Year 1 friendships -son left out

[3boysandadog23]

My 6 year old son (year 1) has always been part of a friendship group of 4 boys since starting reception. One of them is our next door neighbour and the four of us mums get on really well. I’ve always felt so relieved he’s got a nice group of friends, and mum friends too.

But since Christmas my son has been left out and they haven’t wanted to play with him at break time. We’ve had a few play dates with them since then and they’ve got on fine. He’s never been the most dominant of the group (two of them are particularly good friends) but got on well with them all. Though they all do football club at the weekends and he isn’t interested and loved rugby instead.

Is this just normal year 1 friendship changes? Have you experienced this kind of thing with your children?

I am very talented at overthinking these kind of things and presuming he’ll be friendless forever. He says he plays with other boys now at break time but doesn’t like them as much as the other group.

Thank you

I think it is very normal at this age, will probably change again soon. It’s good for him to branch out and play with others. He has others to play with, so possibly nothing to worry about if no one being mean and no one upset!

Thank you so much for your response, really appreciate it

If you involve yourself emotionally in your child’s friendships at this level you will be a husk of a person by the time they’re 16. There is very little you can do as a parent about this. Encourage him to make new friends. Counsel him not to allow himself to be treated badly by others but to walk away. Dh always taught ours if anyone is unkind dump them immediately. I used to think he was too black and white but actually he’s absolutely rIght.

Thank you. I think that’s what I really needed to hear! I need to get a grip basically and know it’s all normal growing up. But for some reason I feel so hurt when my children are hurt. Hopefully I will toughen up

In my experience (two children year 4 and 2) children tend to stay with their friends from pre school or ones whose parents are friends and see each other a lot out of school for the first couple of years. End of year one/two they branch out and make friends with children who are perhaps more suited to them in terms of interests and personalities. I would maybe get to know other children outside of this group by inviting them around and just be really laid back about it. You can still remain friends with the parents.

Oh and don’t mention it to the mums however friendly you may think you are.

I am still great friends with 20 odd women I met through our kids playgroup / primary. Hardly any of our now teens are still friends with each other. Some have actively fallen out. But we are still friends 16 years on and the kids about to leave home.

It’s one of the pains of parenting! Dd2 had a dreadful time at 13 her friendship group randomly turned against her so she was all alone. We would see her walking up the front path holding it in and her face breaking into tears as she reached our house.

Happy ending she rebuilt got far better friends and is now the coolest girl in town! The old friends are very jealous. Dd is very kind about it but I do laugh to myself at the karma!

I work in year 1 and 2. Very normal. They get more of a sense of themselves by 7 and things shift. They may well always be friends but he may find others he is more in tune with. Encourage him to be friends with others too and invite them for play dates . Don’t put all eggs in one basket so to speak.

I have a daughter in Y4 and we have had a number of friendship issues already in the last couple of years. Can’t believe it when she’s only 8! I’m like you, I have involved myself emotionally and been so upset when other children have been hurtful to her. The best thing we have done is empowering her to be strong, believe in herself, accept that others, friends or otherwise are not always going to behave the way you expect and not to be scared of distancing herself from others who are unkind.
I do also feel friendships can change considerably over those first couple of years at primary when they are starting to understand themselves more, their interests etc.
Hope that helps

Strongly agree with @TheaBrandt. Also, OP, I think your child was was comparatively unusual in having a friendship group at all in Reception. My experience was that they weren’t that invested in specific friendships at that stage, it came a bit later. I think your kind being in a foursome in Reception has just meant that you’re perceiving a natural stage of flux as a problem in a way that you wouldn’t if he’d just played with everyone until now.

@TheaBrandt Thanks, that’s really useful. I was semi tempted to mention it to the parents but equally thought it would probably be awkward and I don’t want anyone to feel they have to make their children play with mine

Also it’s pointless. The mums can’t make their child include yours in the playground and you will have damaged a friendship for little result.

My 6 year old son (year 1) has always been part of a friendship group of 4 boys since starting reception. One of them is our next door neighbour and the four of us mums get on really well. I’ve always felt so relieved he’s got a nice group of friends, and mum friends too.

It sounds like you are really happy with that status quote and don't want that to change? As you have seen, it's unrealistic to expect a group of children to stay in a close friendship group long-term, regardless of what their mums do.

It might be that they do stay quite friendly as a group. It might be that three of them do and yours doesn't-that may or may not have an impact on the 'mum' friendships. You might stay friendly with the mums despite this. Just go with the flow and see what happens.