When does it get easier going from one child to two?

[Kathleen995]

Hi everyone

I’m the mum of two little boys, with almost exactly a two year gap between them. DS1 is 2.4 years, DS2 is 4 months. And I’m really struggling with the intensity of it all.

I know the relentless nature of parenting young children is no hot take, but the problem is I feel I have it relatively easy compared to some. My mum helps out with DS1 two days a week, he’s in nursery 1.5 days a week and my partner’s job is fairly flexible so he looks after him the other 1.5 days a week (and we both obviously look after both boys at the weekend) so I rarely have both of them on my own for longer than 2-3 hours. I have never taken them both out by myself as I find the idea far too overwhelming (DS1 is very active and won’t go in the buggy). Both boys are very good sleepers, DS1 has slept 7-7 since about 6 months and DS2 currently sleeps from about 9-7.30, waking around 5.30 for a feed (bf) and sleeping again until 7.30.

DS1 was breastfed and DS2 is currently breastfed. Breastfeeding has always been very straightforward for me with no issues, both quick, vaginal births with no prolonged recovery period.

I had suspected prenatal depression with DS1 due to anxiety about being a mum/if I had chosen the right path etc but this disappeared and when he was born I was instantly in love and enjoyed being a mum so much more than I’d thought (both my pregnancies were planned, by the way!)

I always knew I wanted more than one child and had heard “cautionary tales” about the jump from 1-2 but it honestly feels so difficult and my life, despite having two beautiful boys, feels quite empty. My partner is on a decent salary but I’m currently on SMP so he is covering all of our bills, mortgage and household expenses. That means there’s nothing left for a cleaner, a babysitter or extra nursery days so our house constantly looks a complete mess, isn’t as clean as it should be and my partner and I don’t get any time alone outside the house as we can’t afford a babysitter, I feel guilty leaving my mum with both boys as I myself find it difficult and DS2 is still breastfeeding so it’s a bit of a tie.

When DS2 naps I end up trying to tackle laundry, cleaning, cooking or some other domestic task. I constantly feel overstimulated and stressed out, and like every single minute of the day is taken up by either a child needing me or a household task that needs doing and if I do get a rare hour to myself (ie when DS2 naps) I feel too exhausted to do anything productive like exercise etc so just end up scrolling my phone or watching tv. I have no social life, and my only exercise is going out for walks with DS2 in the carrier.

My partner was very active/sociable before we had kids and I know he finds it very difficult not being able to exercise or see his friends as much. His job is also quite senior and stressful and he’s explained he’s not very happy just now because of the combination of work, no social life etc and the intensity of the kids. He often offers to look after both boys so I can go out and do stuff, which I know is because he wants me to return the favour at some point, but I honestly don’t feel like I can. I did one full day on my own with them both when DS2 was about 8 weeks old and the dinner/bedtime routine was so unbelievably stressful (DS1 is quite challenging just now and potty training). There was rarely a moment without one or both boys crying between the hours of 5 and 7.30 that I ended up in tears myself and haven’t done it since.

I feel like I’m failing at being a mother by how hard I’m finding this despite having help from my mum/nursery and a partner with a fairly flexible job, plus two good sleepers and a relatively easy baby. I feel guilty for finding it so unenjoyable most of the time and am struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Does it get easier with two kids or do people just get used to the hard work? I’m starting to feel so trapped and I don’t know how normal this is.

I think you are still in the early days of adjusting to a new baby and that is very tiring. As the baby gets older and is able to play with your older son, it takes the pressure off you to entertain them all the time. I have 5 children, the first two have four years between them so it was a shock to system as the oldest was starting school when I had my next son. Children can be hard work but there are also lovely times that equal things out.

I have two with very similar ages too and it is tough! While I'm incredibly jealous of your sleep, I think anyone spending all day with small children has it hard, irregardless of how much rest or help you get.

I didn't bother buying a double buggy for 3 months because my eldest refuses it too, but I needed to get out of the house so badly. It's been a game changer for my mood to get a daily walk. I bribe him in to it with a tray of snacks that take a long time to eat (small squished berries, Cheerios, etc.,) and put a reward at the end of the walk. "If you stay in the buggy we'll go to the playground on the way home." Time the walk with the babies nap, and get an hour of me time outside. It's also given me confidence to take the two of them out together, and it's far easier parenting them on the go then at home.

I had 19m between my two who are now 4y and 2.5y. Two together is hard. We basically split them up to avoid a single parent having to deal with both at once. At around 2y, when the little one starts to listen, is when it got significantly better -- sorry, that'll seem far away for you!

We get nice moments of interaction, like when the older one realised he could make his 5mo sister laugh and started deliberately trying to do it. I found it best to get out and about at least once a day as I found it less frustrating to deal with them when out. They can still be tough work now (eg when fighting and often when I'm trying to prepare dinner) but less so.

@Kathleen995 No advice but sending solidarity - I'm 12 weeks in with our DD2 and also have a three year old DD1. I'm finding it so tough - the jump from 1 to 2 is so bloody hard!! I was also in tears yesterday evening - my husband works in Wales (we live in Manchester) so he commutes daily and often isn't home until late. Evening and bedtime is INTENSE and we're still having horrendous witching hours with DD2. I miss my eldest girl so much, we get no quality time together anymore 😞. I keep telling myself it'll get better as DD2 gets older, we're in the trenches at the moment! Sending strength (and lots of caffeine!!)

It’s hard but I think you’d find it easier if you got out more to be honest.

I loved the baby stage of having 2 but mine were 3 years apart.
They are now 2.5 and 5.5 and I absolutely hate the ages that they are collectively it's such hard work.

It was pretty easy with a baby and a 16 month old, baby in sling, carry on as usual tbh! It got much harder when baby started playing with toys at around 5 months, as that's when the toddler started getting angry/jealous baby was suddenly playing with toys! Then at 6 months when baby started eating, again toddler got jealous

Now at 21 months and 3yr1 month it can be nice and they make each other laugh lots, play together etc. But maybe 40% of the time they fight. However, I think in another few months I'll be confident and happy taking both to the leisure pool on my own. If there was just the one flume, not the second one up an extra set up steps I'd be able to do that on my own now.

Mine are now 3 years old and 10 months old (26 month age gap) and it is definitely much easier than it used to be.

To be honest I found getting out of the house made everything easier but I needed the fresh air as my son would wake every hour at night. My daughter wasn’t interested in the push chair and tended to run off so I had reins and would also stick to places where I knew she wouldn’t be in immediate danger if she did run off (for example there is a small farm near me that is completely enclosed). If she did run off I used to tell her we would go home and in time she learnt not to.

My husband works late a lot so I also had a lot of stressful bedtimes with a lot of tears! It took me a lot of trial and error to work out what would work best for us. Is there anything your baby particularly loves? We have a projector light that used to keep both of them happy whilst I got the other one changed.

Sorry, I can’t help with the social life although I’ve recently gone back to work which helps ease the loneliness.