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Parenting

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Original poster

Is it normal for a 4 year to say this?

39 replies

posieflump · 07/05/2008 16:06

My ds has just turned four. When in the park earlier he said out of the blue that he didn't love me, he just loved dd (his little sister) and daddy and that he wanted a fire to come and get me . He gets fire and shooting etc all mixed up. I didn't ask him if he loved me this was totally out of the blue.
Is this normal or should I be concerned? obviously I feel sad that he feels he doesn't love me although tbh he has always been a daddy's boy so I've kind of got used to it iyswim, and we both tell him off, give him cuddles equally I feel

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ConfusedMover · 07/05/2008 16:08

Sounds pretty normal to me, I think most children say this at some time or another...DS does!

Original poster

posieflump · 07/05/2008 16:09

his exact words were 'then a fire would come and you would be dead'
Confusedmover - does your ds say it out of the blue or when he is cross with you?

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WigWamBam · 07/05/2008 16:11

Pretty normal.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you - of course he loves you. It's just that when he's feeling cross with you (and it might be over something you did yesterday, or last week) he has no other way of articulating how he feels.

It can also be attention-seeking; he wants a reaction from you, and thinks that saying he doesn't love you is a pretty good way of getting one!

The best response is not to pay any attention to it. Just say "Oh, really? Because I love you", and walk away. Don't let him see it hurts you.

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WiiMii · 07/05/2008 16:11

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AbbeyA · 07/05/2008 16:13

Pretty normal. I give the same response as WigWamBam. He doesn't mean it.

youknownothingofthecrunch · 07/05/2008 16:13

What Wigwam said. Sounds like an attempt to get a reaction to me. Very normal.

He loves you!

Buckets · 07/05/2008 16:17

The answer you should strive to come back with is a cheery 'Well, I love you!' I have managed to do this on a couple of occasions when baited by my DD and it annoyed her far more than when I said something catty back.

WilyWombat · 07/05/2008 16:20

I used to think my DS was a budding psycho when he used to say "im going to get a knife and kill you" but I have to say (having now had more experience)this is quite normal

fryalot · 07/05/2008 16:22

all of mine have, at one stage or another, said this to me.

My stock response is something along the lines of: "it doesn't matter whether you love me or not, because I love you enough for both of us"

They only mean it when they get to be a teenager, and even then they only mean it until you give them that chocolate bar or let them go to that party, and they they really, really, really, love you

WigWamBam · 07/05/2008 16:24

The other thing to bear in mind is that they become quite fascinated by the idea of death at around this age, whilst still not being entirely aware of what death actually means.

Perhaps he has been playing with other children who have been playing "bang, bang, you're dead" games, or talking about the baddies being killed in Doctor Who or some other programme they have watched.

Either way, he doesn't mean it - he doesn't fully understand what he has said.

serenity · 07/05/2008 16:26

DD says this a lot. She's normally swapping her loyalties between DS1 and 2 though. Me she always loves, but that's not a plus tbh.....'Why are you squashing me?.....because I loooove you', 'Why are you hurting me?.......because I looooove you' 'Why are you poking me with that fork?......because I looooove^ you'

4 YOs have a very odd idea of love I think.

AbbeyA · 07/05/2008 16:36

My eldest DS was always going to shoot me in my bed when he was about six! He has turned out normal and we have a good relationship!

nellyraggbagg · 07/05/2008 16:41

Yep, it's normal. My just-six-year-old DS's current one is telling me that he's going to chop my head off if I tell him not to do something or deny him something he wants. He says the same about his v nice teacher (though not to her, needless to say...)

beaniesteve · 07/05/2008 16:44

Why guns and shooting and fire? What has he been watching/reading/doing?

Original poster

posieflump · 07/05/2008 16:49

thanks everyone
I think the guns and shoorting and fire are from playgroup
They are all into goodies and baddies and he often says to us 'I am going to trap you' like PC Plod 'traps' Sly and Gobbo

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AbbeyA · 07/05/2008 17:48

Guns, shooting and fire are normal boy things. I was anti toy guns or anything in that line and yet it was the first thing he made with duplo.

pagwatch · 07/05/2008 17:59

none of mine have done this. I was told by two of them that they loved DH more than me. And DD said she loves the dog more than me too
but never had I hate you and never ever had any i want you to die or kill you or anything like it

nellyraggbagg · 07/05/2008 18:40

DS told me that he loved his cuddle blanket more than DH or me!!

And DD allegedly loves Cinderella more than anyone. ("Cinderella would let me do it...", she says when I tell her not to do something)>

I think guns/shooting/fire/beheading are just things that occur to (most) boys. My DS doesn't watch TV (he thinks it's boring), reads books on cathedrals and textile production (oh yes...), and his main male role model (my DH) is an academic and writer, and not exactly a macho type. I'm sure some boys are gentle souls, but the majority go in for some form of aggressive behaviour/talk!

Joash · 07/05/2008 18:42

Normal - just asked GS to get his pyjamas on and he replied -"if you help me, I will love you and be your friend. If you don't I won't love you and you can't be my friend or my mummy any more." LOVELY !!!! but normal.

Blu · 07/05/2008 18:44

I think DS was 3 when he told me 'I hope a space rocket will come down from the sky and land on your head and burn you up with it's flames'

We still have a good relationship

I sometimes think they experiment with the unthinkable - as a way of proving to themselves how important the reality really is.

lilQuidditchKel · 07/05/2008 18:46

Jaysus. I'm absolutley aching for my 2.2 yr old to start talking, and I'd be so stunned if this sort of thing eventually came out of his mouth!!! You all recommend not reacting, but I'm pretty sure I'd dissolve into tears straight away!! !!

Joash · 07/05/2008 18:53

Then we have just had the following conversation;
GS; "If Saffy (our dog) dies soon can we have another one?"
ME; "Saffy won't die for quite a while yet"
GS; "What if Trotsky (the cat) gets a disease and gets very poorly and then has to have his leg cut off and then dies? Can I have a puppy than?"
ME: "Err, No. We have had Saffy and Trotsky for a long time, but I think they will be here for a long time yet, probably until you area big boy."
GS; "But if they got poison from a bad person, can I have a new puppy?"
ME; "They won't get poisoned, because, they don't go anywhere on their own and they only eat what we give them, and people don't really poison nice animals"
GS: "But what if a plane fell out of the sky and squished them, can I have a puppy then?"
Me: "Yes, if a plane falls out of the sky and squshesthem - you can have a new puppy."
GS; "When the next plane fly's over our house, can I put Saffy and Trotsky in the garden?"
Me:
He's 5.

hertsnessex · 07/05/2008 18:55

Don't take it personally - i wouldnt give it a second thought.

Original poster

posieflump · 07/05/2008 19:17

oh yes he makes lego into 'shooters' and used to run around shouting 'pill, pill' before I twigged he meant 'kill'!

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ellideb · 07/05/2008 19:18

No, don't take it personally, I remember screaming at my mum "I HATE YOU, I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!!!" When I was about 4yrs old, all because she chucked away an old box I'd hoarded and wouldn't keep in my bedroom when she had asked me several times to do so. Believe me, i felt guilty for years afterwards and really scared in case anything happened to her and she died before 'finding out' how much i actually did love her after all! (I apologised for it years later when I was about 13!) she didn't even remember it! I always thought that she handled my tantrums and outbursts well though, she either ignored me or bundled me off to my bedroom! The most important thing is to be consistent with your son and make sure he knows you love him and that never changes, regardless of what he says and does.

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