Am I overthinking or not, I could do with some advice

[Yorkshirelass2025]

Hi I could do with some advice, my child started primary school in September and very recently attended a party at school. Most of the parents are quite clicky their children went to the nursery before primary school so have all known each other a long time. My child was one of the few their that didn't attend nursery school with them. The child who's birthday it was went straight to my child and wanted to play with them the whole time and it became obvious the parent wanted them to play with the other kids and was getting visibly frustrated saying 'it's embarrassing your friends are over there' quite literally huffing and puffing. We attempted to help and separate our child but our child also refused and wanted to stay playing, they haven't played together outside school before so I think they enjoyed the change of setting. I didn't think too much of it I know birthdays and organising them can be stressful.

Yesterday when I went to collect my child as usual from after school club, I got a message that his teacher wanted to see me. I wasn't sure what it was about.. went in and they said they wanted to follow up on something they mentioned at his last parents evening in October, one point mentioned was about his lack of concentration and have a meeting with myself and my sons dad. I said yes okay, but can I ask what's happened to trigger the conversation. The teacher then said 'it's just in general how they are' I said 'okay, if you can have some specifics when we meet' (the teacher didn't have any when she mentioned it in October either) I turned to start to leave, then they went on to say 'I want to hear from you about how they are out of school, at clubs and at parties they attend' I said 'parties ? Do you mean the party they attended very recently ?'. The teacher said 'no, no, I don't know anything about any parties that take place' my child got the invite from school in their bag we don't know the parents other then a passing hello and most of the parents there were from school. So it was hard to believe the teacher didn't know anything about the party taking place. I said 'It's just a bit of a coincidence you bringing up parties and he went to with a child from here very recently'.. the teacher then changed tact and said 'I just want to understand how my child is outside of school, I don't want you to worry if you can tell me do they attend any clubs' I said yes and mentioned the ones they attended, but then I suggested a day to meet and said I would prefer to discuss this as you suggested with his dad also involved, as their was just myself and the teacher present.

My initial thought was that this was some sort of gossip she's heard I just dont feel the teacher should be calling us in based on gossip IF that's what's happening but wanted to get some objective advice from anyone, if you feel this is a coincidence or if you think it's just overthinking on my part. Also any advice about how to approach the meeting with the teacher ?

the parent wanted them to play with the other kids and was getting visibly frustrated saying 'it's embarrassing your friends are over there' quite literally huffing and puffing.

the only one being embarrassing is that parent. She does not get to choose who her child is friends with and dictate where your friends are.

I don’t believe the teacher’s comments are based on gossip. She wants to have an overview of how your child behaves in a variety of non-school environments. For all she knows, he may have been to parties with old nursery friends, club friends etc. She is not really allowed to comment on incidents at class parties taking place outside school time so it will be quite general.

You sound completely paranoid.

It sounds like the teacher wants to check in with you about your child’s social skills and concentration out of school. I would think the party was just a coincidence.

To think the teacher is involved is absolutely bonkers.

makes me question your version of the other parents actions tbh.

I think you’re overthinking this a bit. Your child didn’t do anything wrong at the party and the concentration issues in school aren’t related. I suspect the teacher was trying to gauge how behaviour is in other settings and at home. The fact that there had just been a party seems just coincidental (there’s always parties going on).

The actual party situation is a bit weird and it’s rude on the surface, but I can see a situation where a child is playing with only one child at a party and others are feeling hurt and left out and a parent tried to redirect them to play with everyone. It’s hard to know if that’s what happened and you misread the situation. Or if the mum was genuinely being a cow.

I would try not to overthink the mums sticking to mums they already know at parties. If you had a group of friends you knew well, you’d stick with them too. Most parents just want to get through the experience and go home, not make new friends. I only talk to the mums I know at parties. It’s because I’m tired and my social battery is low and I feel awkward introducing myself to someone new.

OMG seriously. OP this isn’t overthinking. This is paranoia.

It was mentioned in October BEFORE the party.

No way a teacher went riffling through bags, found out about the party, spoke to other parents about it and then called you in.

Seriously your overthinking is worrying.

Eh I'm not saying she went riffling through bags ? You hand any invites to her. I think your getting a bit carried away yourself.

I do struggle with anxiety in social situations and probably am overthinking but it's also nice to be kind.. I went over to the mother myself to say hello when we arrived and spoke to her and also did the same throughout the party and when we were leaving.

In most of your parenting worlds, there's no parent cliques, no issues with teachers and you leave every conversation with a teacher fully understanding what they are trying to say about your child without giving you any specifics at all. It sounds brilliant.

You are being paranoid.

The party parent was out of order, but will eventually learn that you can’t engineer your child’s friendships forever.

What the teacher said to you is totally unrelated to this party.

I only related the two due too the mothers response at the party and her relationship with the school. The party was on Saturday and this conversation happened after school on Monday with the teacher asking specifically ' how he is at parties'. I accept I might be overthinking it and I regret baring my sole on here. I thought I wasn't the only person on the planet that suffered from anxiety and overthinking when it comes to their child.

Do you seriously think the mother marched into school on Monday to say that she didn’t want her child to play with your child? And the teacher said “Sure thing! I’ll make the mother come in to discuss his behaviour at after school clubs and social occasions!”

It sounds like the school are concerned that your child has issues with behaviour and concentration that aren’t quite normal for his age, and in order to investigate further, they’d like you to help them understand what he’s like outside of school. It has nothing to do with this weekend’s party and the cliquey mum.

Maybe the party parent was rude but it also sounds like you may have misread the situation and they were encouraging their child to play with all of their guests, not just with one child. You have no way of knowing really so don’t dwell on it. If your child had fun at the party then honestly who cares. As for the mums sticking with who they know, that’s normal. If you had friends there then you’d make a beeline for them too because kid’s parties are boring for parents and it’s preferable to pass the time chatting with people you know than making small talk with people you don’t. It’s not personal, don’t overthink it. Come Y1 the parties will start to be drop off so look forward to that!

The situation with the teacher is completely unrelated by the sounds of it. I’ve been asked similar by DS’s nursery teacher when he wouldn’t sit for circle time. My friend’s DS was having some friendship issues in Y2 and the teacher asked about clubs/parties too and how he mixes with others at those. It’s pretty standard stuff because school is only one environment and a good teacher will want to know the whole picture in order to know how to best help a child.

I dont know that's why I raised it because of what happened and the mothers response. We weren't the only parents outside the clique group but it was our child he wanted to play with. I don't really understand some of the assertive tones to your comments 'do you seriously' .. why this is getting you so worked up. Don't worry about it.

For most parents, it's a hard job being a parent and you do get anxious particularly when school raises concerns. But obviously you don't suffer from that.

And yes I know its hard for you to believe these things happen in your world, but I'm sure stranger things have happened at school between parents and I'm sure teachers do hear second hand gossip and act on it to some degree, have done in the past and will do again.

Thanks for all your advice, I'm glad I posted about it.

For most parents, it's a hard job being a parent and you do get anxious particularly when school raises concerns. But obviously you don't suffer from that.

I have two neurodivergent kids, so I’ve been there, done that, got the t shirt. It’s very difficult to hear that your child is struggling and the school don’t think it’s “normal”. I get that.

Thanks @InTheRainOnATrain, @Notgivenuphope @mindutopia @EYP2021 for the advice, I probably have let my own anxiety get the better of me. Thanks

OK, but does it help to hear that you've invented an entire scenario here? Two things actually happened -- a fairly ordinary small children playing scenario at a birthday party and a fairly ordinary 'teacher asks about child in non-school settings as part of an ongoing conversation about concentration' scenario. Not related in any way other than in your paranoid imagination. From the way you represent your manner with the teacher when she brought it up, I think you need to work on calming down, working on your anxiety, and not seeing everything as some kind of attack.

In all honesty I think at this point this is just trolling unless you have some sort of PHD in the subject to work out from a social media scroll that I have made all this up and completly misread every interaction. As much as I have admitted to have anxiety problems, thats no a reason to just troll on here about someone's mental health. I asked the teacher what she specifically wanted to discuss which is a complelty legitimate question and she couldn't give me any specific examples of what she was concerned about in terms of his behaviour in school. this was also the same response in October. I would have expected her to say at the very least 'I asked him to do X several times and he didn't' but I didn't get that from her, she just said 'it's in general'. That maybe something you understand but I don't, if giving feedback I would expect some sort of specifics, but I was happy to attend the meeting. She said she wanted us to discuss how he was outside school and brought up about parties. I probably did still have it on my mind about the party when this was discussed with me because the mother had said she was embarrassed because her son wouldn't go over. Which is the last thing you want someone to feel at their kids party. But I don't know why this is causing you such agitation. Mumsnet is supposed to be a safe space to share concerns not be patronised.

Op I assume the teacher is being a bit vague because (perhaps rightly) she fears offending you, either with those specifics or mentioning too many things.

It is a positive if, having noticed a potential issue, the teacher wants to open communication with you and your DC's dad about how to help him if necessary.

Mn is a discussion forum. It's not any kind of therapeutic 'safe space' any more than the rest of the internet.

It's perfectly obvious why the teacher hasn't given you specifics either time -- because you leapt down her throat when she said the specific word 'party', and constructed a deeply paranoid scenario in which the teacher was making a covert reference to the party your child had attended and explicitly told her you didn't believe her when she told you she wasn't:

I said 'parties ? Do you mean the party they attended very recently ?'. The teacher said 'no, no, I don't know anything about any parties that take place' my child got the invite from school in their bag we don't know the parents other then a passing hello and most of the parents there were from school. So it was hard to believe the teacher didn't know anything about the party taking place. I said 'It's just a bit of a coincidence you bringing up parties and he went to with a child from here very recently'.

If this is a sample of how you were going to deal with 'specifics', I'm not surprised she declined to provide any.

The teacher probably didn’t want to get into specifics with you because of how you overreacted to the totally normal ‘how is he at parties’ question.

I would ask for a new meeting with the teacher. Take DS’s dad if you can. Acknowledge that the teacher just wants to understand what works for DS outside of school to see what she could try in school. Answer questions normally so you could say at the most recent party DS played nicely with the birthday child 1:1 but didn’t mix much with the wider group. If you want specific examples ask for them politely, maybe ask if she could run through the school day yesterday and what DS did well and what he struggled with. When I was having that conversation with my DS’s nursery teacher we concluded that he was much better with the sitting/listening once he’d had some exercise, partly because I’d given feedback like he was great at a sports party recently but a nightmare at an art one. So they had him doing laps of the playground before circle time, and then he’d sit and listen! It was such a success!

As for the birthday party, forget about it, maybe the mum was rude, maybe she didn’t mean it the way you took it. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. Getting the best support for your DS in school is what matters so don’t let that influence relations with the teacher. And do take care of yourself and seek support for your anxiety- this sounds like a really stressful way to live.

Does he lack concentration though OP? I fear you could be combining two things together and the teacher is actually raising a point of concern and wants to know if you see it in other situations such as clubs and parties - things involving other children

I would have expected her to say at the very least 'I asked him to do X several times and he didn't' but I didn't get that from her, she just said 'it's in general'. That maybe something you understand but I don't, if giving feedback I would expect some sort of specifics

I don’t really understand what you don’t understand OP. You seem suspicious of the fact that the teacher wasn’t able to give specific examples of occasions when she felt your son’s behaviour was a problem. She said “it’s in general”. That suggests that it’s a problem most of the time, and she can’t give you specific examples because it’s most of the time. Do you see what I mean?

As a previous poster said, it’s very hard to initiate these conversations because half the time, parents are angry, defensive and disbelieving. Perhaps if you attend the meeting with an open mind, that’s when they will be able to explain the issues in more detail. Either way, I promise you that they aren’t making things up just to upset you

I honestly wish I hadn't asked about it on here! Most of you are so judgemental, I just hope you don't work with people in day to day life you must get so angry you wouldn't last 5 minutes without without being internally irritated. I was talking about something that happened to me and feeling concerned.. this didn't even happen to you..

And actually @AlQuom one of the founding principles of mumsnet is for parents to share their inner concerns and have a shoulder to cry on from other parents a sympathetic ear. Maybe look it up. No wonder so many people battle wirh anxiety now a days you just have share possibly something you may have overthought to then get shouted down on here.. Good to talk eh!

I feel sorry for anyone who shares their real views on here because obviously it's now just a place for bored people to troll now adays. I will leave you to have your chat/shout to yourself about it all

I really don't mean this to be unkind OP, but are you neurodivergent yourself? Honestly, I really struggled to make sense of your post and I think you're either not understanding normal social cues, or you're overthinking and placing your energy on things that don't matter because you're upset about the concerns about your child struggling at school. Or a bit of both.

The strange events of the party and the teacher calling you in for a meeting are not connected and I imagine the teacher was completely baffled and spooked by your strange reaction to her question.

You told the teacher that you didn't want to have the discussion then, but wanted to make another appt that your dh could attend too. So, at that point, you have confused the situation by saying you want details and specific examples of her concerns. Either you want to discuss it, or you don't.

The point of having a discussion with parent(s) at this stage, is clearly to chat about if you have any concerns when your dc mixes with dc out of school, as clearly their interactions in school have raised some concerns.

The idea that the teacher memorises which child might, or might not have had a party that weekend, and who was invited, even if she knew in the first place (more than likely a TA or a volunteer put the envelopes in bags, not the teacher) is just ridiculous.

The fact some dc previously went to the same nursery is irrelevant by this stage.
The fact he happened to be at a party with some classmates that weekend is irrelevant.

What is best for your child, is to go and listen to what the teacher has to say.
She's clearly tried to tell you at least twice that she has some concerns, and your response is to think she has been listening to gossip ?!?

You're overthinking this, try not to worry! Yes the teacher would have known about the party, but presumably handed out the invitations a couple of weeks before and isn't keeping track of when everyone's party is. It's a coincidence, and not out of the blue seeing as the teacher mentioned lack of concentration before.
Also it doesn't sound like the birthday parent was annoyed at your child. She just wanted her child to play with other guests too. Honestly it doesn't seem anything to worry about. I'm sure the teacher just wants to help your child.