Does anyone else feel like this? Really need help

[Mamabear333]

Brief backstory-
during my very complex pregnancy we was told my son had a less than 8% chance of survival, he was born ok but I knew there was something wrong. Was covid, doctors didn’t believe me, he was eventually diagnosed with a birth defect after surgery because I was so persistent. I had severe ptsd from thinking he would die and not being believed…
This led to a social services referral when he was 2 because the consultant didn’t know I was already in therapy and also didn’t understand the back story. Case closed very very quickly. But it traumatised me, to my very core.
I have since had another child, I am still in therapy to this day. I still very much have raging ptsd but no longer believe my son will die, I’m actually completely better from that side of things.
My ptsd now is down to the social services referral from years ago. When my 2nd child started showing signs of seizures, even though the neurologist saw it and validated my worries, the health visitor thought it was my anxiety again… it really wasn’t!
Its been so damaging; when my children become unwell with common childhood things, I’m terrified to seek help (I do, but it terrifies me), when my children get normal childhood bruises, I panic that someone will think I have done them. I’m constantly seeking reassurance that people think I’m a good mum. I know I’m a bloody fantastic mother but I am just terrified.
When the post comes, I’m almost sick incase there’s some sort of letter, when my phone rings, when I hear a car door outside the house.
My therapist is amazing, my sons school is AMAZING.
I just can’t shake this fear that my children will be taken from me??? It’s not constant; it comes in waves, for instance if I’m triggered with my anxiety by a cold for instance.
I probably sound stupid, please be gentle with me 😭

Just to clarify- there is absolutely no social care involvement, it’s just an intense fear and ptsd.

You aren't stupid at all. You've been treated badly by some health professionals and now have very understandable fears as a result.

A health visitor didn't believe you even when a neurologist had agreed with you and seen your child having seizures? Have I got that right? That's awful and perhaps you should get any evidence you have together and submit a complaint, if you can face doing it.

A lot of it is very likely down to the lack of joined up thinking within the NHS, with the left hand so often not knowing what the right hand is doing, which is sadly all too common. Also, the tendency to not believe that women can possibly know what they are talking about, especially new mothers.

You're a very good mum and you are doing well. Do you have support at home from a husband, partner, other family and friends?

So another backstory…
During the involvement with social care we had a great and supportive health visitor. She left and the new health visitor came in when my 2nd was born. She absolutely had a pre judgement of me.
She made it seem like the symptoms my 2nd was experiencing, I was just making up/very anxious, she sent us to see a peads doctor but she had already had various appointments and tastings so it was pointless and made me feel extremely anxious and like I had done something wrong. The appointment was literally the doctor asking me why I was worried, when she saw the videos she was like right okay, yes I understand!!!
I just feel constantly like I’m on edge, panicking, worrying.
My eldest bit my youngest, I was right there, it happened so fast. I was almost sick thinking someone will think I can’t keep them safe- even though I know siblings do things like this.
The bite is what has triggered my anxiety into overtime. I’m working SO hard to not feel like this. I don’t want to complain because on one hand, people are just doing their jobs but on the other hand I feel like the way I’ve been made to feel is just unacceptable 😩

And plenty of support, an abundance of it. But I think nobody could understand unless it was happening to them x

I am sorry you had such a rough time OP - a sick baby in Covid must have been a horror. I’m so glad he’s better, but it sounds like you’ve given so much you now need to think about you.

I haven’t had this situation but I have had some shocker anxiety at times.

A few things that might help - perhaps think about reframing the social services referral - their only focus is to make sure you and the kids are safe. You had a rough time and were genuinely not too well at some point (and I suspect the consultant would have referred you whether they knew the backstory or not), so you are on their files because of that - but nothing you say indicates that they would have any interest in doing anything else than checking in and suggesting some support if needed (which it hasn’t been) - there’s no reason they would ever want to take control away from you.

Secondly it still doesn’t sound like your anxiety is being managed well. So, if you haven’t, I’d go and see your GP about medication. It’s never good to just take pills, but alongside other help they can really help lift you to a place from which you can get better.

Thirdly, it might be worth thinking about a change of therapist, as while it sounds like your current one is a welcome source of support, perhaps they don’t have the experience or specialist skills to help you move forward. You don’t have to just dump them, but I’d have initial calls with a few to see if someone feels like they could help you get moving - some CBT might be worth trying if you haven’t, although it doesn’t work for everyone.

Finally, how is your partner in all this? Do they take on a fair share of work so you both get the same amount of time off? Do they help you reframe your thoughts when you are anxious.

Thanks so much for your comment,
I have tried SO many times to reframe my thinking, I no longer feel angry about the referral but I just straight up feel traumatised.

I am on medication and in my therapy at the moment, I have started emdr, last time I had emdr around my previous ptsd it got ALOT worse before it got better. I am back in that right now as I am currently reprocessing all of this, so it’s all out and fresh in my mind again. My therapist is a perinatal ptsd specialist and I had to fight to get her so I’m keeping hold! She is honestly fantastic, we spent months unpicking everything and have now started the EMDR. Cbt did nothing for me; so I’m back into my second round of reprocessing.

Yes my hubby is great, he’s the one who’s fought for people to understand what we have been through, he has explained to me so many times the reasons why they did what they did, whilst he is more level headed than me he also sees where everybody went wrong. He’s like the calm and I’m the storm haha.

thanks for your comment x