Adult son lied about attending university

[Babs2469]

Hi . My son has ADHD with inattentive bias. He got excellent a levels went to a prestigious university in Scotland unfortunately due to Covid he failed his 2nd year. We agreed to him resitting his 2nd year. During his final year a long term relationship ended. He told us he got a 2:2 degree then when it came to his graduation day he confessed that he did not get his degree. That was July 2024. He then led us to believe he had a graduate diploma. We have allowed him to do what he wants and then he was starting to look for apprenticeship but had another melt down . We have been asking him to get his paper qualification so he can move forwards but he has refused . In the end my husband managed to log in to his university site to find out he did not attend his last two years of university….he has obviously been lying for two years. I am unsure how he has supported himself…we have paid his rent . But he has lied for two years . I am at a loss as to what to do and why he has lied . We have always supported him and just want him to be happy. We have suggested CBT but he will not go . Any advice suggestions would be helpful

Is he living back at home? If so, I’d lay down a rent agreement so he pays towards bills etc. just getting any job would be helpful for his cv.

He’s an adult. Whether you like it or not it’s absolutely none of your business. Logging into his university account without consent is a massive overstep

It absolutely is their business when they were paying for his accommodation. They clearly paid it so that he could/would attend. He broke that deal and didn't tell them.

Where is he living now?

money has nothing to do with it .i am not bothered one bit about that . When you have an adult crying to you saying they are useless and too scared to gives results is vvv sad. We had hoped we would get his qualification sent to him to help his low self esteem. I am asking for constructive advice as to how to help him . We will always support him …just enquiring to others who may have had similar experiences

Crikey that's a tough one. I can totally see how an adhder would do it. They start something then can't get themselves out of the lie. I'm guessing he didn't want to leave because of the gf. They can also be very self focused.

Is he on medication? I'd also look at adhd specific counselling.

Tell him the past is the past. Every messes up. He needs to be truthful, get a job then decide what career path he wants to follow.

Has he given you reasons for not completing the course? Is he still signed on? Can he complete it?

Of course it's their business - they were supporting him financially!

I've read a very similar thread to this before, if that wasn't you there might be some good advice in there if you can find it. I know that's easier said than done but you aren't alone in facing this problem

Have a look at ADHD burnout. He likely hit that and has been blaming himself and not telling you out of shame. He sounds like he is mentally unwell/depressed due to blaming himself for burnout.

What support does he have for his ADHD?

It is really common for kids to do ok until Uni and then burnout when there is no support for the ADHD. Did he ever get registered with Uni disability office? Apply for DSA? Did he have medication? Accommodations? Extra support for the Uni work?

He needs medication, therapy addressing burnout, and sympathy.

Being all well you screwed up Uni now you need to figure out life will be too much in his current state of mind. Focus on him getting back to health and the right support in place before trying again to launch him into independent adulthood.

Thanks I will have a look at ADHD burnout. He did take some meds then stopped them as he was worried about anxiety. I agree he just needs support but I would ideally like him to get some counselling.

Ah he shouldn’t have stopped his medication, he should have gone to doctor to ask about medication for anxiety and to the Uni disability office to ask for a therapist to talk to about his feelings of anxiety. But that’s hindsight. Now, it’s get him back with a psychiatrist to assess how he is now, get him back on medication and get the counselling that the psychiatrist recommends.

I remember your thread from before.

You are so supportive and doing all you can. Maybe getting a degree or diploma or any further education is just not on the cards for him right now or possibly ever.

What does he enjoy doing?
If he likes...
Fitness- life guard, personal trainer
Drawing - animation, cartoons for magazines, create book covers, create cards for birthdays etc
Reading/writing - online journalism
Music- music critic online via YouTube and tik tok

Maybe some of these could make him some money and maybe they won't at all but would give him a purpose and a kick start to getting out of this rut

Shame is the biggest motivation behind lying. People can't face themselves and end up lying to hide from reality. I imagine he felt a total failure so made up the lie and that obviously led to more and more. I don't think I'd tell him I knew because his response will be anger (the biggest defence against shame) and he may well cut you out of his life when he actually needs you the most. I would just keep trying to encourage him to access therapeutic support for his ADHD via the Right to Choose option. Once that's in place he can then work on his self esteem and lack of motivation may resolve itself.

ADHD can put you in such a vicious circle, and although he was clearly in the wrong I really feel for him. I went to University and in my first year I dropped out and told no one. The reason was because I knew the sacrifices others were making to allow me to go. I also knew there were high expectations, even if they hadn't explicitly been set.
When I eventually managed to go back, I unreasonably put myself it such stressful situations by not handing in work on time or leaving things to the last minute.
You maybe already know but with ADHD we need external pressure to do things like uni work such as deadlines but the problem is that it's so close to the deadline we're able to start that sometimes it's simply not achievable.
My best advice would be to tell him how much you love him, tell him you understand that he's clearly been in such a difficult place and he's not alone. I would look up ADHD burnout and actual rest and I would encourage him to focus on self care (proper self care not just lying on the sofa doom scrolling as we adhders tend to do because we might be physically resting but we're actually mentally listing all the things you should be doing).
Then I would (if you can afford it) give him time to recover, maybe mentally set a goal of 2 weeks or a month where you don't actually put any pressure for future plans you just focus on him getting to a better mental state.
Before I got my diagnosis I got to the point I was severely unwell and just doing a month of actual rest and speaking about how I was feeling honestly worked better than my antidepressants because burnout looks like depression but it's not.

Then after this I would encourage him to look at volunteering or princes trust. There are loads of apprenticeships out there also. What I would also advise is to not position it as needing a life long career, us ADHDers are not meant to do one job forever - we work well moving roles even within companies. Creative rolls are great too, can he be outside? Would he consider physical work?

Also get him to look up the podcast by Alex Partridge - he started Lad Bible and has a fantastic podcast about having ADHD. The Adult ADHD toolkit book is great as well.

Lastly, it's ok to grieve the life you thought he'd have and be upset with where he is. ADHD is a disability, as much as some people like to call out only the positives there's a reason only 15% of ND people are able to work full time. Helping him to understand his ADHD better wi absolutely help him get to where he wants to be

Sorry for the brain dump but I hope this helps and I hope it gives you hope that this can get better ❤️

Great post @Nn9011

My Ds has ADHD .. post school has been challenging ,

He did two different colleges - followed by an apprenticeship followed by months sat at home doing nothing ..

Honestly I do believe he has needed time to recover from everything . I have gently gave prods - paid for things I thought were good for his Mh . He is younger but the demand thing never works .

This was my friend. In the end she did get her degree but it took 7 years (3 year course) and involved many years of lying to her parents. She ended up getting a market stall, turned out to be great at business and selling and now has her own shop and a v successful small business. Uni is not for everyone.

The lying is obviously hard to deal with but I can imagine how he got caught up in it/ not wanting to disappoint you and then feeling he was in too far. I’d try to accept what has happened and make a plan for what’s next. Doesn’t have to be studying or an apprenticeship- there are lots of options.

Our son who has adult diagnosed ADHD went as a mature student at 20 after 4 years working in IT ( via apprenticeship route)

Covid lockdown kicked in on his second year and he totally hated it - none of the social stuff and all the online stuff only , so he packed it in but didn't tell us as we were proud of his achievement and a good Uni too - he still had a pretty good part time job in IT though ( this is London) - so said nothing for 3 months and managed to pay his rent - at that point though it got difficult so he admitted it and started looking for a full time job again which he had within about 3 weeks.

He's not at uni, so doesn't need support from uni

I couldn’t just read and run on this as your post resonates so much with me as an adult with adhd that’s done similar. I have been to uni 3 times, the first time was about 20yrs ago. I fluked my degree - e.g. I made up I was ill for my finals and resat them in a different format 6 months later. The second time was as an adult and I managed through Covid to get an MSc - this was based largely on me completely burning out - working nearly full time, raising my daughter, volunteering and studying. Unsure how I managed except my adhd was in overdrive. Still in overdrive I started my most recent uni course in 2023 and pulled out in December 2024. I couldn’t do it anymore. I have told no one but my husband. I feel completely ashamed of the whole thing. The thousands that’s been spent, the expectation I’ll finally do something ‘proper’ so I can get a ‘proper job’, the lot. I will need to tell people soon as they will realise that I’m not at uni on my ‘uni days’ and the thought fills me with such anxiety I can’t explain it. I’m on meds now and I think they are helping. Just be understanding. Maybe tell him the money and the paper don’t matter. I only get through my chaotic life because my partner is so supportive (the NHS certainly aren’t). You’ll get through this, and he will too.

Hence my use of the past tense.

Why did he do it? Because he didn’t want to disappoint you. Because he is aware of his limitations and the problems that result . Because he hoped ‘something’ would come up and solve the problem so he wouldn’t have to tell you. Because he feels really low, and is ashamed that he can’t do what other young adults seem to manage.

You can’t fix him. and you can’t fix things for him by stepping in and trying to sort it all out. You can maybe help him to accept and navigate life with his condition.

We had hoped we would get his qualification sent to him to help his low self esteem.

what might help his self esteem is to know that you love, respect and value him whether he has qualifications or not. That you care about him, not what he does or doesn’t do, what he achieves or doesn’t achieve.

Thank you vv much for your advice ….especially from you all who have ADHD. You have reinforced what we think ….give him time, uni not for him and certainly he feels ashamed …..but as I have said to him many a time …people love him for what he is ….he is a kind, thoughtful person …. When diagnosed ( only 3 years ago) he did have counselling re his ADHD and I agree he needs some help but again as has been said that all takes time for him to process and accept it . I hope in time he will find the path with which he is happy in the meantime ….we will continue to be there and support him. Thank you

That does not excuse hacking into his account, and does not give them the right to his grades.
I think you and your DH need to have a long hard look at yourselves and ask yourselves why your kids are afraid to talk to you.

Hi
We had a similar experience with our son.No ADHD diagnosed.But looking back there were behavioural problems.
He was very bright at school, exceptionally good grades at 5th year.
Sort of pressurised to go onto uni ( by the school,not us) due to his good grades although he d never shown an interest.
He hated it from the offset, difficult year,failed.
Repeated 1st year , told us he was going onto second year.Everything seemed fine,we supported him financially.
Some official red letters had been sent ; overdue library books he said. He was travelling overseas at the end of his 2nd year( really end of year 3 at uni though). Further red letter : I could make out Final through the envelope, so I opened it in his prolonged absence.
Letter from the Uni requesting he phone immediately.
I phoned on his behalf to find out he hadn't attended his repeated 1st year or his second year at all.( difficulty them communicating this to me,I had to contact him and he phoned giving permission for me to speak to support services.)
That s when we found out .
He hadn t attended any support meetings he was invited to and never formally left.Despite his non attendance ,he still owed 2 years university fees as he d never formally given notice of leaving.
He had ignored e mails and letters for 2 years advising him of the process.
We footed the bill.
Very chaotic and unhappy few years ensued. During this time he was unable to hold down a job or meantain any long term relationship.He was diagnosed as ADHD at age 27 and found a good support network.
Finally at the age of 29, he met a lovely girl who supported him in finding a career that suits him and he s happy in.
He s now 37, very happy, married and has a well paid job with good career prospects.
He s worked for the company for 7 years now and has had 2 promotions.
Although your son is highly intelligent, perhaps academia isn t the right path for him.
It's difficult, but try to find out what he would like to do for his future.