Do your kids constantly want things?

[Bexboujie]

DD is 9 and I do get occasional treats for her but honestly everytime we go out or do anything she just wants more. We’ve been out and done an activity today that she really wanted to do, but because I refused to buy her a £20 pencil case after all hell has broken loose. It’s turned a nice day into a bad one. This is a common occurrence. Then it turns into well I’ll have this istead it’s only £7. She doesn’t even actually want the thing half the time. It makes me not want to go anywhere that sells anything.

What frustrates me the most is the times when she’s been good and does get something for example a squishy toy or a new drinks bottle after a day it’s forgotton about and never used/played with again.

Do most children do this?

I was going to say my youngest was the same at that age until you said about her basically emotionally blackmailing you into buying her the case.
yes, he wanted stuff all the time (absolutely didn’t get it all though), but there was no way he would have stooped to those tactics.

No, we do a lot of days out and we've always skipped straight past the gift shop, so they've never got used to the idea of having a little gift afterwards. We're pretty comfortable financially but it just feels like mindless spending and usually overpriced.
DD is 7 and as she's got older I've explained to her that gift shops are often expensive and shown her the same item on Amazon for half the price. Sometimes the shops can have some decent toys but I have searched for it on Vinted and got a bargain - that gives a bit of time for her to make sure she still wants it and teaches delayed gratification.

We’ve been out and done an activity today that she really wanted to do, but because I refused to buy her a £20 pencil case after all hell has broken loose.
^

LIke to a museum/play center/ etc??

If so, I wouldn't take her again for another year

She's obviously too immature

shes probably being influenced by social trends in her school

I can't get my head around why not simply tell your DD no, you don't have enough money to buy a new pencil case.

My 7 year old DD is awful for this. I leave her at home if I can because even a trip to Tesco becomes a battle. I swear to god we could go to b&q and she would be happy if I gave in and she came out with a piece of fucking wood or something.
I never give in but it honestly gets no better…. She still thinks it’s worth a fall out with me over a pot of slime or a squishy toy!

At that age mine certainly didn’t because they knew they would be wasting their time, DH and I both agreed early on that clear and consistent boundaries was the way to go and having both grown up in families where money was tight treats were finite. I also never let them linger in the gift shop on the way out of places - why do that to yourself or them. Kids who whine for stuff constantly have usually learnt that eventually you will give in.

I would go back to having pocket money, with the option to earn extra for chores. You could put a 'price list' on the fridge. Don't be too generous OR too stingy with payment for each chore, you want to strike the balance between her understanding the value of money (and having to work for it), but you don't want the monetary reward to be so small it's not worth bothering doing the chore.

This would put her completely in control as to what she buys and when. Right now, you're the Magical ATM that pumps out unlimited money, all she has to do is whine/sulk/plead enough and in the right order. She can't ever think 'you're' depriving her of anything this way, because she can earn the money for whatever she wants. She decides whether or not she gets something.

An added bonus might well be that she becomes more discerning about what tat to buy. She'll see that overpriced pencil case that she hasn't even taken the tags off because she didn't really want it, she just wanted something shiny and new and start to work out whether the pencil case was really worth all the boring chores she had to do, or whether she could have bought something she'd have liked more with the same money.

Kindly, I take my kids out, park, swimming, museum etc, sometimes for a meal, but we've decided that apart from things they need, we don't buy unless it's Christmas, birthday or if they had an award at school or something like that. Do you see that as depriving them? Maybe shift your focus, you do nice things with her, you obviously care about her, saying no to an item isn't depriving her. Firstly, things are expensive, and secondly, managing expectations now will set her up for when she's older, and it will help kerb that behaviour. It's not great now but a tantruming demanding teenager will be even harder work

Dont! Stepdaughter 16 this year and wants dinner at the shard!!!

I'm quite often amused by how many toddlers and up you see having tantrums,stomps around shops and parents moaning about it but actually feeding that behaviour. Our teen-agers and our 3 under 4s will all walk about shops looking but not touching and not asking. They know if mummy and daddy have spare money we will let them know they may pick something, bring them up spoilt end up looking spoilt brats

I get that's pricey but it's not the same as emotional blackmail every time they are in a shop

Of course but i wouldnt buy her it she should appreciate your out with her. I think kids need to learn when they ask they dont auto matically get. Things are earnt chores etc. they do good they get a treat. Let them throw the tantrum let them learn. Ur the parent not them u work for the money not them.

Suggestion: why not sit down when she's in a good mood and set out some new rules on family spending. Explain that you need to start a savings account to save up for /holidays/her uni fees/her driving lessons/your pension/whatever. She can have x amount of pocketmoney for fun stuff and treats but there won't be anymore unnecessary spending. Repeat kindly but firmly as necessary.

My 5 year old gets pocket money. They know they can use this to buy something if they want, usually it’s tat from a gift shop so we encourage them towards the cheapest thing like a £1 squishy toy. Other times they don’t want to spend their money.

If they don’t want to spend their own money we take a photo so it can go on birthday/ Christmas list.

I would go back to pocket money for your DD and if she doesn’t have enough she has to save or have it for birthday/ Christmas (don’t put towards it). She’s old enough to understand.

My 4yo DS is like this. I make clear from the outset whether something is a buying day or a non buying day. On a non buying day we can look and take photos for birthday / Christmas list. It does work and he doesn’t tantrum over it but I do find it exhausting how he just always wants something new, makes me feel like he isn’t happy with what he’s got. Hoping if we keep firm he will be out of it by 9 mind you!

Thank you for all the advice.

I’ve seen many toddlers tantruming in the shops however I don’t know the child or the parents. I don’t know if the child is ND suffering with autism. I’m not sure I would go to bed happy that night knowing I was ‘amused’ at ‘spoilt brats’ oblivious to the parents/childs struggle.

It’s nice your children can understand that they can have something if you have spare money but not every child is capeable of understanding this. Please try not to judge others.

@Bexboujie It’s difficult to start a thread about poor behaviour from a child aged 9 and not expect some smugness and advice! Tantrums are not just what ND children do. Plenty of dc whinge and have tantrums because they know it works. So what are you going to do about your DD having read all the advice?

I’m more than happy to accept smugness and advice based in my situation.

The reason why I responded to this comment and I’m probably projecting so apologies but a child in DD class father died recently and since then the child is struggling mentally and has outbursts of rage. The mum now daren’t take him out due to smirks and judgemental stares she has recieved from by standers. She is working with the relevant services to help her child. She’s doing everything right. Appreciate people don’t know this is the case and yes most times I’m sure it is just a case of the child not getting their way. Because I’ve seen first hand how this spoilt brat way of thinking can have a massive impact on someone who is already dealing with a lot I never create my own narrative for anothers situation.

But I’m going to try pocket money again to see if it helps. Make a list of chores and how much the chore is worth so DD can earn the money and hopefully understand it’s value.

The only other thing I'd do is I'd shut down the whinging as soon as it starts. If she follows you around moaning about whatever you didn't buy I'd tell her to stop and go and find something else to do. I'm not convinced that all emotions need lots of validation.

I don't often take mine (7, 4) into shops because it's much easier. I'm on my own with them and they understand that money is finite.
Some tips I use when I need to take them in somewhere like Tesco:

1. Tell them what we're looking for and what's on the list. Be very clear that we aren't buying anything not on the list before we get out of the car/ in the shop.
2. If they see something they like (those irritating toy end of aisle displays), I let them take a picture of it to remember what it is etc. It very rarely ever comes back up in conversation, if ever.
3. Quick in and out with motivation (right let's get this done and we'll go home and do baking/have a film while I cook/play a game together).