Single children

[eggsontoast]

I'm 41 with a 2 year old child, and having great difficulties trying to have a 2nd (2 miscarriages so far, failed IUI attempts and about to start IVF with reduced odds). Whilst truly appreciating our good fortune in having a child at all (when many others can't), I'm having difficulties coming to terms with the fact that he may be an only child. Irrational though it may sound, I can't help but worry that he will really miss out by not having a sibling. I'm very much aware I must keep these feelings to myself and start to deal with the very real possibility that my family will not increase, but I feel troubled. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice to share please?(My partner does not wish to adopt).

Oh. I was just going to say that my friend adopted, and they are v happy with their family. My ds is friends with the adopted son.

But on the other hand, I do know an elderly woman whose 35 year old mentally unstable adopted son smashed her head with a wine bottle, putting her in hospital for months.

Hi eggs, so sorry you're having a tough time with this. I had my dd at 41 and will not be able to give birth again. I am applying to adopt (thanks for the cheery story, Elasticwoman!) but not sure yet it's the right option for us.

I truly believe that there is no way of telling if or how your child may miss out through being an only. Some siblings are a blessing; some siblings are hell. Some are close throughout their lives; others drift apart as soon as they leave the family home. There's no research evidence that i'm aware of that onlies are psychologically disadvantaged, and of course they can benefit from lots more close time with their parents.

I think when we were little it was harder to be an only, because everyone seemed to have at least two siblings. These days there are loads of only children, and that means lots of kids looking for playmates just as your ds will. Ultimately, though, you just don't know what it would have meant for your child to have had a sibling. Try to be at peace with that - your ds will have a wonderful life, I'm sure.

Sorry Hester! They had an adopted daughter too and she is quite normal.

I only have experience from being an only child. Mum came from a very large family (8 siblings) and certainly wanted more than me, Dad didnt want any kids, was persuaded to have one and then Mum had a very traumatic birth, almost losing her life so my Dad decided one was more than enough.

I had a fantastic childhood, think my parents worked very hard, always loads of kids at our house and quite often we took friends and cousins on holiday with us. I certainly dont think I missed out on not having brothers and sisters. Of course my parents always had to be on hand to play games with etc.

So I would try not to worry, it may be a bit harder work for you, if you do only have one child, but I certainly dont feel lacking in anything. I would describe my childhood as wonderful, and strive to give my kids the same sort of childhood.

Dear Hester and Jenkel

The above happened to be my first ever post and I feel really encouraged and touched by your replies. Very much appreciated.

I certainly understand your feelings eggsontoast, I am also 41, I have just one child, an 8yo dd but I have been single for a very long time! I don't think I'll ever have another child now, it's been hard to accept but I have(with the occasional wobble!)
I went through the adoption process but withdrew just before going to panel as I, to put it in a nutshell, got cold feet about the realities of my feelings towards an adoptive child compared to my birth child.
I think like someone else said, siblings do not necessarily get on and it's often us parents who feel bad, not the child, after all, what you've never had you never miss!

I think there are advantages / disadvantages to every type of family, big or small and you can make teh most of what you have

lots of people with siblings feel isolated and dont get on with them etc. if you only have one child you will just work hard to give them plenty compnay eg live in an area with lots of families, invite kids on play dates, take your child to lots of clubs etc

i know that your partner does not wish to adopt, but it might help you to know that as a couple in their 40s you would have virtually no chance of adopting a baby or toddler anyway. Unless you are black or could parent a child with special needs.

Do you think that your " feeling troubled" might be grief about your infertility problesm? Just because you are grateful for your 2yo doesn't mean that you have no right to be devasted that you are struggling to have another

You don't need to keep these feeling to yourslef - there is support out there. please don't feel that your feelings about this don't matter - THEY DO

I am 46 with a nearly 3 yr-old (from IVF) and can't have any more. It has got easier recently because I am passing the point where, if I had been young enough, I would have had a second child. I realise we're very lucky to have dd and do generally keep quiet about my sadness over not having another - I don't want to make our friends with second (third, fourth...) children uncomfortable.

We looked into adoption but we are too old to adopt a child younger than dd (or even her age) and would not adopt an older child.

I am an only child myself so I hope I will have some insight into her experience growing up.

I think it gets better when you have really reached the end of the road trying for another. You can't really move on while you are still ttc. I am much more at peace now since I have had to completely accept that 'this is it'. I did though, go through a phase (a milder version of what I went through for years ttc dd) of feeling every new pg/sibling announcement as an unpleasant shock.

My dd's godparents (a married couple) are both only children with no children of their own. There are pros and cons to being an only, as there are pros and cons to having siblings.

I think the most important thing is not for him to necessarily have a sibling but to have lots of experience with children and people around him he can rely on apart from you.

I am an only child and did not/do not like it (although saying that in reality i have no real understanding of what it is like to have a sibling - grass is always greener etc etc). But my situation is maybe different in that I am an only child of only children - so no aunties or uncles, no cousins - no family at all really. The only family I have left are my mum and dad (and im only 26). On top of this my parents were a bit odd when i was younger (stress, depression adding to it etc) and never really let me have friends around and only let me be friends with people they thought were suitable eg friends children. And they never really had any friends themselves (only a few between them) meaning I didnt have many other children in my life - and this was what i missed out on - not them being relatives in any way. Yes we went on day trips to the beach and zoo etc but we also went on a lot of day trips to cathedrals, stately homes - in a very non child friendly way. Holidays were adult centred etc.

I have since married an only child (what is it about my genes lol) who loved being an only child - he had cousins, lots of friends, child centred days out etc etc. He also had a happier childhood - whereas mine was stressful. So its not the only child status but the situation around it.

Saying that my parents are fantastic now (got over it all) and any time or resources they do have only have to come to me. They are in the process of moving to be closer to us. I am also pregnant again as personally wanted more than one child as DS would have been an only child of only children of only children...confused yet lol! And I also just wanted more than one child - DH however wasnt so bothered

Hope that makes some kind of sense. Tired and hot!

xxx

Well my DS will be an only one. THough I have a brother, both our parents are only children so we are kind of used to small families (and I have no genetic connection with anyone but DS anyway as I am adopted). Basically if you think it's a problem, you may make it one for your DS. If you just shurg and accept that families and people are different, then so will your DS.