18yo Daughter is shoplifting :-(

[Sylvie777]

My adult teenage daughter has admitted to shoplifting. she has been producing lots of new makeup and clothes and acting strange in shops so I had suspicions, and when I asked her she said yes she stole them. We are totally shocked, she is on a gap year about to start uni in sept, and is struggling to get a job and has run out of money.
My husband and I immediately said that this is not acceptable and illegal and 'what were you thinking' etc, I've taken the items shes stolen and given them to charity and insisted she pays the value to charity also. We are checking all the jobs shes applying for and recommended she does voluntary work until a job comes. We don't give her any money, she is 18 and needs to get a job. But I am asking for proof everytime she buys things now.

She has a trust fund that we've said is for helping out with living costs when she goes to UNI and not before, but I'm worried now she will use that. Shes 18 so its her money now.

she can cook for herself and does cleaning and chores around the house to help out. but I'm at a loss now. what else can we do?. she said shes ok and was just doing it for the thrill. I am so worried its all our fault.

Blimey, you don't hold back.:-( I am totally approachable, I really don't understand how she cant come to me we have a very good relationship and are very close. Please be careful how you respond. I thought this is a support group

You know it almost impossible now for this age group to get jobs.

Sub 18s are taken on for cheaper cash jobs and 18+ jobs are given to older staff who turn up and can work all hours and need minimum training and aren't off to uni in a year.

You can thank the government for raising minimum wages, NI increases and changing the employment laws.

So she will be struggling to find work much like all of that age group.

Yes we explained that would happen, would be terrible.

Awful parenting. She’s trying to get a job and you are making her feel punished by not helping her a little bit. Hope she moved away, far away and cuts you out!

It’s not a ‘support group’ you asked for opinions and that’s what you are getting.

I suspect the 'very good relationship' you see isn't the experience of your daughter.

Christ just give her some money until she has a job. Work out a budget with her

Yes the shoplifting needs dealing with robustly which you've done but all you'll do by taking this stance is alienate her

If you want that then crack on

I can't get my head around the fact that you are not supporting her financially. It must be overwhelming for her not to have any money. She still needs help from you to live!!

I’d like to think people with a trust fund aren’t eligible for benefits, but hey if they are take them.

The point she made about wanting to feel in control, to me, is key. She’s an adult without access to money at all. That’s not good. I understand why you want her to earn money as adults do but as a PP said wanting to work doesn’t mean a job will be offered. I would be inclined to arrange an allowance from her trust on the condition she continues to apply for jobs and spends some time with you working out a budget. Being able to set your own budget is a valuable life skill and helps us appreciate money. If you use your household budget as an example it will teach her a hell of a lot about what being an adult is all about

FFS give her an allowance until she gets sorted.

Imagine the joyless existence of having rejection after rejection, no money, no income and you're living with your family who could help you but won't.

Exactly.

Your financial obligations for your child do not end at 18. Providing a home and food is not enough, it is not even the basics. You are causing potentially irreversible damage to your daughter and your relationship with her. I truly feel sorry for her.

I would not be surprised of she rebels or goes down a bad path once she begins working and starts university.

Yes 18 year olds can get Universal Credit if they dont have too much capital as not currently in education or employment (so depends on size of her trust fund). DS found the UC job coach quite helpful as they do help with CV's etc. I think you can still get NI credits even if not eligible but looking for work. Any job is going to help get the next job. Would she consider care work? There is also a shortage there and you can usually do qualifications cheaply online in fact if she gets UC she may be eligible for free online vocational qualifications. Half term and Easter holiday childcare schemes also possibiities. I have a disabled child and local charity projects are always looking for volunteers eg for young carers groups, youth groups etc and this can often lead onto working for families or council directly. Another thing I would recommend is doing one of the USA / Canada / summer camp schemes from June to August which you can do at 18. You dont really earn much money after all the costs but its a great experience and may give her something to look forward to / keep her occupied.

What happens when she gets an interview in the next town, will you expect her to find her own way there? What if she has to pay for uniform, lunch or basics to arrive to work looking presentable?

I dont understand? She had a job and was earning well, on top of that she had over a thousand given to her. Also a significant amount was given at xmas. now she has her trust fund. she has full access, we just advise her on whats sensible and not. not controlling in anyway. she is able to decide for herself.

I agree with many others, she still needs your support, both financial and emotional. Turning 18 really means very little. Agree an allowance each month, support her job hunt. I think the stealing was partly a cry for help, she may be quite unhappy.

We lift her everywhere she needs to go and supply everything she needs. until she gets a job. We stopped when she was earning her own money. she has everything she needs

This poster is giving you a valuable perspective.

Honestly, you would be better to take on board what this poster has said instead of reprimanding her for her post.

You do need to give your dd money. She is on a gap year and has none. The fact that she is 18 is irrelevant. She's under your roof, she is your responsibility and you need to help her. And since she's had job rejections, your help does need to involve giving her money.

But you just said you want her to keep the tf for university and are worried about her spending it now?? So which is it? If you gave her an allowance she wouldn't need to touch the tf or steal....

This indeed. So many of my DC's friends have struggled like this.

If you are concerned she had been spending irresponsibly you need to help her understand the importance of saving. When did she receive the £1k and how much did she have once she lost her job?

If the understanding was that the trust fund was for university and she is not using the money (which you should ask and check) how else if she going to get by day to day? You can expect her to sit at home applying for jobs all day.

You need to support her.

yes it worries me but she is able to decide for herself now.All we can do is advise

My parents did very little to support me at college financially, £8 per week.
This was for everything including clothes and no they weren't poor.
I had to leave college without my qualifications and get a job.
If you are able to support her, please do so.
It makes a huge difference.

Absolutely agree with this. We live in a society not just where wealth is power, but where money is personal power to an unavoidable extent. It is inextricably linked to self esteem, and your young adult daughter sees that everywhere. The economy, the marketplace and the jobs market are in a very different state to when you and your husband were her age. She's trying to get work and is struggling, understandably in the current climate. She's also bound to have quite complex feelings about going to university and how she will present herself to all sorts of new people. She will also be wrestling with largely unconscious formative psychological forces that affect her behaviour, in ways that can create a very unique profile, so it's no good people taking the moral high ground and saying "Tough shit, she needs to learn right from wrong." If only life was that simple.

Cut her some slack, OP. Help her out financially a bit for a while, you don't have to go overboard but a hardline "you're on your own financially now, sink or swim" is heartless.

You’re the problem not your daughter.

If she’s can’t find a job where will she get money from?

You gave birth to her. They need financial support for a long long time.

You’re driving her to shoplift. And as for fear of conflict? What’s scaring her?