Dealing with other kids who have different rules

[Fifiworks]

My DD has started to spend a lot of time with a kid who has unlimited access to the internet on her phone. They are both 12. She is using apps that I don’t think are safe for her age.
They live close by so I find it difficult to discourage their friendship,

Interested to hear how others would handle this?

Kids may not like “different houses different rules” but they do understand it. At 12 I would be talking to her about why you have made the decisions you have around appropriate internet rules and try to get her on board (explaining how once you see something you can never unsee it etc.) to try and discourage her from just accessing things with her friend.

You just explain why you have your rules and thah other parents have different ones - no one parents the same even the same parent can have different virwd

Not much you can do really except make it clear the rules are different in your house and foster an open and trusting relationship so your DD knows she can come to you if she ever sees or is shown something inappropriate by another child

It's tough but you just explain, in our family, we don't think access to those sites is a good idea because... and it's important to take regular breaks from screen time because...
We just constantly offered alternative distractions when friends came round. Age appropriate games or making pizzas etc.

You could also watch that ch4 (I think) documentary with Emma and Matt Willis about the dangers of phone use. Warning, it does deal with suicide. We watched it with our dc and it was useful in helping them understand we weren’t just being mean.

Different houses / families different rules narrative here. My DD wins sometimes and loses some times - as in we are more strict or less strict depending on friend and / or topic.

We will always explain the why in and open and honest way but also try to in a way that doesn’t villainise the other kid or family (ie our way is right and their way is wrong or bad).

Sorry I’m completely on board with the different house different rules. I’m more worried that she is on these apps now when she sees this other child and the child is showing her videos on tik tok ect…

So my kid by proxy has unlimited access to the internet when the other one is around.

Then you need to teach her and allow her to come up with sensible boundaries and understanding of what and why they are and why you have your rules in place

Discouraging a friendship isn’t necessary just so you don’t have to deal with the internet thing, obviously if you think bad influence/ bully etc that’s a reason

Surely at 12 she spends all day at school and some of her downtime with friends who you don't even know, let alone know what they are allowed?

@JimHalpertsWife i know all of her friends and I’ve met all her friends parent/s. All my children have their friends around frequently and I make it my business to introduce myself to their parents and we would all have each others numbers ect...

School is not an issue. They are very strict on phones. None of the other girls she knows are allowed completely unfettered access like this. Everyone else has some rules in place. Of course we all may not be restricting the right things and exposing them to danger without us knowing but this is the only child who watches what she likes and has access to anything she likes.

I think this is one of the biggest challenges of parenthood right now. You can have in places all the online safety in your own home, but if you let your child have age appropriate friendships and spend time outside the home which is important for development, you will find your child exposed to all sorts of online harm if their friend's parents have a different outlook on online harm.

I have no advice to avoid risk, just sympathy.

I think you need to talk to your child about how they can tell you things they find uncomfortable, how they should report stuff, what risks there are, so that she knows what to do if exposed or sees something upsetting. There are some great online resources about safety. Focusing on conduct, commerce, contact and content. Try the nspcc website. She might also give her friend some strategies as a side effect.

Basically your child will be exposed to these risk now or soon, so prepare.