Managing a DD that reacts badly to being told off

[Dad22DDs]

Hello all,

I am looking for some advice.

My daughter, who is 12 years old, has been struggling recently with puberty and the transition from primary to secondary school. In addition her relationship with her mum has become more tense and strained. In particular she has very heightened sensitivity to stress.

One area where this particularly presents itself is when she is told off. Like any tween she does things she shouldn't do and when she does she gets reprimanded, but she reacts badly to this, describing it as being shouted at, even when voices aren't being raised. Yesterday evening she had an argument with her mum and this resulted in her self harming at school this morning.

I'm trying to come up with a different way of handling this, how do I reprimand her when she has done something wrong but in a non stressful way? We can't not pull her up on this stuff, else how will she learn, but equally I want to find a way to do this which reduces the stress.

Anyone have any solutions that have worked for them?

Thanks

Is she neurotypical? My DS does the same, and he has been like that since he was little. I follow gentle parenting, so natural consequences and explanations rather than telling off. I can't in any way raise my voice or sound cross or impatient. Obviously I do sometimes but I try not to.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen is a good book.

Editing to add I agree with PPs saying rejection sensitivity is something to look into. Low Demand Parenting might be another good book to look at.

Expectations between the two of you need to be managed and agreed.

I read about transactional analysis and try to talk to my dc adult ego state to adult ego state so we both stay calm and talk about the behaviour, why it's an issue and what we're going to do about it. My dc is neurodiverse and has rsd and if I wait to talk to them when they are calm and we talk reasonably I get positive response/ apology. If I sound angry or critical it would trigger a meltdown.

I think it depends on how you are telling her off or disciplining her. I have a child who is sensitive to reprimands so we usually talk about house rules during family meetings when nothing has happened so we are routinely talking about the kind of language, behaviour, house-keeping standards etc that are ok in a shared house. When we have these conversations we also talk a lot about the natural consequences that will happen when the house rules don't get followed eg. If they don't bring down laundry they don't have any fresh, clean clothes and that will be their responsibility. If they don't get up in the morning or take ages in the shower then they will be late for school. If they are unkind or mean, then people will not want to spend time with them or do nice things for them. This means that you have to follow through with these natural consequences no matter how uncomfortable it is for you. But what it means is you aren't actually disciplining or rowing constantly. You don't need to raise voices or have arguments. The rules and consequences are clear. The family meetings are important because you can talk about how your child feels about the behaviour that is expected of her and change some rules depending on what they say. So for example, if your child has attention issues and forgets their gym kit routinely you can agree that you will remind them to pack it the night before once but if they don't do it when they are reminded then that is their responsibility.

You should not be shouting at her as a form of discipline or nit picking at her. But if she needs telling she needs telling. Cause and effect - behave yourself and you won’t get told off!

Except for the self harm, I think this is just being 12. They don’t like being told what to do and they always think you are shouting when you are not.

I think you need to separate this from the self harm to a degree and get her support for that. But you should be able to sit down with her (when she is calm) and have a conversation about behaviour and expectations.

My ND 16 year old has always been similar to this. I used to think it was because his big brother was a little bugger as a child, and he grew up watching him kicking off a lot and us trying desperately to handle it , so he became anxious about noise etc.
However, I now think it could be linked to his ND

Very similar to @Jumblebum

As you haven't given an example of thing she is doing wrong I can only tell you how I came at this. If I see that something has been left out, my approach would be what things can we help you with to remember to put it back? It gives them problem solving ownership. You can offer to help, a chart to remind her of things she needs to do such as chores or what to take to school on certain days. You need to set children up to succeed.

The very first thing you need to tell her is that you love her and want her to be happy and talk to her. We had "family meetings" where anyone in the family could raise anything from bed times, phone use, pocket money, we discussed things and everyone got their say.

I did the natural consequences thing like scissors need to be returned to the next person knows where to find them rather than you didn't put the scissors away. We drew lines under things, it has happened and what do we do going forward? No shouting, there has never been raised voices in this house just talking, setting a tone of communication.