Concerned about nearly 8 year old behaviour

[LottyLostitch]

My son is nearly 8 and we have experienced challenging behaviour since he was around 4 years old. The behaviour is if I am honest ruining our lives in that we can't do anything without fear of him setting the tone for the day with his outbursts. Equally he can be such a lovely boy. He seems to get upset at the very slightest thing. For example it was planned he would go for a nighttime wildlife walk with his dad, great all was going well. Just as he was about to get ready he starts screaming, stamping his feet, throwing things saying he isn't going. We say ok don't go but dad says I'm still going but you stay at home- we stayed calm. This puts him into a frenzy to hurry up as he now wants to go, I help him get ready and he is calling me stupid and just getting angry but I have no idea about what. This happens frequently probably three to four times a day. He is so mean to his sister and just cannot seem to follow instructions unless there to his advantage. What have I done so wrong. I've tried ignoring, try understanding the route of the problem, rewards etc you name it I've tried.

What do his school say, is he difficult there?

No, school say he is good, can get a little distracted but does not show any of the behaviours at school that we see

If the pattern is that he kicks off and then gets his way (in your example he kicks off and then you say 'ok, don't go') then you have been rewarding and encouraging the tantrum-like behaviour. To be socialised children need to learn to go with the flow when it is necessary. You may need to go through a process of helping him learn that a tantrum doesn't get things to go his way. You can probably get a parenting coach to help you and I'm pretty sure you could make a good change at this age but it may be helpful to have a solid plan and some support to address the issue.

Perhaps he had some difficulties with processing. He is having a tantrum because he can't actually process and therefore carry out what you are asking or telling him. The result is overwhelm and a breakdown. I think often children are better at school as they are both getting many more cues, the instructions are different, the routine is predictable, other children constantly remind them or they can copy them so it's less of a surprise sneaking up on them, but also, if doing these things is naturally hard, in order to keep up, a high level of masking us talking place which involves a massive amount of mental work. By the end of the day they are absolutely worn out and it's just another thing, and they can't do it, further more parents are much more of a safe space to meltdown in than peers so the behaviour comes out more at home. These are just some possibilities. Try visual cue cards and timers for reminders, a picture time line if what's happening and see if that helps. See If your child likes to shut of from the world( vacantly starting at tv possibly) after school and doesn't want to communicate, if so maybe they are trying to unwind their stressed brain, maybe look for a way that works for them like music or running. Try and keep the form of instruction concise and specific but minimal. These are different options for the different scenarios.

It might be worth speaking to school if he is often distracted. There might be an undiagnosed condition eg ADHD. As others have said often children do use up their ability to cope at school and let rip at home where they feel safe.
Does he have any out of school activities he loves?

Thank you