Choosing where to live based on help from grandparents

[FairMinton]

Hey everyone, I'm just hoping for some advice from experienced parents out there! Im currently due in September and at some point we're expecting MIL to be happy to help with baby a little. I'm sure I'll gratefully accept if she does offer! We're also in the middle of relocating but because of my work the closest we can live to her is about 40mins away which is far enough. The other area we're looking at is 90mins away though so a lot further for her to travel/us to go to her and definitely feels like it would rule out the possibility of regular help. Trouble is, we prefer area 2 (90min) over area 1 (40min) so feel a bit stuck!

We think we'd like 2 eventually and I'll probably need to go back to work full time in between. DH is freelance and WFH.

Did you do the early years with no help from grandparents/family? Was it hard enough that you would consider living in a less desirable area to be closer to help?

Thanks!

What if you move to area 1 and she doesn’t want to help?

Nowhere near either grandparents and the ones that were closer and promised help later reneged on it (thankfully, we didn't want it).
Choose where it's better for your immediate family - house / nursery / schools if you're looking that far ahead.

I had zero help from grand-parents and I wouldn't make choices this important based on the (unspoken !) expectation that they would help. In fact I wouldn't even if GP promised enthusiastically to help, because the reality of what that looks like is likely to not match your expectations. That will create tension and resentment. You're far better off making plans expecting zero help. That will save you so much frustration when that helps fails to materialise.

We have no help and grandparents 40 mins, 50 mins and 3 hours away.

I wouldn't rely on any cover for work. You're expecting someone to drive 40 mins to see you and then back again every time they look after your DC, it's unreasonable to expect that and for them to get to you by 7/8 when you need to leave.

I'd possibly say you might get some babysitting for the odd evening out but I wouldn't plan anything until after the first year or two.

Id go with the best area as at the minute your basing living on potential help that may not come or may do with strings. I live an hour and a half away from my parents and they've offered more help than ils that live down the road. Plus your mil will still be 40 minutes away so they can't help day to say for childcare anyway so you aren't saving in nursery fees. But the nicer area will be better for schools etc, possibly better amenities

yes, we have no local family support and manage 3 dc under 4 and 2 busy jobs BUT given the choice, I would definitely choose to be closer if the area is ok.

Even if they say they want to help, they don't always actually help. As is their right of course.

But it's things like -

• well, I can do every other Tuesday afternoon and the last Thursday of the month for 2 hours
• only saying their availability the week before, but with nursery's you need to contract certain days
• I'm at a funeral, I'm at the spa, Betty's invited me to Spain
• not caring about naps, nutrition or (even worse) doing things their way insisting that it's right

Honestly often times grandparent help is a hindrance more than a help.

Forgot to add, even if GP are sincere when they promise help, they themselves have no way of knowing how they'll feel when you have kids - what their health will be like, their energy levels, etc. If I were you this wouldn't even be a question, I'd pick the preferred area over proximity with GP. Plus 90 minutes honestly isn't that far. My parents live a 14h plane ride away, 90min in a car is almost next door really.

Do not move anywhere based on a theoretical offer or expectation of help (have you actually spoken to MIL or are you assuming)
we had no help so paid for childcare via nurseries etc

grandparents may want to help but reality is they find it exhausting, they can’t commit, they get poorly etc

plan your working life with paid for, solid childcare

anything else is a bonus

Will you have enough room for her to stay over if necessary - and would that be ok or would personalities clash

Don’t make housing decisions based on where grandparents live. They may not want to do the hours you want them to do, or indeed any hours at all. 40 minutes away is still quite far to commit to regular childcare - it’s still an hour and a half round trip and that’s a lot of time to expect someone to give up. Not only that, but in 4 years the kid will be off to school anyway. You can’t expect someone to travel 40 minutes to pick up your child and then have them for 2 hours until you get home before they have to trundle back to their own house in rush hour. Choose your home based on good school, parks and outside space, a sense of community, and things like decent GP surgeries. Choose somewhere that’s close to your work so you can get home quickly if a child is ill, or needs to go to the dentist, etc. It is more important to be convenient for your child than it is for your MIL to be convenient for you.

I think to first thing to consider is how much actual help you'd be getting.

We lived close to out DILs and whist they were great for having one of them for a day whilst we were at work they would never do evenings or overnights.

I'm really grateful for all of the help they gave at the time and they did lol have good relationships but it's not anything that couldn't have been replaced with an extra day in Nursery or wrap around care when the DC were in Primary School.

Agree it depends on how much you expect them to help. My mum about 60-90 min from us (she doesn't drive, it's 40 in car). In the early days she did a regular day per week plus some overnights and random things we needed covered. She could come through when dc were sick and I needed to work.

Now they are older she mainly does childcare for us to get out socially, and she rarely says no, we don't take the piss but have her help 3-4 times per month I think.

Unlike others above I do think choosing to live near parents is a good idea if they are helpful like mine, I wish wed been closer and would have loved it she could have just nipped round the corner sometimes, especially in the first year.

I have a few friends who help their kids with free childcare. The families are all really close and it works well for everyone. My friends adore their grandchildren. I'd live as close as possible if the grandparents are happy to help

You don't say the age of the grandparents. Could you end up in a situation where you also then end up with a young child and being the default carer for an aging parent.

We moved 10 mins away from my parents when I got pregnant. Best decision I ever made. Having kids is really hard. But it's so much easier when you have help.

and at some point we're expecting MIL to be happy to help with baby a little. I'm sure I'll gratefully accept if she does offer!

That sound a very loose / vague premise even to think about budgets for childcare, let alone letting it influence where you choose to live.

A 40 min distance is quite a lot for childcare purposes (and is that in rush hour, or would that be longer ?).

I'd buy the property in the area you want to live.

Yes, it is a lovely bonus if you have Grandparents nearby, but treat it as it is - a bonus - rather than compromising on where you live, in case Grandparents might offer something.

Personally, I'd choose to be closer to enable a strong relationship between grandparents and child, but I think it's a little dangerous to assume support will be there even if they are very close. I know of a few friends who assumed GPs would be active in the realm of care of grand children and it didn't happen.

My mum lives 20 minutes away, loves my son and helps out for an hour when I need her, but has done less than i expected if that makes sense. Expectations low, and you'll be pleasantly surprised if they are hands on, but the childcare needs to work standalone I think.

I agree with those who say it's going to be a long drive for her. Would you have room or even want for her to stay over?

One DF had an arrangement where DPs travelled a roughly equal distance to yours and one day they just phoned to say that they weren't willing to do it anymore. No notice and explanation. Left my DFriends with young DC, two fulltime jobs and no childcare for 2 days a week.

Chose to live where it will suit you and your growing family....so somewhere with other young families, ok primary schools, good childcare provision, easy for you to get to work, your friends etcetc
Any help from GP a bonus but many many people don't have any help or gps and manage fine ...

Base your move on where you want to live. Neither journey is great for childcare.
Looking after babies and toddlers is a lot of work and very tiring. So even though she may say now she would love to do it, the reality will be very different.
i am a grandparent and do provide childcare but I live close to my DD I wouldn't want to do it regularly if she lived 40 minutes away. I love looking after them.but it's much, more tiring than I imagined. We have aged since our children were small and forget how hard it is! 40 minutes might not seem long but having to be somewhere early in the morning then having a long day Childminding followed by a journey home is a lot.

I agree with you @Whoarethoseguys and although I'm not a DGP I'm getting more and more reluctant to drive in the dark as are some of my DFs.

We had no help and nope I wouldn’t consider living somewhere I didn’t really want to live just on the promise of possible childcare.

When our first child was born, we were very close (in terms of relationship, not distance) to both my mum and MIL. 7 years later, I was NC with my mum and MIL was not in a situation where she could ever look after our dc without support from another responsible adult. So we have no grandparents who could look after them even if we lived close. We live somewhere we absolutely love and it’s been wonderful.