Getting the teen to come on family outings

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Looking for advice please. DD is 13 and often refuses to come out with us at the weekend eg for a pub lunch/walk/activity that is teen or family focussed. I'm not sure how strict to be??. If she was 15/16 then of course I know she doesn't want to spend time with her parents and younger sibling (2 years younger) but she's 13.

I want her to feel invited, thought-about and included. Thought goes into these outings which are about once or twice a month for a few hours at a weekend. I don't want her to start spending her Sundays lying in bed all day at age 13.

It's not a safety thing - she's sensible and can stay home and make herself a sandwich etc. I just want her to get dressed, and be 'up' at least even if she doesn't come.

She does a hobby for 1.5hours on a Saturday and Wednesday and that's it otherwise. Might arrange to see a couple of friends for a slow walk to the park but the weather has been a bit rubbish for that.

Any thoughts please? I don't know what's normal!

It’s completely normal 13 year old behaviour.

However, that doesn’t mean you have to give into it, at that age they often don’t have much social life, so as you say, if she doesn’t join family trips she’s just scrolling in bed.

I would negotiate with her and say that for now, you expect her to join family events as it’s not good to do nothing all day, but that she can chose one or two things she really doesn’t like doing, and either she gets a pass to skip those, or you do them when she’s doing something else.

Thank you @theduchessofspork that's reassuring to hear.
In the end, today I negotiated that she got up, dressed and was eating by the time we left the house. I was very calm and explained we love having her come along and we'll get her involved with the planning of the next thing in half term. Hoping I haven't started to make a rod for my own back...

I second this, it's a totally normal teen behaviour, I can remember myself not being excited about family functions either. The only difference is that I'm still not, but no one bats an eye now😂I like the idea of giving her a pass and have a compromise such as she goes to every other event or only "big" events, etc.

What kind of activities have you planned with her?

DD1 comes out with us about once a fortnight (used to be every weekend) and we plan our trips for things she wants to do (luckily DD2 likes them too). A lot of them are fun, SM-friendly experiences that she likes to show off photos for - immersive exhibitions or high adrenaline things. We're in London so there are always new things like that popping up all the time, and I keep up with places opening so I can suggest new venues.

We live in a mid size town up north so not huge variety in terms of activities - wish we were in London! Now I think of it, she has liked some places where she could take photos and show friends. This last weekend it was just a country park walk and lunch. I know it's not super exciting but she's always liked forest-y walks. We're hoping to get a dog so I think this might help as this is something she's been asking for for ages.

DS1 is 13, he's much the same. He'd rather be at home gaming and enjoys being in the house on his own. It's quite handy sometimes as he can let the dog out if we're out for a few hours.

He'll come out on a day out to a theme park or castle; we try to do a day out in the school holidays. He'll usually come out for lunch or dinner if that's all we're doing. He loves escape rooms so he's always up for them. He absolutely would not come out for a walk, even if there was lunch involved. He wouldn't come to a pub quiz or anything where there are little kids either (DS2 is 8).

What would your DD be interested in doing? Have you offered to take a friend of hers too? DS2 had a football team trip to a trampoline park a while back, so I asked DS1 if he wanted to come along and bring a friend, to my surprise he said yes and he was so excited about it for a couple of weeks beforehand. They had a great time and it was lovely to see them enjoying themselves.

It's a tricky age so I don't push it too much, I always ask him if he wants to come when we go out at the weekends but the answer is usually no. He likes his sleep in the mornings at the weekend, and we are up and about early as DS2 has football.

Join us or be utterly bored indoors all day with zero devices. Yes, 13 year olds want time alone but they have to learn social skills, compromise and put family first otherwise they become selfish and entitled.