How to live a good life after DH dies

[Notwhatiordered]

DH died several years ago. I have hree lovely kids, I'm working full time, and I am soooo tired.
I'm proud of myself for keeping going but I'm also failing on all fronts some days.
I do not want to become bitter and resentful. If you've been there or you are there now, what helped? How did you find yourself again and reimagine your future after your life imploded?

How old are your DC’s? Mine were 11 and 13, it’s been hell for 5 years as both are ND, one diagnosed, one waiting assessment, but now at 19 and 16 I am final,y find me again. I have been very lucky to have family financial support so I can work part time but little emotional support but 5 years on I can see a way through the brain fog. I have made sure I now do things for myself which I can do now they are older but it’s been a tough few years of self preservation and looking rude and unsocial to people

I’m so sorry OP, what a truly horrible situation this must be. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice to offer but I didn’t want to read and run. Hopefully others who have experienced the same will be able to give some advice, but well done for keeping going, you absolutely should be proud of yourself and it sounds like your children are so lucky to have you.

Thank you @OopsieeDaisy ❤

Sorry you've been going through this too @FiveGoMadInDorset . My kids were 9, 12 and 15 - they're all teenagers now. I know I'm anxious about being the sole earner for all of us and maybe I need to ease off on that to make more time to do things for me. Can I ask whether you stayed in the same place or moved away? It's lovely having support of friends, but also hard to make big changes in front of an audience, if you know what I mean.

We stayed in the same place, all their and my friends are here, DH moved here from where he lived, it’s been tough furrowing my own path as a single person as you do tend to get forgotten so finding new things to do has helped

I also have an elderly widowed parent and a sibling with long term health issues

@FiveGoMadInDorset I"m in a similar situation with parent and sibling. Well done for making time to find new things to do in the midst of all that - it's a lot.
It must get easier. Here's hoping 🙂

My husband died just over two years ago and my mum is currently dying. Things that have helped: exercise, being outside, reading, travel, eating well. I'm becoming increasingly ruthless on focusing on myself and my own wellbeing and the things I want to do. That's on the good days. On the bad days, just survive.

One thing I read was start of with one tiny baby step towards change (including taking more care of yourself)

Maybe a nice bath product, or a haircut. Something small that just starts to remind you that you are allowed to look after yourself

@FoxNet agree with the exercise, particularly for me sea swimming all year round, now my kids are older definitely travel is on the cards.

Running has helped me - that's one new thing I've done.
The evenings are hard. I miss the companionship of my DH. And holidays are really tough.
And I've changed since DH died, and weirdly I'm sad that he'll never know me or love me as I am now.
But bottom line is I'm still here and hopefully have a lot more living to do.
to everyone going through this

Have you considered casual dating? It may be too soon but if you feel comfortable you could just meet for coffee or a drink, a chance to be you. You don't have to go any further than friendship remember and there's even apps to make friends

I was widowed when I was 30.

I turn 40 this year. I am remarried, I have another child too.

I have a different job. I have reinvented myself and I don't feel like the same person, at all.

So that is how I have coped. Change.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Your comments about change and reinvention really struck me. I'm stuck. I need to let go of the person DH knew and become someone different.

@mitogoshigg that may be something I should try. I haven't yet, but perhaps it's time.

It's been 4 years for me, just one child but she was preschool age when DH died. Very little family support. For the first 2.5 years I just worked and parented, although there were moments of joy and my daughter kept me going, it was overall hard, monotonous and lonely. My mental and physical health were awful, I gained loads of weight and spent all my evenings scrolling feeling pretty dead inside.

In the end I found a babysitter and now go out once a month, usually to the theatre or cinema, with friends if I can but alone if needs must. This year I'm starting compressed hours at work so I get one day free which I plan to use for housework and exercise, and I'm going to build up to fortnightly with the babysitter, and am thinking of dipping my toe into dating.

I've struggled with not being the parent I planned to be, my daughter does long days in childcare and I feel guilty that I take significant time for myself when that's the case, it would never have been like that if my DH had lived, he was a fully involved dad and we'd have shared the load.

But ultimately I'm now the only parent and I have to be able to sustain myself for the next decade+ and show my daughter life goes on and I wouldn't have been able to do that the way I lived in the first couple of years where it was all work work work.

Almost 12 years for me. Have gone from having a 3 and 5 year old to almost 15 and 17. It's tough. I'm tired. We are all doing the job of two people and I have no regular family help. I got one night away last year. I have coped by making my own well being a priority along the way. I've got my career back, although now self employed, and I don't work full time. I started a ladies football team amd play weekly. Friends are wonderful. We moved to live by the sea as it keeps me going and that is important. I dip all year round. Sending love and solidarity. Try and find a hobby for when you are stuck in the house (I crochet) and a hobby that gets you out with other people, preferably including fresh air/exercise. I'm still here. Still mostly fine - occasionally, sad and lonely, but mostly fine. I've dated on and off and had a couple of two year relationships, but it has to be the right person where my kids are concerned. My time will come once they have flown the nest.

All I can say to those having to cope alone whilst grieving too is never feel guilty about taking time just for yourself because you are their only parent now so you really need to take care of yourself so you can keep going. If you don't take time out for yourself sometimes you will feel like you are drowning. My sister lost her DH at 41 of a massive heart attack out of the blue. She had 3 DC and the youngest was 7 and had ADHD and the other two 12 and almost 15. She did have a lot of family support but she told me about 8 months after her DH died that she still felt frozen. We all rallied around and got her doing a few things for herself.

I'm so sorry. My dh died when ds was 14. That was a whole lot easier than if ds had been much younger.

I'm not sure my experience is really relevant. Dh's illness was such a huge and debilitating part of our lives that not coping with that any more was an incredible liberation. I also had amazing friends who helped me. Someone used to call round and take me out for a walk pretty much every day until I went back to work, and then we had a walking group WhatsApp so that some of us went out most weekends. That was all pretty easy because ds was so often with friends. Occasionally we walked with the teenagers.

I'd say any time or energy you can spend on supporting your dc's friendships and independence will pay off multiple times over. I am still close to many of the parents who helped me at that time.

School were really good and they had a counsellor that ds saw for a while (I didn't give him.a choice). I think she gave him some really helpful tools.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and your hard-won wisdom. Feeling better this evening - and I will take more time for myself