I can't cope with my 12 year old - I have to nag him to do anything at all

[AnonymousMum37]

I need to preface this by saying he's amazing. He's clever and kind and lovely.
But he drives me IN SANE.
He just can't/won't do anything for himself.

I've always tried so hard to teach him to be independent. And he used to be so mature for his age. Everyone commented on it, that he was mature and sensible for his age, and genuinely wanted to help. He walked early, talked early, had really interesting conversations with me age 2 or 3. Read chapter books before he started school and his knowledge was just incredible. I encouraged him but he always wanted to learn new things, he happily helped with housework, cooked himself toasties and made me hot drinks age 7...

But now... It's like he's a different kid.

He has always been rubbish at finding things and being organised but now he just expects me to find everything for him. He loses EVERYTHING. He's lost 10 pencil cases since he started secondary school. I have to nag him to do his homework. To get up. To get dressed. To have a shower. To brush his hair. To brush his teeth. To eat. To drink. To clear up after himself. To wash up. To empty his lunchbox. To practice guitar. He does nothing unless I ask him to, and nag and nag and threaten to take stuff away or shout etc.

He used to play sports at the weekend but now he's always too tired or too ill or his leg hurts or his stomach hurts. But it's always fine once we're home.

I have to nag him to do Every. Single. Thing. Every. Single. Day. and I'm exasperated.

What happened?? Please help me.

He became a teenager.

It happens to them all.

Honestly, I'd be selective about what I asked him to do and leave him to suffer the consequenses.

So, don't replace another pencil case. Don't tell him to have a shower/brush his hair/brush his teeth/to eat, drink, clear up, wash up and empty his lunchbox and practice guitar.

Nag him to get up, get dressed and do his homework on a school day and just leave him to deal with the rest.

If you're paying for guitar lessons just stop.

Exactly right. Make a schedule with expectations for the day - shower, do homework etc and if he doesn’t tell him he loses his phone.

Enabling his behaviour won’t help no matter how frustrating and tempting. Consequences need to happen.

I disagree on it simply being a teen thing. My kids know what is expected and if for example they aren’t ready for footie we don’t go.

Hyperorganisation is the key. Sit him down, tell
him it needs to change, show him the schedule and what will happen if he doesn’t do it and stop replacing things if he can’t be asked to take care of them.

He does nothing unless I ask him to, and nag and nag and threaten to take stuff away or shout etc.

I think what's happened is that you had a naturally biddable child so you could just go with it. Now you need some different strategies and didn't develop them in toddlerhood like those of us with a hellion less well-behaved child.

You cannot win with 'nagging' (horrible misogynist word IMO). Or threatening. It just escalates, becomes a battle someone has to win, and isn't very effective.

Get How to Talk so Kids will Listen... and read it. I like instant, natural consequences delivered with empathy. For example, does he like guitar? If he does, the natural consequence of not practising is his teacher being disappointed. Eventually the consequence is cancelling the lessons. You deliver this in a "it's sad but if we're putting in money and the teacher puts in experience, you put in practise. If you don't want to, no lessons" but in a neutral way. Not threatening, not nagging but stating fact, with regret.

For the rest, a proper adult conversation about why you expect teeth brushed/hair brushed and whether he cares about having fillings/extractions etc. If he does know the reasons, agree that you will just remind with one word, "teeth" and he will do them. No nagging/threatening from you, no arguments from him. Less painful for him and you.

But get the book, it's magical.

I thought it was just me 🙈

I feel like I am constantly nagging my 12 yo . Simplest of tasks , take a shower, brush your teeth , make your bed . I don't think I ask a lot but feel like I'm constantly going on as have to ask him over and over again. He is such a lovely boy, I just don't want him to grow up thinking this is okay. But I don't want him to grow up thinking I'm just a big nag either 🤦🏻‍♀️