18yo Daughter is shoplifting :-(

[Sylvie777]

My adult teenage daughter has admitted to shoplifting. she has been producing lots of new makeup and clothes and acting strange in shops so I had suspicions, and when I asked her she said yes she stole them. We are totally shocked, she is on a gap year about to start uni in sept, and is struggling to get a job and has run out of money.
My husband and I immediately said that this is not acceptable and illegal and 'what were you thinking' etc, I've taken the items shes stolen and given them to charity and insisted she pays the value to charity also. We are checking all the jobs shes applying for and recommended she does voluntary work until a job comes. We don't give her any money, she is 18 and needs to get a job. But I am asking for proof everytime she buys things now.

She has a trust fund that we've said is for helping out with living costs when she goes to UNI and not before, but I'm worried now she will use that. Shes 18 so its her money now.

she can cook for herself and does cleaning and chores around the house to help out. but I'm at a loss now. what else can we do?. she said shes ok and was just doing it for the thrill. I am so worried its all our fault.

I agree with this 100%.
I think your approach is very odd and comes across as uncaring.
There's obviously something wrong otherwise she wouldn't be shoplifting.

If she actively looking and getting rejected whet more do you want her to do?
As someone said "IF" you can afford to, help her out until she gets on her feet.
Unless you're willing to buy her necessities for her.
What she did was wrong but I also think you're being quite harsh re the job/money since you have proof she's trying.

''Personality clashes'' sounds a bit ominous - That could be a bit of a red flag if an employer asked why she left a past post- one would immediately think ''This is possibly a difficult person to get along with''

A theft conviction will also not look good.

Hope she finds a job soon.

@Sylvie777 It honestly sounds like you are from a different generation and I 100% don’t mean any offence.

As others mentioned today is a very different battle from even 10-15 years ago. The pressure on our young people today is so intense and from every angle - social media alone amplifies normal coming of age pressures 10 fold.

If you can support her, support her not only financially but emotionally. Unfortunately these types of experiences stay with you forever, even if they are with good intentions.

I have not addressed the stealing because it is merely a manifestation of a bigger more pressing issue between you as parents and your child.

I also agree with this and I wonder why you would double-punish your daughter by making her give what she stole to charity AND making her pay the same amount again to charity? That makes no sense to me when she has no money.

"All we can do is advise."

Not to put too fine a point on it, you don't watch a non-swimmer flailing about in the deep end and just stand on the side going "I advise you to swim and get yourself out of the pool" when you, as a swimmer, could jump in and save them from drowning 🤷‍♂️

If you have any colleges or universities nearby they sometimes look for exam invigilators during exam season. Pay is pretty decent for not doing very much.

You're coming across a bit cold hearted OP, she is your daughter you don't just shut off support at 18yo.

I'm not saying you need to give her hundreds a month, but enough so she can buy her toiletries, maybe go and see friends so she isn't isolated etc.

Job hunting is so hard these days, impossible to just walk into a job in a shop like in the 90s 00s.

She is shoplifting because she has no money, making excuses to you because she knows you don't give a shit that she has no money, and now you're insisting she PAYS MORE MONEY to charity that she doesn't even have.

Absolutely come down on her about shoplifting, but try and be more supportive. These kids had years of their life turned upside down by covid, they need more support than ever.

So what is she supposed to do?

Live on air?

You are being very unsupportive. She could have a small allowance and still look for work

There must be some deep seated reasons why she is shoplifting. My kids have never shoplifted, they both got financial help from me before uni (and help from their dad during uni). Neither are entitled or spoilt but jobs were and are very difficult to come by. Casual work is not as easy as it was in my day when you could just pop in to a shop or pub, enquire and they'd give you a job on the spot (no cv, no interview).

It sounds like you are making her sink or swim and she is sinking (she could be arrested and prosecuted and then what?).

Sorry op but what does fear of conflict mean in this context?

I think if you can afford it you should help her out.

I'm not surprised she is shop lifting to be honest how else is she going to get the things she needs if she has no finincial support from her parents.

I think you need to be considering the psychological aspects of why people turn to shoplifting. It may not be as straightforward as your dd feeling that she doesn’t have enough money - it could be that she has a sense of loss of control , and failure .18 is a difficult transition between childhood and adulthood.
I think you need a very reflective approach with her and maybe some professional help. I’m sure she is already aware of the consequences of shoplifting . That knowledge isn’t going to magically stop her from doing it. And many people shoplift when there is no economic need for them to do it .

While I think there are two sides to every story, I think the OP is being unfairly piled on!

while it’s true that jobs are harder than they used to be to get, the daughter had a job but left due to personality clashes: part of being an adult is putting up with/finding a way to work with difficult people, not quitting and expecting pocket money from mum & dad

Also: shoplifting is a crime, and we all pay increased prices because of it

I think maybe there is room to work on the relationship with your daughter if she feels she can’t talk to you: this may be a blessing in disguise

meanwhile, i think encourage her to claim job seekers allowance (it still exists!) and look for a job, provide a small allowance while waiting for JSA/a job

Ive been unemployed at various times: it is mentally tough (especially when you’ve got a mortgage to pay). Shoplifting is not the answer so I can understand how disappointed OP feels

Shop lifting is certainly a crime but it galls me when clothes retailers use that excuse to put prices up because they have no qualms in shredding or burning unsold clothes.

I agree with @Anand25 comment! Defo the most decent response to this thread!