Absent father deciding to be involved when my child just turned two.

[daphnealonzo]

Hello everyone! I am a young mom and my sons father has never been involved in his life and does not pay child maintenance. My son was a 1 year old when his father started reaching out. I told him that if he wanted to be involved he would have to get a court order for visitation he said he would do it and never did a year later he keeps texting every once in a while trying to be involved. His father lives in a different city and he actually is not on any of my sons documents (birth certificate, etc.). I really do not know if i should allow him to be in my child's life considering he was denying being my sons father because of this I do not think he would be consistent in my child's life. I feel conflicted as in to what I should do/consider.

No. Your child does not need this man in their life. He sounds unreliable and self interested.
Just keep reiterating that he must take you to court.

What a disgusting response.

OP he's your child's father, of course you have to let him be involved. Either do it now, willingly, or let him go through the courts and force you.

The OP does not 'have' to let him be involved at all. He's not on any paperwork so has no legal standing (in the UK at least) and has not shown any interest until now.

That said, the OP may want to consider (if there was no domestic abuse involved and it was just the father was pathetic and feckless rather than dangerous) to discuss with him exactly what it is he wants and expects. Then make an assessment based on that rather than dismissing any idea of contact completely from the off.

These two posters advocating for the useless ‘father’ have never seen a child torn apart emotionally because of repeatedly being let down by a selfish person who dips in and out of their lives as it suits them. Dumps them when he’s got something else going on or starts a new family.

This.
There are so many threads on here about this type of man and the trauma and misery they cause.
If this man is really serious about wanting to be a good parent to his child he will make every effort to go through the legal process, which he has not bothered to do thus far, despite saying that he would.
Actions speak louder than words.

As he wants to be involved he’ll want to pay child maintenance - right?

This! Get the money first!

I don't think it's unfair to expect him to show some sort of commitment to his child before letting this man into his life. So yes, he should be paying appropriate maintenance and I don't think it's unreasonable (given the history) to expect him to go to court where he'll have to convince a family law judge that he is serious about playing a role in the OP's son's life and the judge will be better-placed to make a decision based on the child's best interests than the OP (because they'll have seen it all before many, many times).

The OP is busy parenting her child (alone). Why should she also be expected to have to make complicated judgements as to whether it is best for her son to have a so far absent parent in his life? The court can do that for her.

You could either move further away now, or just wait and see if he takes you to court. If he actually wants to be a part of your child’s life he should do more than send the odd text.
Don’t feel pressured to be the parent that facilitates access.
I just moved to the other side of the world so I can take some time to decide if I want to have the father of my unborn child part of the child’s life.

It is possible for a man to be a terrible partner but have a beneficial father-child relationship, even if they are a pretty shit human being in other ways and leave all the boring bits of parenting to mum. What is important is the child's best interests. It is usually beneficial for a cgild to at least know their father, even if they later grow to understand that he's a bit of a waste of oxygen.

Unless you have any reason to suspect that this man is any kind of danger to the child, insisting on court could seriously backfire. The court could order a much greater degree of shared time than you are happy with.

Could you not suggest that things start off with him coming every other weekend during the day to take the child out, just for half an hour to a play park at first but gradually building up to a few hours. Overnights not even on the table to be considered until they have a strong positive bond (which may never happen).

Also put in a cms claim.

All the men and males I know adore the Dad

The pp who wrote this is very naive with a limited experience.

However I would probably let him join on some days out but don't big him up to your son and let him get excited about it, until you really trust that he is reliable.

Are you in the UK OP? I ask because you use the words “mom” and “visitation “ which we don’t use in England and Wales and some advice here is based on the assumption that you’re based here.

Contact should never be withheld in the absence of maintenance.