Mum never visits me

[Bjem]

Hiya,
So I live 3 hours from family who I am close to. I visit them with my 4 and 7 year old about 3 times a year. When I visit we have a lovely time and spend good time together. We are close and i speak with mum a few times a week on the phone. However, my mother or sister haven't visited me in years. My sister has visited once in 6 years and my mum hasn't visited in 3 years. Previous to that she may come once a year. Mum always says I will be up this holiday or that holiday but it never happens. I always say we would love her to come and she is welcome whenever. As time is passing I am starting to feel a bit hurt that she never visits. She goes on holiday with friends but hasn't visited me in 3 years. I would love her to come. Not just for me but for my kids. I had such involved grandparents and had hoped they would have the same. My dad comes up regularly (they are divorced) which I am so grateful for.
Husbands parents live 20 mins away and visit every 8 weeks or we go to see them. They also don't show much interest. But we invite them to come over or go to theirs. I guess I feel like the kids are missing out. I just want them to have some relationship with their grandparents but it doesn't seem to be happening.
Is anyone in the same situation or can offer me advice about what to do?
Thanks x

Sounds like your mum is getting on with her own life.
She`s raised her family so now its her time to do what she wants and put her self first.
You have your own family now to raise maybe call each other more not all grandparents want to be around kids.
Just because your grandparents was hands on dont mean you mum as to do the same.
As hard as that sounds but thats life we all move in different directions as life goes on not all parents grow in to what there parents did or done or do.

That seems a bit harsh spacepies - OP isn’t asking for childcare, just for her mum to visit. It makes it sound like having children is a prison sentence and once you’ve done your time that’s it.

Have you talked about it with your mum to share how you feel? Do you think she prefers having people to stay rather than being away from home? Maybe you could pick a few specific dates and ask her if those would work for a visit.

I sort of have the opposite problem as my dad visits regularly, but rarely invites us to his house. I haven’t actually seen his wife in about 3 years. He has a fairly good relationship with my children despite them almost never going to his house, but it’s not as close as I had with my grandparents, who used to come and stay a few times per year.

I would specifically invite her next time you are on the phone.
"Mum, we'd really like it if you would come and stay for a few days. Let's find a date now, whilst we are on the phone".
Make it specific, not general.

My family didn't visit me for 15 years. No reason just couldn't be bothered. Broke my heart. Try to accept it. Frankly they are the lovers in this.

I am in the same position OP and I sympathise. My mum moved 3 hours away after her divorce and then married a new husband who is poorly a lot. As a result, she has not travelled to us for nearly 5 years. But my MIL is worse - she says she is agoraphobic and hasn’t visited us for 15 years since our daughter was born! She is able to leave the house for things she wants to do (visit M&S etc) but won’t drive to us or get the train and let my husband pick her up. I do get upset about both situations - our kids are teenagers now and have busy social and sporting lives and it would be much nicer for us if they visited here as we find it hard to carve out whole weekends for visits. But we’ve just had to accept it and emotionally I guess I have pulled back a bit as a result. If either of them want lots of care in their old age, I can’t guarantee I would provide it willingly in all honesty.

If people aren't visiting there is a reason most likely candidates are:

getting older and can't be bothered with the travel hassle (going on holiday is different because it isn't the same as driving in a car for 3 hours there and 3 hours back - or dealing with train delays and so on). 20 minutes is a massive difference to 3 hours. I'm probably half your mother's age but there are very few people I could be arsed to travel 3 hours to see. I'd combine it with a plan to stay over some where. If you go there and back in a day that is most of the day travelling.

doesn't want to visit because won't enjoy it for operational reasons (things like - wouldn't want to drive back at night or there and back in one day - but doesnt want to stay because you don't have the room/ no nice hotel nearby or can't afford a hotel/wouldn't be comfortable on the sofa bed/would feel awkward and uncomfortable in another home/wants their own bed).

doesn'nt want to visit because someone is there that they don't like or get on with - partner they dislike/thinks doesn't treat you right/ don't get on with the inlaws who they think will be there/ don't really get on with the grandchildren and think they are bratty or rude or undisciplined.

By visiting every 8 weeks do you mean that your mother and father in laws only see their grandkids once every two months despite being a short drive away (20 mins by car is just a trip to the shops if you are even semi-rural)?

That is perhaps more interesting than your mother only seeing her grandkids once every 4 months being 3 hours away.

As you are close to your mother, invite her down, make a firm plan and hold her to it. If she won't keep to the agreed plan, ask her why and tell her how it has made you feel.

I'm in this same situation. My daughter turns 8 in 3 weeks and last time my mum, dad, sister visited she was 3 weeks old. They holiday in the canary islands but can't visit me. Its really hurtful. It does damage the relationship. It is also hard to explain to children why 'family' don't visit but go abroad.ive repeatedly asked them to visit and they have started to be really rude to me about it. When I say other parents the same age can travel they say 'good for them'. I've never asked them to do anything for me just one thing. Ivr been left wandering if they would ever come if something happened to one of us and the answer in my head is 'no'. I've visited them all in hospital or straight after but when I've been in hospital they send a card. You start to realise the importance people give you and you are rightly annoyed. It's the subtext that speaks.

Are they all retired or do they work?

If working and in their late 50s or 60s, they are probably tired and the last thing they want is a weekend with small energetic children. Energy levels can drop significantly at that age.

Retired. When we visit they don't do much. I'm not retired though, both my husband and me work, kids have 14hrs of afterschool clubs, managed solely by the 2 if us. We don't have time for anything really but do manage to visit them. Ive realised if I hadn't visited the past 8 years I would be estranged.