Co parenting help

[Augustmumma]

Me and my ex split when our now 4 year old was 1 I am English ex is Australian with duel citizenship in uk and son was born in UK

When DS was 6 months we moved to Australia as ex's father passed away. I was on a tourist visa with no provisions to work. After 6 months ex became dependent on alcohol and drugs - this was an issue he always suffered with and on several occasions took attemps on his life. It was not a healthy relationship and we decided to end. I stayed until my visa was due to expire and it was mutually agreed that me and DS would return to the UK - ex signed a statutory declaration confirming this.

Me and DS have now been living with my parents he has attended preschool now started primary school and is so happy and settled. And we are hopefully going to be moving in to our own place in the next few months. Since being back I have realised that the relationship was abusive he was controlling and emotionally abusive and gaslit me for a long time to the point I didn't realise in the end as I was used to being on eggshells

He has visited every summer for 6 weeks in that time I take off work as I struggle to trust how he will be due to his history of substance abuse and self harm. I don't hover but I will go to a coffee shop nearby while they go swimming, park, softplay ect and we have done 'family' days out to London, themeparks ect

He agreed to weekly video calls which sometimes DS doesn't want to do i have tried to find a way to resolve this suggesting we call and set phone to the side so ex can watch DS play rather then bombard him with loads of questions

He is now saying he wants us to move there for a year. I am not comfortable visiting at the moment let along move there for a year when mine and DS life is here. He had duel passport so can visit, work stay with no visa. He has no job or property responsibilities to think of

He is now messaging and being abusive saying unkind things about me and my family so I am ignoring unless he is talking directly about DS but I just need some advice if I am being unreasonable

Sorry for the long post!

Don't move there. Explain you will no longer communicate other than the weekly phone call, make it a set time each week.. Block/mute him the rest of the time Don't engage on the call set video in the room and move out of sight. If it's not working or too hard to do either stop contact or use a different phone that you only use for that. Or go through a friend or family member

Keep a diary /record of abuse , screen shot messages, save voice mail. Keep any evidence of alcohol/drug abuse.

Give him no information about you and your life, - work nursery , if you move etc.

If things haven't settled by summer either refuse him the contact or ask a family member or friend to mediate or pay for a contact centre.

Grey rock his every move.

Do not move there. I have a friend who has been trapped in Australia for many years following moving there with her abusive ex, isolated from all family support, and being unable to leave unless she leaves her daughter behind. She was lucky enough to be able to qualify for a work visa at least, but you say you won't even have that.

Then everything that modernshmodern says.

His mum has now messaged asking if we will consider visiting. I would like DS to visit his family there but told her that I will need to have assurances ex will be responsible and safe. When ex visited last year we applied to change DS surname so it is double barreled - before it was just ex name. Once that comes through and I can renew DS passport I will speak to exs mum. It's not unreasonable to have something in writing from him first that he agrees we will visit for 2/3 weeks then return to UK- this i think would help to leave after. But I am still extremely cautious and will not be going into anything without having all nessisary precautions

Thank you for your mesages

I can only agree with @MxFlibble
Do not move there and do not even visit as the opportunity to kidnap your son and get you deported for not having the right visa is immense.
Make up all the excuses you need to not go. Cost is surely on your side as it will be so expensive.
If granny wants to see her grandchild she can travel to the U.K. bet she can't find the money either

That's what I have to keep reminding myself wheb I feel guilty for DS not seeing his family over there. His nan and auntie in aus all have my contact details socials ect and nan has called a handful of time auntie I've heard nothing so I think if they really wanted to be present in DS life they would have done more and it's not up to me to always reach out first

Could you offer to meet in the middle in Thailand if he pays your flights there?

I think that would not help the kidnap risk

That wouldn't solve the issue of his family seeing DS it would increase risk of anything happening and not being in an English speaking country

You're obviously not being unreasonable. Stand firm.

I wouldn't take him to Australia at this point, but encourage them to visit DS in the UK or offer to meet somewhere more central if that works for you (research where carefully).