Do your kids constantly want things?

[Bexboujie]

DD is 9 and I do get occasional treats for her but honestly everytime we go out or do anything she just wants more. We’ve been out and done an activity today that she really wanted to do, but because I refused to buy her a £20 pencil case after all hell has broken loose. It’s turned a nice day into a bad one. This is a common occurrence. Then it turns into well I’ll have this istead it’s only £7. She doesn’t even actually want the thing half the time. It makes me not want to go anywhere that sells anything.

What frustrates me the most is the times when she’s been good and does get something for example a squishy toy or a new drinks bottle after a day it’s forgotton about and never used/played with again.

Do most children do this?

Mine did until I started giving them pocket money to spend on things they want. If they have the money then they can buy it. If not then they will have to save up.

I have a 10 year old who does the same. She's usually a reasonable and sensible child but once we are in a shop it's like the 'instant shopping gratification' cloud descends and she NEEDs to buy something. If we don't, it's tantrum, if we do it's forgotten in 24 hours. House is full of clutter and money is being wasted on more. Sadly I've had to cut down taking her places due to this (until she grows out of it).

No, but at nine she's learned what works. I would give mine a budget if (and only if) they were being given a treat day and when it was gone, that was it. It's good to learn budgeting early too.
Time to get tough. She'll soon learn. Two of my DS were ND so strong boundaries were essential.
I had crap Birthdays and Christmases as a child and will admit I go OTT (MN would be horrified, especially as they're all adults now). It had nothing to do with the amount spent. I didn't want to be embarrassed and miserable every time we went anywhere.

Yes my 10 year old is exactly like this.
He is currently winging because because he wants to go to the big 24 hour Asda (to buy a Lego set for no justifies reason)

Has no idea of the concept of money.
He is an only child so I've always thought it was because we've spoiled him his whole
life.
When he gets given money (tried pocket money) he spends every penny he has.

Does she get pocket money? Maybe this is a good opportunity if she doesn't. Before you got out say to her what is going to happen and what you will buy eg ice cream. If she wants anything else she can use her money. Set the expectation early.

Yeah I’ve tried pocket money but then the expectation is if she hasn’t got enough for what she wants I put the rest towards it. When I say no she’ll buy something she doesn’t want then sulk over the thing she does want. I might re visit the pocket money idea and give it another go.

It’s hard because I don’t want her to grow up thinking my mum never let me have anything and I don’t deprive her by any means. We had a girly day last month because I’d been working a lot more than normal and I wanted to have some quality time together. We went to the cinema at the local shopping centre and popped into Zara because we were early. She saw a little bag that she liked for £15 so I said well you can have it as a treat seen as it’s our girly day but that’s your treat for today and it did work she didn’t ask for anything else that day. That bag is in her room with the tags still on never used. And I want to be able to occasionally buy the odd treat but I’m considering stopping even that because maybe it’s led to confusion.

Since we’ve got home she’s followed me around the house pleading with me to buy this pencil case as it’s ‘the only thing that will make me happy’ and ‘I’ll make up with you when you get it me.’ It’s draining.

I decided in the end, no to anything on days out. They get Christmas, Easter and holiday toy. That is it. Then I buy on need. Ride it out and then it gets better.

No. I won't entertain pestering or whinging for stuff.
They have pocket money to buy things they want and to save a bit for birthday and Christmas gifts for friends and family.
When it's gone it's gone until the next week.
Sometimes I will treat them to something when we go out and they're really grateful because it doesn't happen all the time.

Bloody hell why are people putting up with this behaviour? No means no, end of. No discussion.
@Bexboujie letting your child use emotional blackmail on you is unacceptable. Be strong and there have to be consequences to her behaviour.

My eldest never did this but my youngest does. 10 now and getting slightly better but whenever we went anywhere he was constantly asking for this, that. Get home and he would be looking at stuff to get off amazon.
The only thing that worked was being consistent, saying no and meaning it.

Two if mine are like this, one never wants anything. For the eldest pocket money works. He hates spending his own money. For the youngest we take a photo so we can buy it for his next birthday, Xmas etc. That seems to keep him happy and some he remembers for the next present buying opportunity and others are forgotten.

I've not had this from my DC. If they want to buy something, I always suggest looking for it second hand because it is more sustainable. They get a lot of messages about sustainability at school so they know it is important. DH and I also try to buy second hand so they see us modelling that choice. I always suggest buying something that lasts too. No point buying a pencil case unless it will last a lifetime. Ditto a water bottle.

They do chores for pocket money so I always relate the price of a 'thing' to that 'work'. So the £20 pencil case in question is worth 4 weeks 'work'.

Err - no, I didn’t let mine get away with that. I started young - one of them tantrummed in the ELC about a toy when we were buying a birthday gift for his cousin. I marched him out of there as fast as possible. It sounds like yours has got used to getting quite a lot so you’re going to have to put your foot down now. I’d tell her no, and to stop asking or she’ll get nothing until (birthday, Easter, Christmas).

And take the bag back to the shop and get a refund. She clearly doesn’t value it.

It’s hard because I don’t want her to grow up thinking my mum never let me have anything and I don’t deprive her by any means.
You know she's not deprived so why would she grow up thinking you never let her have anything?
Wouldn't you rather she grew up learning to manage money and be grateful for what she has?

We had a girly day last month because I’d been working a lot more than normal and I wanted to have some quality time together. We went to the cinema at the local shopping centre and popped into Zara because we were early. She saw a little bag that she liked for £15 so I said well you can have it as a treat seen as it’s our girly day but that’s your treat for today and it did work she didn’t ask for anything else that day. That bag is in her room with the tags still on never used.
For my kids the cinema would be the treat, anything else they'd use pocket money for.
Take the bag back!

Agree, bag goes back

We gave pocket money so they could make spending choices. We didn’t add to it most of the time. At times though we would. Depended on what they wanted to buy. However on holiday we went to numerous museums and shops attached to attractions and they didn’t buy anything at the majority. If we went to Zara, it’s because they needed clothes. So we bought something we had intended to buy.

You really need to say no to a whinging 9 year old. As she keeps spoiling the day, make rules about the day and stop going into shops to kill time. Teach her about sustainability and not having a house full of tat. Our DDs had lovely things for birthdays and Christmas but not instant tat all the time.

I think you need to go cold Turkey and it's new rules.

A discussion about your disappointment in her behaviour today.

Pocket money & she has to save up. Start chore options to earn extra?

Take photos of things she would like to buy and she needs to consider things for at least a week before making a purchase.

Take the bag back before she ends up like those adult shopaholics with tagged shopping bags in their closet.

The only thing that worked for me was to avoid the shops and always say no. Also, encourage them to get a job at 16 so they know how hard it is to earn a tenner.

Yep, we do this too (and have done since they were small). Their birthdays are both in May/June, which helps.

Now that they're older they get pocket money, so they can save that up to buy things if they want to. They don't even think to ask for things when we're out, to be honest (we also don't buy ourselves random treats all that often, so maybe that feeds in too).

OP, it's ok to say no, and she needs to know that that means no. It's not mean - it's teaching her how life works, which is your job as a parent.

This is the very definition of spoiled.

Do you actually eset her expectations before you go out?
"Today we are going to Nandos and the cinema. If we are early we might look around a few shops but I'm not buying anything today so if you think you might like something go and get your purse."

Or if she doesn't have money with her and wants something she pays you back immediately on the return home.

You've re-enforced her behaviour. You need to taje her out as often as possible, stand your ground, abd buy her nothing. If you don't, she will continue with this learned behaviour and potentially get even worse.
No pain no gain I'm afraid ... it is bad parenting that has led you to this point.

No, I have 4 children. The oldest is 10. There is absolutely no way they’d act like this! Even for my 4 year old, I ‘take a photo’ for their birthday.

I would be very disappointed if my older children (10 & 8) ruined a day out with that sort of behaviour.

Mine are fairly easily contented, most of the time, part their personality and I think part that when they were small and asking for everything that grabbed their attention, their father and I would say we'll put it on their wishlist.

Then on the next gift giving occasion, we'd talk about the things they've wanted and seen that quite a bit of it they don't remember or have interest in any more. Now they run their own wishlists most of the time, and we'll talk about what's on top - my youngest (13) now has a list of games he wants, and earlier this week was going on about where he had seen them cheapest...