DD is acting spoiled and it’s affecting her relationships

[MrsBurt]

My DD (12) is behaving really spoiled and unpleasant. I like to think we don’t spoil her but in reality she has no responsibilities at home and her dad is wrapped around her finger.

Examples of her behaviour is asking to have her phone in bed for 15 minutes, but then insisting her father or I collect the phone so she isn’t tempted by it and can get to sleep. Or not letting her brother use the PlayStation, not because she wants it but because she wants to sit in the living room and not be disturbed by it. She kicks up such a fuss that we end up relenting.

This week she came home from school and said that in 5 of her 6 lessons she had to work on her own because no one would work with her, and I can’t help but think that I’m not surprised, because if she speaks to her peers the same way she speak to us or her little brother no one would want to work with her.

She has so much potential, but she is very rigid. There are potentially some autistic tendencies which makes her lack empathy and be unwilling to compromise, but I don’t want her suffering socially and would appreciate any advice to nip this behaviour in the bud.

I think when parents say potentially some autistic tendencies, they are slightly in a place of denial. I was waiting to read something like ND. My son is Autistic.

Secondary will get harder. Can you look at getting assessed?

Ref the playstation, I kind of agree with her there.

"Or not letting her brother use the PlayStation, not because she wants it but because she wants to sit in the living room and not be disturbed by it."

Why is this a measure of being spoiled? The living room is a shared space. It shouldn't be that anyone who wants a bit of quiet has to go to their room (hopefully with good sound insulation) because anyone can put on whatever noisy thing in the shared spaces all the time. Your son should be able to play on the playstation sometimes, but certainly not all the time. Your examples don't indicate whether she wants it her way all the time or whether you just object to her having it her way some of the time because you don't see it as an acceptable thing to want and get.

It’s more because the PlayStation is only in one room, whereas she could relax in the other sitting room or her own room. We tried offering her the main living room for an hour and then him the room for an hour, but that invariably results in arguments because she wants her way all the time.

I think denial is possibly right, and when she’s had social difficulties at primary school I’ve suggested potential neurodivergence to her dad/ teachers, and been shut down. She’s a high achiever and attends stage school, participating in professional performances regularly. I think sometimes people just don’t see beyond that.

Every one shut me down too, including my ex ( father). The school blocked the assessment by putting no information in the request to assess. They can be arseholes. We ended up paying for a private assessment. I know this is not an option for many.

She sounds Autistic with PDA traits like my son. An overwhelming need for autonomy and control drives behaviour. Hence the dominating of things and being bossy and arguing back.

As secondary school progresses this will get harder. A diagnosis helps you understand, it helps her most importantly know who she is and it does kick the school in the bum a bit more. She's going to need some flexibility in her life to manage.

Because the school shuts you down I'd ask the GP. You have to say ' I strongly believe she is and want support requesting an assessment' Maybe secondary will help you more than primary did in applying for an assessment.

Because she has an overwhelming need for control I'd let her have it where you can. The playstation thing - if she owns it it's her right to say no really to brother. I agree with that. If it's shared then compromise is needed so he's happy but she is too. She might be noise sensitive so this is more of a problem for her listening to it.

With the phone stuff, just be very clear on what you want and expect her to be bossy still. You just explain why you're not doing that for her. Tell her ' it needs to go away and you need to put it in the kitchen. You can have it in the kitchen by 8.45pm or by 9pm. You choose. '

Giving choice really helps alot of problems.

My son tries get me to go do everything and get drinks for him and I'm really ill with my health! You have to spell out why you are not doing it.

I would ask the school if there is any help for her socially. Explain that she has to sit on her own in most lessons and she is becoming isolated.

She does sound spoilt. Surely you don't give in to collecting her phone? Either she brings it down, it she doesn't have it in bed to start with ( probably the best situation anyway at 12).
What are the consequences when she kicks off about her brother? He doesn't get to play or she gets sent to her room?
You need to be reinforcing boundaries now or else teens are going to get really nasty for everyone.

So she has other options, but chooses to ignore them. Instead, she kicks up a fuss, and wins because everyone caves. Sorry to say, you could be encouraging her princess behaviour. She’s learnt by being awkward, she gets what she wants.

Also, she has trained you to do as she says, ie, get her phone. She could easily bring it downstairs before going off to sheep, or leave it downstairs earlier. She seems to have you running around her.