, but if our eldest needed us in the night it was DH's responsibility to go to her. It really helped to have already decided this, so we weren't getting grumpy with each other in the night.

• sometimes one/both/all three of you will be in tears. This too shall pass. I distinctly remember putting DD2 in her cot where she proceeded to scream like she was being murdered, but I had a choice of one, and that was to settle DD1 for a nap. If I tried keeping DD2 with me, it was too interesting/noisy for DD1 to settle, so screaming in a safe place somewhere else it had to be.

The first three months particularly is incredibly hard work, but you will survive! Take it as easy as you can ❤️