4 year old breaking things intentionally

[Hope54321]

Hey guys, I’m in need of some advice. My 4 year old is showing signs of asd so waiting for nursery to refer him for an assessment. He is verbal and communicates in sentences mainly, but is a little behind for his age.

Now, every single day when told not to do something (e.g “don’t rock the baby’s rocker napper too hard, do it gently”), he screams extremely loud, throws things, slams doors and breaks things around the house, such as the remote, toys and other things. He also hits us when we try to comfort him. I end up sending him to his room for 5 minutes as he is extremely difficult to calm down and feel like he needs to be in a separate room when he get like this.

What can I do to help him regulate his emotions better and stop him from damaging things in the house?

Is there any chance at all he feels pushed out

Look up Pathalogical Demand Avoidance. Rather than asking him not to do something, use distraction away from the activity. My DS has Autism and ADHD and sometimes he will be loud or rough with things due to sensory overload. Experiment with fidget toys/yoga ball/ ear defenders to help with this.

Could you try asking him to do something rather than not to do something. E.g.

"Don't rock too hard" -> "rock gently/slowly"
"Don't kick the seat" -> "keep your feet on the floor"

Etc. Also pounce on any split second you have where he's doing the 'right' thing and praise it - "look at you being so helpful, thank you!" "Wow, you know just how to rock the baby's chair gently so that she doesn't get scared, I'm so impressed!" etc.

He get a lot of attention from me and his dad. He doesn’t really display any signs of jealousy towards his sibling.

I try this a lot, but it still leads to emotional dysregulation and aggressive behaviour.

At times we don’t even say anything and he randomly starts slamming and breaking things.

Tell him to do things not to not do things.

With PDA instructing a DC to do something can be just as overwhelming as asking them not to. It is more about avoiding instructions where possible which can upset them further or increase tension in the situation.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance

My asd 3 year old will get worse when I ask her to stop something. It's frustrating. Sorry. Try and distract, it's a full time job dealing with asd... I have 2 . Eldest is pda also. Husband ND too...... the stress

From the pov of an autistic/pda adult with similar kids, the words "don't" or "stop" trigger immediate stress, regardless of what comes next or the tone used. Because you're clearly being naughty. You've messed up. I'm a kid that can mean a meltdown, but it can also lead to sabotaging everything else around you - you're already naughty, there's no saving that, so why try?

Small kids especially are catastrophists with no middle gears.

We are very, very careful with phrasing around our pda/ASD kids. Lots of "gentle hands, she's still fragile, her bones aren't strong yet" and that kind of thing. It is hard!