Guilt about going back to work…

[CJ98]

I’m due to go back to work end of march/early April and I’m instantly feeling guilty. I know it’s going to be hard as I’d have spent 9 months with my daughter but unfortunately both myself and my partner have said we feel like we are never going to see our daughter when we go back to work. We both have a full time job that’s 40 hours a week (which we both absolutely love & unfortunately we can’t afford to drop hours). We’ve sat and spoke about the shifts we’d be doing when we go back to work & have noticed that they will be as follow:
Sunday - I’ll be working 9:30-17:30 he’ll be working 13:30-22:30
Monday - I might be working 14:30-22:30 he’ll be working 15:30-00
Tuesday - wed both have the day off
Wednesday - Friday I’d be working 10-18 he’d be working 15:30-00
Saturday - we’d both have off
The main issue we’ve got is the mother in law wants our daughter every Tuesday which we’ve said it’s not ideal as it’s one of the only days we’d actually have together as a family which she isn’t happy about as she works every other day.
Due to other issues my mum isn’t able to work but has offered to have our daughter on the days I’m working but only for 5 hours - ie she’d pick our daughter up before my partner leaves for work and then drop her off once I get home.
We instantly both feel guilty because we feel like we aren’t going to ever see our daughter and the only solution would be for one of us to either leave our job or drop hours.
Did anyone else go through this ? Does it get easier ? Are we being selfish ? Is there a solution ?

So DH will see DC Sunday, Monday, Friday morning,Wednesday. & Saturday all day.
You will have Sunday&Friday evening, Monday morning all day Friday and Saturday. More than most I would guess.

I’d be working Friday 10-18 so we’d only have Tuesday and Saturday as a family.
My mother in law only has Tuesdays guaranteed off work hence her asking for Tuesdays. We offered her every Sunday so that she had Sundays all day but she’s now saying Sundays arent guaranteed to be a day off so she’d only be letting us all down.
we know she isn’t happy about my mum having our daughter for most of the week whilst we work. I did speak to my mum about potentially having our daughter Monday night with the fact I’d be working until 22:30 we didn’t want to disturb her nights but again my MIL isn’t happy because it means my mum having her “overnight” (even though nobody has mentioned about my mum having her overnight - it would be at our house and my mum would leave once I get home from work.
I just feel like no matter what we choose people are missing out on seeing her or everyone else is going to be seeing her but us.

My first thought was how lucky you are to have family childcare for those long hours you and DH are working. I would also be careful: an adorable 9 month old baby quickly becomes an exhausting toddler and your mum might find her very tiring. I don't know how old she is.

It is a dilemma, your mil only being able to guarantee Tuesdays when that's yours and DH's shared day off, and your time with your child must take priority. I can understand her sadness

I think your mum is wise to set boundaries ie 5 hours a session

It seems that you are the one who will see least of your daughter compared to your DH but as another pp said, it's no different to many ft working parents, sadly. But I can appreciate what a wrench it is

My mum is amazing, she’s a mum to 6 children herself with 8 grandchildren so she’s a master of baby tantrums & everything that comes with babies.
The thing is my MIL has let us down so much over the last 6 months with having our daughter that we’ve gotten so used to her not being around. I’m worried that the older my daughter gets she’s just going to let us down more and more and it’s going to be down to my mum to obviously have her which is something we want to avoid. We don’t want my mum feeling like she’s constantly having our daughter hence why we’ve agreed to her having our daughter at most 6 hours a day which I can see that migbt be a lot.
I just feel like whatever we choose someone’s not going to be happy.
i don’t want everyone else to be looking after our daughter & then when it comes to our days off we don’t see her because she’s with my MIL or my mum

That’s actually something I came up with, she’d come & pick our daughter up just before my partner goes to work around 1-1:30pm & then she’s drop her off around 6:30-7 but she’d be having her Monday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday. So she’d roughly have her for around 20 hours a week. I can change my shifts around whereas my partners shifts are set & he’s unable to change them. It doesn’t matter how we work it out one of us is going to see our daughter less than the other.

As someone who has recently gone back to work full time after 13 months mat leave, the pain of separation is no easy thing to deal with! I cherish more than anything the two weekend days with my toddler and partner, I literally look forward to them all week and it's no where near enough. So if your two days you can all spend together are Tuesday and Saturday, I would encourage you to protect them! Without meaning to be blunt, your mother in law doesn't get to "want" your child on that day, if you and your husband want to spend that time together then that needs to be prioritised over everything else. Depending on where she lives could you say that on the Tuesdays that she's available you incorporate the morning or afternoon together into your day? That way the three of you are together and she gets time with the baby as well?

I've suggested her having our daughter the same amount of time as my mum would have her in one day - so for example if she was to pick our daughter up at 10am and brings her back at 3pm it would mean me & my partner would still have our daughter for the evening but she doesn’t think 5 hours is enough time to spend with her.

You say your mum is amazing and I want you to tell yourself that too: YOU are amazing. You are clearly a loving, caring mum and dd and dil. But I agree with the pp: your family time with your dd is precious and non-negotiable.

You've already seen that your mil is unreliable and when you're working, you have to run a tight ship and the childcare / visitor have to be absolutely 100% reliable otherwise all the balls in the air fall down.

I think the old MN wisdom of letting the DH deal with his mother is right!

Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m doing a good enough job especially as I’m a first time mum… & I want to spend as much time with my daughter as I possibly can, but I also can’t afford to stop working or even drop my hours so I’m struggling to find a good middle where everyone is happy and still spending time with our daughter.

I’ve just gone back. I work my 40hrs over 4 days (0700x1700 4 days a week) could you condense your hours into longer days

Your MIL doesn't get to take one of your family days away, also she's offering childcare on a day you don't require it. Without that you both get two whole days and part of other days with her. You love your jobs, you will be happy and setting a good example. You can always reconsider dropping hours in the future if finances change. Your mum sounds great in that she offering the childcare you absolutely need this is massively helpful to you.

If you want to spend time with your child why on earth would you ask MIL to look after her on your day off work. She's crazy if she thinks that's a wise move. Tell her what for op

I'm not sure why you suggested that, it's absolute madness. Tuesday is your day off, it's time to spend as a family!! You 3 and time together is absolute priority. Occasionally you may want some child free time, but certainly not regularly!

Its tough luck your mil is with daughter less than other grandparent. And 5 hours is loads. If she's that desperate to have more 1 on 1 time with her, she needs to rearrange her life to be available when you actually need childcare.

Absolute zero guilt should come into it

You sound like you have a decent amount of time each with your daughter without needing to spend loads on childcare. Your opposite shifts mean your daughter has a parent around most of the time. Stop feeling guilty and be thankful.

It's natural to feel guilty as the separation will be new to you but your shifts mean that your daughter gets more time with her full time working parents than the norm and that is something to be very glad about.

As others have said - no way does mil get to have her on a day that is your family day, do not ever feel bad about protecting the 2 days you have off together and in no way do both mothers need to get equal time if means you losing out of time with your daughter.

I could do but that would mean me working 10-8 4 days a week & I’d be missing out on basically doing everything with our daughter. The idea was my partner would be around to do the morning routine & I’d be around to do the evening routine so our daughter wasn’t getting too used to everyone else doing it & we’d still be around.

Ive said the exact same thing, we don’t need her for childcare on Tuesdays and it would mean we’d literally be having one day a week with our daughter and I just don’t agree with it. As you can imagine me speaking my mind about this has caused issues & the whole jealousy of my mum having our daughter more has kicked in with her. I already feel guilty that my mum is helping us out more & she’ll be having our daughter for most of the week as that was never in our plan but it’s helping us out and I know it’s going to get easier once our daughter gets older.

It is crap OP but you really do have it better than most. I see my kids for an hour in the mornings and evenings and only get to spend Saturday and Sunday with them apart from that.

And you aren’t being crippled by nursery fees whilst still being able to work full time.

I’m sure the change will feel really hard as it is a bit change from maternity leave but it’s nice that you will still get some decent quality time with your DC whilst also working fulltime. That’s pretty rare imo.

I’ve already tried having a conversation with her about potentially having our daughter on another day but she works & her shifts change every week. She’s let us down plenty of times with not being able to have our daughter (not that we ask, she just wants to have her for the day) so I’m not holding my breath with her actually sticking with helping us out or even wanting to spend time with our daughter.

This

If she's protesting that 5 hours is too little she's not interested in helping out, nor even in just having time with your daughter. She's just trying to compete with your mum.

I think (unlike many on MN) that parents should try to facilitate good relationships with their DP and DPIL but that doesn't mean you hand over your daughter for one of your only family days to appease your MIL hissy fit.