Advice for rebuilding relationship & mutual respect with teen daughter

[Overcomingtheodds]

I'm seeking any and all advice regarding idea for rebuilding my daughters view of and trust in me. Her & I were super close until I found myself in a very dangerous & abusive relationship a few years back. Which led me to sending her to her Dads house to live temporarily as I worked towards being able to get myself safely out and back on my feet. It's been 2 years now since I was able to do so but she has so much anger and hatred towards me for things I did or said while in my abusive relationship of 4 years. Most were done with intentions/beliefs I was protecting her, but she disagrees and believes lying is lying regardless of intention and claims she will never be able to fully forgive me or trust me. I take accountability for my failures and am trying so hard to repair the harm caused to her from the relationship and it's after effects. She is so mean and hurtful and extremely disrespectful towards me, which I have been trying to put an end too after a year of just tolerating and accepting it because I felt I deserved it. But every time I set boundaries or try to discipline her she throws it all back up in my face till I usually have to excuse myself to hide the tears that come with her cruel words and treatment towards me. Her father is no help because he is very bitter and hateful towards me as well which only amplifies her beliefs and treatment of me. She refuses to get professional help with me to better our relationship and says she doesn't want to come back to living with me and wants to stay with her Dad. Ty for any help/advice given

What lies did you tell her OP?

Oh OP I’m sorry, you’ve both been through a lot by the sounds of it. Well done to you for getting out of the relationship.

This is such a tough one, I always parent with “you might not understand now but you will when you’re older” in mind. It’s a long wait but I’m sure she’ll feel awful when she’s older and realises just what you’ve been through, that obviously doesn't make it any easier right now though.

it’s hard that she won’t speak to a professional with you as that would be the best thing given what you’ve both been through. Is there any activity you can both do to enjoy some time together? Maybe now isn’t the time to address everything if she’s not open to it but are you able to still enjoy each others company somewhat?

I'm a bit confused by the timeline. Did she live with you for part of the time you were in your bad relationship

How long has she lived with her dad?

It sounds as though she has been through a lot of trauma and felt abandoned by you.

You did absolutely the right thing in getting her out of an abusive household but it might have come across that you chose your abuser over her. I'm also wondering what she witnessed.

Children are deeply affected by abuse and understand a lot more than you realise. She could probably benefit from some trauma based counselling.

She has every right to be angry with you as you brought a dangerous man into her home. Have you apologised? Have you listened to her without excuses or defensiveness?

You could contact Family Lives for advice and support.

OP - it will help if you engage on the thread you've started.