I don’t deserve to be a parent

[Sayshesheshe]

Two weeks into solo parenting a 3.5 month old due to husband’s work travel and I’ve reached my limit. She’s been up at half two every day for at least 1.5 hours and I just can’t cope any more. Today has been 2.5 hours and every time I try and put her down in her next to me she cries and contorts her body.

Im finding myself getting so frustrated with her - my reserves and resilience are at an all time time low and I’m pretty sure that she’d be better off without me and with a more patient mother who isn’t affected by lack of sleep at all.

It’s just relentless.

She would not be better off without you. You know that, you're just at the end of your tether.

Can your DH come home, change his role or job because I couldn't have coped with solo parenting during the early years?

You do deserve to be a parent and your little one needs and wants you. It’s just these first few months are incredibly hard, especially alone.
Can you look at your sleep arrangements and try something different so you’re both getting more sleep? For example co sleeping or chest sleeping (look up lullaby trust for safe guidelines on co sleeping and follow accounts like cosleepy and happy cosleeper on instagram for safe chest sleeping advice).
Alternatively can you get any help in the day? Someone to watch the baby whilst you go back to bed for a bit?
Sleep deprivation is so hard and makes you think all kinds of crazy things. It does get better though!

I would generally consider myself a very level headed and patient person but I have a four month old who wakes up every 1.5-2 hours at the moment. It makes me feel genuinely angry with frustration. These feelings are normal, you are sleep deprived. Try to pop your baby in the crib and walk away for a few minutes when it gets really bad, just to catch your breath. Crying for a couple minutes won't hurt them.

This is a really difficult period but you'll get through it and come out the other side ready for the next parenting challenge.

You're a great mum.
We've all been there.
Sleep deprivation is torture.
Reach out for help in the day.
It will get better!

Sounds lonely too. Could you go and stay with friends or family while your partner's away? I used to.

I went through something similar when my daughter was this age, trying to put her in her cot over and over and over, I started having suicidal thoughts because of the lack of sleep

I started co sleeping at 4 months and it saved my sanity

You can find save co sleeping guidance on the co sleepy website

It won't always be like this OP. This too shall pass. This could be the dreaded 4 month sleep regression.

We found a baby nest invaluable, this is the one we had, safe for overnight sleeping. We had a next2me, fits fine in that.

purflo.com/sleep-tight-baby-bed/

You're doing brillianty.

I also had a non-sleeper. I remember having similar thoughts (that my baby would be better off without me) when mine was young, but that was even with my partner here. It's probably more common than most admit. You're doing all this alone on very limited sleep – it's hard, and you're doing the absolute best you can. Remember that your baby loves you.

You will get through this.

In the meantime, co-sleeping and breastfeeding back to sleep helped me. If there's any way a friend or relative can pop by at some point during the day, don't be scared to reach out. I didn't, but probably should have done.

Be kind to yourself. Head outside. Go to baby groups or just the local coffee shop, just to be near some other adults for a little bit. Arrange a walk with a friend, if you can. Those first six months were unrelenting, but you're doing great. Take each moment separately - one foot in front of the other - and ignore the "big picture" - when will I sleep again thoughts - it will come, but it's all about getting through these early days with as much joy and kindness as you can create for both yourself and your baby. But on days you've got nothing, just getting through is enough. 💫

Wishing you all the best. Xx

There isn't that parent. When DC1 was that age, I was so sleep-deprived that I started having hallucinations that I'd dropped them out the window accidentally. Even though it was a hot summer, I kept all the windows locked for a while. Prolonged sleep deprivation combined with isolation is awful, it's ok to be struggling.

Honestly everyone is affected by lack of sleep, there's a reason why sleep depravation is a torture method! Caring for a young baby no matter how much you love them is bloody hard, be kind to yourself and don't expect yourself to be perfect; no one is. Please let loved ones know you need a hand, they won't judge nor will they begrudge.

Just echoing what others have said about cosleeping. I coslept with my baby (now 10 months) from 3 weeks because it was the only way to get proper rest, and it saved me. If you're breastfeeding you can absolutely cosleep safely. As others have said look at the Lullaby Trust and follow the safe sleep 7.

Take care OP. The early months are so hard and you will get through it. You're doing brilliantly.

Could you afford to have a night nanny for a couple of weeks?

Sorry, I know this drives everyone on mumsnet mad when we re-quote the OP. 🥺 On the app I can't see any other way to reply without doing this?
But I just wanted to say you've got this. Its so hard in those early days. I was the same 8 years ago. Partner working nights. He'd come home and I'd want to hand baby over to him after a sleepless night feeding and he'd want / need to go to bed. Is there anybody who can help out a bit, family etc? Even just to come round and sit, while you get a much needed snooze. Its so tough right now but it doesn't last long, hang on in there mama. x

All I remember from having a 3.5 month old baby is being utterly, utterly miserable. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's horrible, but the way you are feeling is normal. It doesn't mean you are a bad or undeserving mother; it means you are a human being.

Please do consider co-sleeping- I was determined I wasn't going to do it, but I reached my limit and gave in. I got so much more sleep after that.

Two mantras which helped me when I was horribly sleepy deprived:

1. Sleep over everything (obviously not over your baby's safety and wellbeing, but definitely prioritise it over housework!)
2. If you can't sleep, rest.