DS acting out after new baby

[Ketryne]

Sorry, long one!

I have a 3.5 year old DS who is usually a sweet, funny and kind boy. He rarely has meltdowns, has excellent language and plays beautifully with other children. He can get a bit overexcited at home and often messes about when I ask him to do things, especially when tired, but I’ve never had cause to worry about his behaviour.

However, he’s experienced a lot of change in the last few weeks and he’s acting out in new ways I’m not sure how to deal with. I had a new baby 9 weeks ago, and after Christmas he also left the full time nursery he’d been at since he was a baby, to go to the local primary school pre-school (the school I’m hoping he’ll get a place at for September).

In the last week or so, he’s started hitting me and attempting to bite me. He does it while laughing as though it’s all a big game, but won’t stop when I tell him it’s not ok. I know this is an attention seeking behaviour (it’s often worse when I’m holding the new baby) but I’d love any advice on how to handle it.

I’ve tried calmly telling him it’s not acceptable and I’ve tried time outs (although this is hard to implement when the baby won’t be put down without crying!). The most effective thing is just ignoring him completely when he does it, but as I know this is his backwards way of seeking my reassurance at a difficult time, I’m worried this is cruel. But I don’t want this behaviour to spread beyond me - so far there’s been no word of anything similar at preschool.

I’m finding things really tough as my husband works out of the house till 7 every night so I’m juggling dinner and bath time alone which is much harder when he’s acting up. Dinner times are particularly awful!

What could you tweak so that he gets some more really concerted connection time and attention from you (and your husband)? Proactively not as a response to a tantrum.

Do you have a sling and/or bouncy chair for the baby?

My daughter did this when i was pregnant, it was.bloody awful. There wasnt really one thing that fixed it, but we tried time outs, ignoring, and explaining to her with limited impact. The most effective was something along the lines of 'ok, im leaving the room now because youre hitting and i dont like to be hit. Im not going to play/read with you when you hit me'. Also making a real effort to increase the affection and attention she eas getting from us, one on one especially. Oh and trying to get her involved in the baby prep, eg helping us choose clothes, helping folding them etc. Good luck!

There's nothing wrong with being stern with him when he hits to stop. Hold the offending hand gently, look him in the eye and tell him firmly - sternly - "no, we don't hit, it hurts, don't do that".

Keep up with the positive reinforcement of good behaviour, giving him attention as much as you can, and of course never shout or "have a go", but being firm when he actually hits is important too.

Involve him in caring for daughter too. Passing you nappies, nappy cream, bottle, blanket etc

One really helpful thing I read here could be adapted too - it's about helping them to learn an appropriate way to ask for attention in the moment. A woman said if her daughter wanted her attention when she was conversing with a friend, she would grasp her mums hand/arm. Her mum would then cover her little hand with hers to let acknowledge her and let her know she'd speak to her in a moment.

I think you could use the same principle with your son. Perhaps start off with saying, "I know you want me right now, I'm listening but I'm holding/feeding your sister at the moment. We will cuddle afterwards would you like that? Right now why don't you [tell me about, show me, draw me a picture, can you help by passing this please, etc]

And of course always follow up with a cuddle when your arms are free! Poor lad, its really hard learning to share & take turns

There are lots of books for young children aimed at helping them adjust to a younger sibling and having to share attention. These can be really helpful - have a look on amazon.
I'd also model turn taking and helping with siblings in play with his toys too.

Thanks everyone, there's some really helpful stuff here. I need to try and find ways for him to have dedicated time with just me but it's virtually impossible during the week. My husband gets home just in time to do his bedtime stories, so he gets that dedicated time with him, then we switch and I do it on weekends, plus DH takes him to swimming on Saturdays, but it's difficult for me to take him anywhere alone as the baby won't really take a bottle.

I'm hoping things will get easier once we get into a napping routine, so we can have some proper time while she's sleeping, but things are just all over the place at the moment.

I have Fridays at home with both of them and I'm really dreading it, which makes me feel worse because I do want to spend time with him, it's just a bit relentless.

I'll try and get better at rewarding attention when he's not hitting etc. and I'll have a look for some books on sibling sharing.

New nursery and new sibling in such a short time…he is confused and without realising it, a bit scared. His whole world is turned upside down.
Hand baby to DH this weekend and spend a bit of time 1-1 with him, then have his dad do the same. Poor little mite is attention seeking as it’s the only way he knows to communicate.

I know and I do feel really bad about the nursery change. It felt like the right decision when we made it months ago - it's an absurd amount cheaper obviously, which is a massive help with me on maternity leave, but we also thought it would help with school transition in September. Especially as he's an August baby so will be starting school very young. But now I realise just what a lot it is for him to deal with.

He's actually getting far more time with me than he was when I was working long days 4 days a week, but it's not dedicated time which I think is somehow worse for him.

Yeah in the long run it will be a good choice but it’s just cone at a bad time.
What does he enjoy that you could do just the two of you at the weekend? Swimming? Trip to a farm or park?