Almost 2 year old is well behaved for Dad, but won’t listen to Mum

[dadinpeace]

Hey everyone,

I am hoping you can please offer some advice.

We have an almost 2 year old (23 months) and we are struggling at the moment. He will behave very well with me when it’s time to get up in the morning, bath time, bed, mealtimes etc and do most things without fuss. I do get tantrums from him where he will get in the floor crying and throw his dummy out (now I understand the saying haha)

When my wife does it, he screams and shouts and whinges and doesn’t do much of what she asks.

We are struggling at the moment as I’m trying to offer advice on what I do (we split the morning and take turns, same with bed and bath in the evening) as it seems to work but no matter what she does he acts out mostly.

We are struggling as my advice is taken sometimes as criticism and sometimes I do lose my patience and think “what the hell is going on” and go in to help. It’s hard to sit by and listen to the drama, and stressful.

I’ve been stricter before and have once or twice lost my temper and shouted at him, probably too loud, when he was younger - and my wife thinks he probably sees me as the stricter parent, which I agree with.

Is anyone else in this situation? It’s causing problems between me and my wife as we are very separate on what to do and can’t work it out - we just want the best and I want my wife to regain her confidence with him.

At nursery he is well behaved, the odd time they’ll tell us he was a bit emotional today, but in the whole he enjoys his time there.

My wife is feeling very low at the moment it’s horrible to see, she is an amazing mum and does so much that I couldn’t do, has so much patience and love, it’s awful seeing her lose her confidence.

Sorry for the ramble I hope it all makes sense.

I wonder if he senses tension in his mum ? I wouldn't offer advice she probably isn't doing anything different to you it's probably the baby's temperament and offering advice with an already stressful situation isn't going to go well. I'd maybe if you can split the routine to one does morning and one does bedtime so a routine is established and the toddler knows what is what rather than not knowing if mummy or daddy is going to do it.

It's probably easier if you do getting out the door in the morning.

Don't offer advice and don't go in and take over.

Quite honestly her confidence is probably being dented by you "helping" more than anything. Toddlers have tantrums and they will let their emotions out in front of people that they feel safest with. The fact that you've shouted in the past may be why he feels safer letting his emotions out in front of mum.

You need to stay completely out of the way when she is dealing with him, a different, room or floor or even out of the house.

She has a different relationship with him and as his primary source of attatchment will for a long time yet.

If she wants help suggests she ask HV or asks on here.

You’re probably just more pragmatic and hands on.

A child that age just needs to be instructed what’s happening and how it’s happening. No negotiation, no big emotional reactions. If the child tantrums you ignore or physically pick and carry on. If they piss about you breezily take them by the hand and carry on. Bright and breezy but you are in charge.

If your wife isn’t very assertive, she’s probably trying to cajole and negotiate and trying to be a ‘nice mummy’ rather than actual parenting which is tough.